Call less. Just make it clear it breaks your heart she won't take care of her heart and you wish she'd get out more, but it's her choice. Then have your own limit.

My mother is in everyone's business, bad-mouths family, complains incessantly and is just plain miserable. She does so well on medication but won't stay on it. I have a tremendous amount of stress and am very busy with work and family life (one of my kids has special needs that requires lots of doctor appointments). I don't have the time to be brought down into her abyss. I change the subject when she badmouths people and I don't enable the negativity. I can't even validate her anger/anxiety/distress anymore because I have my own physical pain/stress/etc and I just deal.

My whole life I was her emotional dumping ground. Now she either needs to find a therapist and tale meds or dump on a friend. i check on her but won't engage in any of it anymore. That infuriates her so she actually stops talking to me to punish me. It's a nice break honestly.

Get her to do virtual volunteering. If she is agoraphobic and depressed this will get her out of herself and may even be good for her loneliness.

https://www.pointsoflight.org/virtual-volunteering-opportunities/
https://www.aarp.org/volunteer/virtual/

Your mother sounds like a perfect candidate for therapy. I mean that sincerely. She can unload and have someone to talk to and maybe do something about her negativity and depression.

It's hard, OP.
Any chance you can time it so you can miss her sometimes and leave messages?

Get her a life alert, sign her up for senior call checks if they have them in her area. Falling and lying there days for your call is not a plus. Looking in isn't what you are doing, it's an ineffective measure.

You are very unlikely to save her life with these calls. If she drops dead or just to the ground with a heart attack, you calling 2 days later isn’t going to save her. So take this off the list of reasons you are calling so often.

Once you remove this, why are you calling and why does it need to last 20 minutes? If you think it is the right thing to do because she is lonely, great. But stop caring about her being negative. It literally means nothing to you that she thinks her single neighbor is taking two men at a time (or whatever she is judging this week).

But if you think, I have no idea why I’m calling if I’m not saving her life, cut it back. My sister calls my terrible dad once a quarter. It is fine. We completely realize he may die and we won’t know for a long time. That’s ok. He is terrible. Your mom doesn’t sound terrible, so you should probably land on more than once a quarter — LOL.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. First of all, 2 calls a week is above and beyond. It's very kind of you to offer her company. It really sucks when people get into such a rut late in life, but all too common.

A couple things--make the calls for you. Do what you need to do to feel at peace about your mom. What do you need to not have regrets about the relationship? Just do that. Don't worry about the rest.

Also, I have similar family members. It really helps me to look at them clinically. Like...how a therapist or social worker views their tougher clients. Compassionately but at an arm's length emotionally. You're there to offer a service in a professional manner. It just re-frames the interaction in my head and makes it slightly more bearable.

I disagree, two calls a week is close to the bare minimum - especially if you are the only one looking in.

Anonymous wrote:Do her a favor, and stop calling. You don’t care.

np you are not helpful, pp

I'm sorry OP. First of all, 2 calls a week is above and beyond. It's very kind of you to offer her company. It really sucks when people get into such a rut late in life, but all too common.

A couple things--make the calls for you. Do what you need to do to feel at peace about your mom. What do you need to not have regrets about the relationship? Just do that. Don't worry about the rest.

Also, I have similar family members. It really helps me to look at them clinically. Like...how a therapist or social worker views their tougher clients. Compassionately but at an arm's length emotionally. You're there to offer a service in a professional manner. It just re-frames the interaction in my head and makes it slightly more bearable.

I agree with the "bags of rocks" poster. There is nothing to respect. You're responsible for your own life and cannot just expect somebody else to live it for you. We cannot carry someone else's burden. One should help if there are specific issues (enough food, roof over the head, taxes paid), but you cannot require someone to listen to your endless complaining for 20-30-40 years or often your whole lifetime. You expect too much from others, and it's not your children's job to fix your emotional issues.

What is there to respect? The MIL sounds awful. Being old isn’t a license to be awful and inflict yourself on others and burden them. The people who do this were often awful people when they were younger too.

You don't respect her. She senses that. Op, how about you accept her for where she is now, and work on connecting to this human being that loves you. Stop judging. Stop making it about you.