Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When family visits your home, which household rules do you think are appropriate to ask guests (including relatives) to follow? How do you handle it when your family’s parenting style or values differ?

Minor things, like asking guests to take off their shoes, feel easy to enforce. The same goes for big, clear boundaries, such as not bringing a gun into the house. But what about the gray areas?

For example, my husband and I don’t allow spanking, but my brother spanked his child during a recent visit, which really upset our kids. Would you say something in the moment, ask that discipline be handled privately, or insist that your house rules apply to everyone while they’re in your home? Or take another approach entirely? My husband leans toward talking to my brother before the next visit, while I tend to avoid confrontation...so I’m curious how others handle situations like this.

You sound dramatic, OP. Your kids are going to witness stuff like this (and worse) in public. You've never seen someone spank their kid at the store? At the park? I get it, this is your house, but I doubt your children would have been as upset if you hadn't made a big thing about it. I also imagine they've forgotten about it already while you're still wringing your hands. I don't condone spanking and I think your brother is probably pretty emotionally immature if that's his response to his children, but I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill with this.

I've literally never seen anyone spank their child, in public or in private. Where do you live that this is such a common occurrence?

Anonymous wrote:When family visits your home, which household rules do you think are appropriate to ask guests (including relatives) to follow? How do you handle it when your family’s parenting style or values differ?

Minor things, like asking guests to take off their shoes, feel easy to enforce. The same goes for big, clear boundaries, such as not bringing a gun into the house. But what about the gray areas?

For example, my husband and I don’t allow spanking, but my brother spanked his child during a recent visit, which really upset our kids. Would you say something in the moment, ask that discipline be handled privately, or insist that your house rules apply to everyone while they’re in your home? Or take another approach entirely? My husband leans toward talking to my brother before the next visit, while I tend to avoid confrontation...so I’m curious how others handle situations like this.

You sound dramatic, OP. Your kids are going to witness stuff like this (and worse) in public. You've never seen someone spank their kid at the store? At the park? I get it, this is your house, but I doubt your children would have been as upset if you hadn't made a big thing about it. I also imagine they've forgotten about it already while you're still wringing your hands. I don't condone spanking and I think your brother is probably pretty emotionally immature if that's his response to his children, but I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill with this.

I think things that affect my family members are non-negotiable. Therefore, no smoking inside, no other dogs (we have two), no loaded guns (I can't believe that's something someone even has to say!), etc. But for things that don't impact my family members, my guests can do as they please. Therefore, you're allowed to spank your kids (I sincerely doubt yours were traumatized, and I don't spank mine and think it's barbaric), eat dessert before dinner, stay up/sleep in late, etc.

We are fairly casual, the only rules we actively enforce are no phones at the table. We have asked guests to turn off/put away.

Other rules are absolutely no smoking, no guns, and I'm sure there are others, but none of our friends smoke or carry guns that I know of

You do not have to invite this brother to stay in your house again. I would not, personally.

But it’s fine to say “in this house we do not hit other people” or curse, or smoke, or whatever your rules are. If people don’t want to adhere to the rules in your house, they don’t have to stay over.

Personally, I would tell my brother that my kids were upset seeing him hit his child and that can’t happen again in my home. If he thinks it’s ridiculous, he doesn’t have to come over again. But maybe it would cause him to reflect on what he’s doing and how it looks to other people, and whether he would like to have an alternative way of behaving. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t have to come in to your house. You’re not controlling his behavior. You’re simply controlling what you tolerate in your own home. I wouldn’t tolerate spanking, I wouldn’t tolerate people screaming obscenities, I wouldn’t tolerate people denigrating other people. It’s not impolite to insist on civilized behavior in your home. Doesn’t matter if they’re family or friends, or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question is, what are you going to do when they break those rules? Because they are likely to. I am a longtime anti-gun household, but a guest pulled out a loaded gun recently.

What! I would have asked person to leave immediately. Why would any sane person carry a loaded gun to a friend's house?

That point, with a loaded gun being pointed at me, the only option was to comply and hasten the visit to a natural close.

DP. I'm sorry that happened, but most of us are not being held at gunpoint by our houseguests.

Honestly I can’t think of any rules I enforce for guests — and we host overnight guests frequently. I would draw the line at smoking the house but no one has ever tried.

Anonymous wrote:My house, my rules.

If you don't state that you vote stright D, you can't come in my house.

I can't prevent people from lying but if you are to step foot into MY home, you will denounce Republicans or you will be excluded.

B- Trolling

My house, my rules.

If you don't state that you vote stright D, you can't come in my house.

I can't prevent people from lying but if you are to step foot into MY home, you will denounce Republicans or you will be excluded.

Anonymous wrote:We have non-negotiable rules: no smoking, no red wine/coffee in our room w/ a cream carpet , no phones at the table unless critically important, no one currently in the throes of any addiction struggles, etc...

We have rules we flex on sometimes when we have guests (bedtime, chores, etc..)

I don't know how we'd handle the spanking thing. There's a level of spanking I could probably tolerate (the swat on the butt level) and a level I couldn't (done in rage, open handed palm to the face, clear pain being inflicted, etc...) I would, at minimum, be taking it as a learning opportunity for discussion w/ my kids. If it's a level I'm not comofrtable with I'd talk to my brother directly.

I have refused to allow family members back into our house after they broke core rules and it has been hard. But I'm firm. (Two instances - one smoked pot in our house and lied about it, the other is an active alcoholic.)

When in doubt, protect your kids - that's a clear bright line that can be clarifying.

Yikes!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question is, what are you going to do when they break those rules? Because they are likely to. I am a longtime anti-gun household, but a guest pulled out a loaded gun recently.

What! I would have asked person to leave immediately. Why would any sane person carry a loaded gun to a friend's house?

That point, with a loaded gun being pointed at me, the only option was to comply and hasten the visit to a natural close.

Family can’t spank my kids, but who am I to tell them how to raise their kids? We don’t spank, but I don’t think traditional spanking is abuse.

If I feel like I have to tell a guest no guns, no smoking, no spanking, etc. I'm probably not going to be inviting them to stay at my house anyway - doesn't matter who they are. This goes for excessive drinking and politics talk.

What if the guest with the loaded sidearm is also the one giving the spanking? Is it appropriate to unholster it before turning the kid over the lap?

Anonymous wrote:Question is, what are you going to do when they break those rules? Because they are likely to. I am a longtime anti-gun household, but a guest pulled out a loaded gun recently.

What! I would have asked person to leave immediately. Why would any sane person carry a loaded gun to a friend's house?