Anonymous
11/12/2025 13:29
Subject: Re:Litigation or mediation
I'd guess that 90+% of people don't need a lawyer to do a divorce, and that includes those with minor children and property/assets, so long as you live in a state that publishes guidelines. So long as you spend some time thinking through all the things you want and need in light of those guidelines, and think through how it will play out each year until your children are finished with college, anybody with common sense can do it on their own. In DC, there are mediators paid for with our tax dollars who walk you through all the big issues to consider, and this is totally free even if you're upper income.
It's the crazy places like Virginia (equitable distribution states) where way too much is left to the discretion of judges that can be tricky.
It's the crazy places like Virginia (equitable distribution states) where way too much is left to the discretion of judges that can be tricky.
Anonymous
11/12/2025 00:02
Subject: Litigation or mediation
Anonymous wrote:If your spouse is refusing to separate (ignores emails I've sent and conversations about it), do you have to get a lawyer (not mediator) to proceed?
Send an email documenting that you are separated. Then you’re on the clock.
Anonymous
11/11/2025 22:11
Subject: Re:Litigation or mediation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm a lawyer and a litigator. I don't do divorce cases... but I am divorced myself.
My suggestion is to ask the lawyers who are recommending litigation what the probable outcome is re alimony, child support, custodial schedule, etc. Ask a few of them. (Your state may be one of the many in which there are child support guidelines.)
After you have an idea of where you're likely to end up if you litigate, mediate. It's much easier to mediate if you know the baseline you're dealing with. For example, the amount of child support my ex offered was WAY below child support guidelines. So, no, I wasn't going to accept his offer. (IMO, there's very rarely a reason to accept a number below your state's child support guidelines.)
Some lawyers who represent people in mediation won't tell them what they are likely to get if they litigate. IMO, not knowing handicaps you.
We litigated--because my ex was totally unreasonable. But ultimately, we settled. And knowing what I'd get if we didn't settle made it much easier to negotiate. For example, I wasn't afraid that if I didn't accept my ex's offer I might end up with less child support because I KNEW the child support guidelines. And once my ex figured out I knew them, he stopped trying to get me to accept a lowball offer.
So, I TOTALLY agree it's better to mediate if you can. But make it seem as if you're willing to litigate if he doesn't accept a mediation agreement more favorable to you than he likes. If his adultery is something that will embarrass him, you're better off using it to negotiate a better deal than filing a complaint that gives grounds for divorce as adultery and names his AP. Once you've done that, you've given up leverage. In the mediation, use his desire to avoid that as a lever to get a better result. He should always think that if he doesn't accept a result more favorable to you than he thinks it should be, you WILL litigate.
I hope that's clear. 1. Find out the likely results of litigation. 2. Mediate, but without waiving the right to litigate if mediation isn't successful. 3. Use his adultery as a bargaining chip, but realize it's worth more in mediation than litigation.
Good luck!
Thank you very much-makes lot of sense. Any idea on how long the process takes?
DP
Even if you mediate, you can and probably should have a lawyer who advises you if there’s custody, alimony, or anything beyond a straight 50-50 split on the table. The mediator gives you an agreement but you need your own counsel to check it.
I had an emotionally abusive mentally ill ex who is still filing litigation after the divorce. But we did mediation. I waited an additional half year probably for him to calm down just to avoid litigation.
Know what your ex wants and what you want to get out of this. If he wants to move on quickly and painlessly, use that to your advantage — he’ll probably pay for it.
You could travel, buy a luxury car or small vacation property etc with the amount you’ll save avoiding litigation. Just get it over with and move on.
Anonymous
11/11/2025 20:02
Subject: Litigation or mediation
If your spouse is refusing to separate (ignores emails I've sent and conversations about it), do you have to get a lawyer (not mediator) to proceed?
Anonymous
11/11/2025 19:53
Subject: Litigation or mediation
Even if you go to mediation, you still each need your own lawyer to review things right?
Anonymous
11/10/2025 16:18
Subject: Litigation or mediation
Anonymous wrote:I have consulted a couple lawyers after becoming aware of my husbands infidelity which had had denied earlier. I haven’t confronted him again even though this time I know for sure while previously I had suspicion. One of the lawyers wants me to go the mediation route but for that I will need to talk to him first and the other one wants to litigate since it will likely put me in a storage position. Our finances are not very complicated overall. If you she been on know someone in similar situation what has your experience been? FWIW, he has a big reputation to lose
Even if you caught him with a crack pipe having a train ran on him by 100 guys you are better off going to mediation.
