Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has your mom been in a home? And you haven't sold her house to help with this? Jesus christ, yall need to get on it! That will help out so much.

Seriously, this is nuts. You cannot demand siblings start kicking in, particularly when you admit they don't have excess funds, when there is a significant asset just sitting there waiting to be tapped.

you can demand the siblings help in many ways (time, money, etc) if they are complaining about the one sibling who has done years of caring for the other parent (and this one). Just because they still live nearby does NOT make them responsible in any way. It's time for the boys to step up financially as well.

You can demand it, but you cannot force them to actually do anything.

There is no need for anyone to be stepping up financially when there is a major asset to sell and fund her care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has your mom been in a home? And you haven't sold her house to help with this? Jesus christ, yall need to get on it! That will help out so much.

Seriously, this is nuts. You cannot demand siblings start kicking in, particularly when you admit they don't have excess funds, when there is a significant asset just sitting there waiting to be tapped.

you can demand the siblings help in many ways (time, money, etc) if they are complaining about the one sibling who has done years of caring for the other parent (and this one). Just because they still live nearby does NOT make them responsible in any way. It's time for the boys to step up financially as well.

Our parents lived in a retirement care facility. One brother would visit daily. One brother would drive right by every day, without stopping. But he handled some critical things for them - the upkeep of their house. He always stayed in town, never traveled, every holiday and always worked hard to make them comfortable and give them nice holidays.

NP here. Every Sibling brings something different to the table. And the good thing is: Mom knows! Mom has known all of you your whole lives (obviously) Do not think you need to bring, to the attention of Mom, the good/bad, strengths/weaknesses of your siblings. She knows!

Anonymous wrote:How long has your mom been in a home? And you haven't sold her house to help with this? Jesus christ, yall need to get on it! That will help out so much.

Seriously, this is nuts. You cannot demand siblings start kicking in, particularly when you admit they don't have excess funds, when there is a significant asset just sitting there waiting to be tapped.

How long has your mom been in a home? And you haven't sold her house to help with this? Jesus christ, yall need to get on it! That will help out so much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sister was wonderful in caring for Dad, who died after a relatively brief but painful illness. We all did what we could.
Now Mom, in her nineties, is failing. Sister says, "I'm not doing it again." I understand her, and am willing to partially pay for help and visit when I can, given my full-time job and troubled teen.
My brothers are apoplectic. How can she say that, what kind of daughter says that, etc.
I'm with her.
Thoughts? Mainly concerned how to deal with my brothers, who are really out of control. They live far away (Texas) and visiting is harder for them. They're also not that close to Mom.
This is uncharted territory for me.

I hope to f***ing god that you are sticking up for her when they spew this sh*t. You have toxic misogynistic a$$holes for brothers.

How can you say this is uncharted territory when it's literally already happened? Anyways, she's made it clear she doesn't want to be the hands on person. This means everyone chips in, or the estate starts getting drained for eldercare. They can do plenty from texas - applying online for homes, research on home care aids etc.

SERIOUSLY on the bolded. Caring for a dying person is difficult and likely traumatic. I'd respond to my brothers that each of the three of us need to take time off to go take care of mom and giver sister a break after she cared for dad. And the be ready for all the excuses from your brothers. Hopefully they can fill the void of in-person caring with money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Wondering how common this is. My brother hasn’t visited my 90 year old mother in three years. He’s wealthy so it’s not a question of finances. Do men just bail?

NP. Yep, they really do, for the most part. Some are different, but it's common enough that I talk to my female friends about not being the child who lives closest. NOT that they shouldn't be involved, but when a daughter lives closer than her brother, that is inevitably the linchpin that any discussion of caring for parents and distribution of resources rests on -- not that she is a woman, but that sh "lives closer." Take it out of the equation, and the discussion can't default to that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Or the parents didn’t care or plan? My parents moved near me in retirement so they could help with grandchildren and I’d help them age. That’s what should happen in retirement.

Yes. It’s hard for everyone, but there was a study some years ago indicating that seniors who receive more/better care from family also chose to be more adaptable and to give up some autonomy; whereas those who who retained most of their independence did not have as robust care (by comparison).

Then again, it’s also not unusual to have the grandparents move close to one of their kids and help with childcare for years, only for that adult child not to be willing to help the parents as they age (feeling they’ve “done their part”).

Even in families that diligently have their estate paperwork completed, if the families don’t work well together interpersonally—and the parents are a part of that equation—it can make for a lot of excess stress, grief, and resentment.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your sister is burned out after taking care of your Dad.

It looks like you and your brothers should step up in coming up with a plan for Mom.

This. Parents are living longer. it is unrealistic and entitled to expect one sibling to do the most. It doesn't matter how close or how far the person is. After enough years, people burn out and you need to figure out a new plan.

Thanks to all who responded. Mom is not mobile enough to move to Texas (!) but thanks for the laugh. My brothers, also, wouldn't be able or willing to care for her there.
She's in a comfortable retirement home, that I chose, and we're not moving her anywhere. I liked this post:

"Op, this should be framed as a financial question. There are fine-enough facilities that will care for her. And you can all visit. You can all spend as much time as you are able to, and still have her cared for. And live your lives. if she doesn't have much money, probably all the better, Medicaid will pay.

This is not an emotional/relationship question - not unless all of you just want to wallow in drama."
We've wallowed enough. I think we should draw up specific tasks/timelines for each of us to do something specific and within our abilities. My brothers are flying in for Thanksgiving (it's a real financial outlay for them, and they don't have a lot of $$) and we can, I hope, talk out money, visiting, paperwork duties, and other tasks like cleaning out the house where we all grew up. Thank you, all!

Your brothers are jerks and have no idea how hard it is. She can love her mother without wanting to be caretaker all over again. If your brothers care about their mom, they can move her closer to them or move closer to her. Your sister has done her part and it’s time for someone else to step up. Good for her for boundaries and advanced notice to the rest of you.

Anonymous wrote:Op, this should be framed as a financial question. There are fine-enough facilities that will care for her. And you can all visit. You can all spend as much time as you are able to, and still have her cared for. And live your lives. if she doesn't have much money, probably all the better, Medicaid will pay.

This is not an emotional/relationship question - not unless all of you just want to wallow in drama.

Anonymous wrote:How you deal with your brothers is by saying you agree with your sister. She already took point on one parent dying and there are apparently at least four kids! Someone else needs to step up.

THIS!

But that's not the end of the conversation. Not everyone can be the person who takes on the job your sister did. If no one else is willing or able to provide the type of help your sister did, you need to arrange for your mom's care by hiring an outside party, whether that be part-time help, caregivers at her residence or moving her to an assisted living home. "You" meaning you and your other siblings. Yes, it's expensive. But she needs outside support and if you don't have a family member willing to provide it, then there's ways to arrange it.

Source- just did this for our father and father-in-law

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your sister is burned out after taking care of your Dad.

It looks like you and your brothers should step up in coming up with a plan for Mom.

+1
OP doesn't get a pass just because she has a full time job and a teen. We all have that.
You all need to step up, with research, money, etc. Sister is done.