Why? Because people are too emotional and forget the big picture. MONEY, yes MONEY. Divorce leaves everyone worse off financially so shy waste money on a lawyer? That $20k, $50k, $100k or more you will save is worth it.
Anonymous
11/10/2025 16:14
Subject: Litigation or mediation
Anonymous wrote:“Do you have proof? The burden of proof for adultery is really high.”
What is proof going to do for you? Courts don’t care. Just split the estate and custody 50/50 and move on.
My best friend had “proof” in the form of her husband’s pregnant AP and her lawyer still advised her to just focus on getting 50-50 and being free of him.
Anonymous
11/10/2025 16:10
Subject: Litigation or mediation
If your demands are reasonable, mediation will get you to where you want to be much faster and cheaper.
If you insist on making him “pay” for infidelity, buckle up, and a few years and hundreds of thousands later, you’ll get to where you could have been with mediation.
If you insist on making him “pay” for infidelity, buckle up, and a few years and hundreds of thousands later, you’ll get to where you could have been with mediation.
Anonymous
11/10/2025 16:08
Subject: Litigation or mediation
Litigation is extremely expensive. So if your goal is to walk away with more money, you do this ad amicably as possible. If your wish is to make him spend a lot of money, you can be aggressive but you will have to spend a lot of your own money.
Ultimately a decent lawyer will advise you not to play out revenge scenarios through court. Because it's nit really in your best interests.
Ultimately a decent lawyer will advise you not to play out revenge scenarios through court. Because it's nit really in your best interests.
Anonymous
11/10/2025 16:05
Subject: Re:Litigation or mediation
Anonymous wrote:I'm a lawyer and a litigator. I don't do divorce cases... but I am divorced myself.
My suggestion is to ask the lawyers who are recommending litigation what the probable outcome is re alimony, child support, custodial schedule, etc. Ask a few of them. (Your state may be one of the many in which there are child support guidelines.)
After you have an idea of where you're likely to end up if you litigate, mediate. It's much easier to mediate if you know the baseline you're dealing with. For example, the amount of child support my ex offered was WAY below child support guidelines. So, no, I wasn't going to accept his offer. (IMO, there's very rarely a reason to accept a number below your state's child support guidelines.)
Some lawyers who represent people in mediation won't tell them what they are likely to get if they litigate. IMO, not knowing handicaps you.
We litigated--because my ex was totally unreasonable. But ultimately, we settled. And knowing what I'd get if we didn't settle made it much easier to negotiate. For example, I wasn't afraid that if I didn't accept my ex's offer I might end up with less child support because I KNEW the child support guidelines. And once my ex figured out I knew them, he stopped trying to get me to accept a lowball offer.
So, I TOTALLY agree it's better to mediate if you can. But make it seem as if you're willing to litigate if he doesn't accept a mediation agreement more favorable to you than he likes. If his adultery is something that will embarrass him, you're better off using it to negotiate a better deal than filing a complaint that gives grounds for divorce as adultery and names his AP. Once you've done that, you've given up leverage. In the mediation, use his desire to avoid that as a lever to get a better result. He should always think that if he doesn't accept a result more favorable to you than he thinks it should be, you WILL litigate.
I hope that's clear. 1. Find out the likely results of litigation. 2. Mediate, but without waiving the right to litigate if mediation isn't successful. 3. Use his adultery as a bargaining chip, but realize it's worth more in mediation than litigation.
Good luck!
Thank you very much-makes lot of sense. Any idea on how long the process takes?
Anonymous
11/09/2025 19:43
Subject: Litigation or mediation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Of course you should mediate unless you want to give hundreds of thousands of dollars to lawyers.
In the venture he continues denying the affair, how does the mediation work?
Mediation is not about establishing facts about who did what to whom. It is about setting the terms of your divorce. Frankly, this will be true of most litigation as well—you will just pay zillions for it.
Anonymous
11/09/2025 19:27
Subject: Re:Litigation or mediation
I'm a lawyer and a litigator. I don't do divorce cases... but I am divorced myself.
My suggestion is to ask the lawyers who are recommending litigation what the probable outcome is re alimony, child support, custodial schedule, etc. Ask a few of them. (Your state may be one of the many in which there are child support guidelines.)
After you have an idea of where you're likely to end up if you litigate, mediate. It's much easier to mediate if you know the baseline you're dealing with. For example, the amount of child support my ex offered was WAY below child support guidelines. So, no, I wasn't going to accept his offer. (IMO, there's very rarely a reason to accept a number below your state's child support guidelines.)
Some lawyers who represent people in mediation won't tell them what they are likely to get if they litigate. IMO, not knowing handicaps you.
We litigated--because my ex was totally unreasonable. But ultimately, we settled. And knowing what I'd get if we didn't settle made it much easier to negotiate. For example, I wasn't afraid that if I didn't accept my ex's offer I might end up with less child support because I KNEW the child support guidelines. And once my ex figured out I knew them, he stopped trying to get me to accept a lowball offer.
So, I TOTALLY agree it's better to mediate if you can. But make it seem as if you're willing to litigate if he doesn't accept a mediation agreement more favorable to you than he likes. If his adultery is something that will embarrass him, you're better off using it to negotiate a better deal than filing a complaint that gives grounds for divorce as adultery and names his AP. Once you've done that, you've given up leverage. In the mediation, use his desire to avoid that as a lever to get a better result. He should always think that if he doesn't accept a result more favorable to you than he thinks it should be, you WILL litigate.
I hope that's clear. 1. Find out the likely results of litigation. 2. Mediate, but without waiving the right to litigate if mediation isn't successful. 3. Use his adultery as a bargaining chip, but realize it's worth more in mediation than litigation.
Good luck!
My suggestion is to ask the lawyers who are recommending litigation what the probable outcome is re alimony, child support, custodial schedule, etc. Ask a few of them. (Your state may be one of the many in which there are child support guidelines.)
After you have an idea of where you're likely to end up if you litigate, mediate. It's much easier to mediate if you know the baseline you're dealing with. For example, the amount of child support my ex offered was WAY below child support guidelines. So, no, I wasn't going to accept his offer. (IMO, there's very rarely a reason to accept a number below your state's child support guidelines.)
Some lawyers who represent people in mediation won't tell them what they are likely to get if they litigate. IMO, not knowing handicaps you.
We litigated--because my ex was totally unreasonable. But ultimately, we settled. And knowing what I'd get if we didn't settle made it much easier to negotiate. For example, I wasn't afraid that if I didn't accept my ex's offer I might end up with less child support because I KNEW the child support guidelines. And once my ex figured out I knew them, he stopped trying to get me to accept a lowball offer.
So, I TOTALLY agree it's better to mediate if you can. But make it seem as if you're willing to litigate if he doesn't accept a mediation agreement more favorable to you than he likes. If his adultery is something that will embarrass him, you're better off using it to negotiate a better deal than filing a complaint that gives grounds for divorce as adultery and names his AP. Once you've done that, you've given up leverage. In the mediation, use his desire to avoid that as a lever to get a better result. He should always think that if he doesn't accept a result more favorable to you than he thinks it should be, you WILL litigate.
I hope that's clear. 1. Find out the likely results of litigation. 2. Mediate, but without waiving the right to litigate if mediation isn't successful. 3. Use his adultery as a bargaining chip, but realize it's worth more in mediation than litigation.
Good luck!
Anonymous
11/09/2025 18:58
Subject: Litigation or mediation
Anonymous wrote:“Do you have proof? The burden of proof for adultery is really high.”
What is proof going to do for you? Courts don’t care. Just split the estate and custody 50/50 and move on.
100% this
Anonymous
11/09/2025 18:17
Subject: Litigation or mediation
If its a recent marriage, probably you can get it annulled depending on your state.
Anonymous
11/09/2025 18:12
Subject: Litigation or mediation
Anonymous wrote:I have consulted a couple lawyers after becoming aware of my husbands infidelity which had had denied earlier. I haven’t confronted him again even though this time I know for sure while previously I had suspicion. One of the lawyers wants me to go the mediation route but for that I will need to talk to him first and the other one wants to litigate since it will likely put me in a storage position. Our finances are not very complicated overall. If you she been on know someone in similar situation what has your experience been? FWIW, he has a big reputation to lose
If he has big reputation to lose due to infidelity then likely he would agree to a fair mediation. First try that and if he isn't willing to have a peaceful settlement then you can go through litigation route.
You know him better than lawyers do so do you think he would agree to a fair mediation or not? Why waste money on lawyers instead of dividing it between you two?