Anonymous wrote:We are the son and DIL in this scenario and while we don’t begrudge DH’s sister/BIL receiving more assistance (nor would I ever want my MIL to provide full time care) it does have a lot of secondary effects that have fostered resentment and led to our distancing ourselves.

For example, when we’ve asked MIL/FIL to visit for a child’s special event or to help out during a couple of genuine family emergencies we’ve been told they can’t because of their childcare responsibilities to the other grand children. Also, when we do get together for extended family gatherings our kids feel left out because of all of the constant stories and references to things that grandma/cousins have been doing together that they weren’t a part of.

This was us. Clearly it wasn’t intentional on the part of my in-laws but our kids always felt like they were never as close as my SIL’s kids. Our visits with my in-laws always included them in the name of the cousins being together. But the reality is that our kids never got one on one time with my in-laws. On the rare chance they did see them solo, all they talked about was SILs kids.

For OP, if you provide daycare for one set of kids please make sure you find ways to prioritize the other set when you can without the cousins. Let both sets of grandkids feel the same sense of closeness and care when they are with you. Kids very much notice these things.

Anonymous wrote:Fair might mean watching grandkids for 9 days while parents go on vacation. Dh and I would do just about anything for my parents who give us this. It way more precious than daycare. Daycare is easy to get, overnight care is not.

I would also think that the local child will help you more. My grandparents watched my cousin who was local to them. My aunt helps me grandparents nonstop now.

This is How to make it equitable. I’d also try to insist that babysitting happens at your house. Then it’s on them.

I’d also talk to your daughter about getting in a waitlist for when the baby is one or two. Potty training is very demanding, and I don’t think it’s being unfair to say that you might not be energetic enough to do that again at your phase of life. The first year of childcare is the most expensive, so even if you can only do a year, you’re being very generous. The worst thing would be for you to offer care, get overwhelmed, and then they need to scramble, leaving the child in a low-quality program. Plan the exit now.

If they have a second baby, and you’re still game to watch baby 2, you’ll want the older child to be in good daycare, so you can focus on baby 2. My mom helped me with sitting when my kids were 2 and 4. She found that she could only do one child at a time, given her age.

To be clear, you can stop sitting at any time for any reason, but they’ll be much happier in the long run if they have time to get off the wait list for a high quality alternative.

Anonymous wrote:We are the son and DIL in this scenario and while we don’t begrudge DH’s sister/BIL receiving more assistance (nor would I ever want my MIL to provide full time care) it does have a lot of secondary effects that have fostered resentment and led to our distancing ourselves.

For example, when we’ve asked MIL/FIL to visit for a child’s special event or to help out during a couple of genuine family emergencies we’ve been told they can’t because of their childcare responsibilities to the other grand children. Also, when we do get together for extended family gatherings our kids feel left out because of all of the constant stories and references to things that grandma/cousins have been doing together that they weren’t a part of.

I was coming in to write this exact post but someone did it for me.

It's tough - my parents visited all the time before my sibling had kids but now, limited to weekends. Definitely has impacted our relationship with them all. (At the same time, I know if I lived locally, my parents would also sit for my kids for free.)

It will be a tough situation for your son. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. (As a kid, I was your daughters kids in this scenario - grandparents watched me for free daily my whole childhood - was super close to them - they had a much more distant relationship with my cousins.)

Omg - why did you agree to this? You will be exhausted. I would only offer this for 3 months.

Anything you can do to keep a child out of daycare is worth it, imo. But providing full time care yourself is no joke. And it’s worse for the child if you suddenly stop because of burnout.

I’m hoping to provide three days per week for my future grandchild for three years, with a part time nanny coming two days. That would also leave more flexibility for other grandchild’s occasional events. Resist adding on tasks like laundry!

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to provide full time daycare? That would be a hard no for me.

This will you never take a vacation? How will you get things find you need to do, do your hobbies, see your friends?

Anonymous wrote:My adult daughter and son each are expecting this winter. I've agreed to watch my daughter's baby full time when she goes back to work as it's a fairly easy morning ride over to my house. My son and his wife live almost an hour away, so it was never even a question that I'd be able to watch their baby. They didn't ask me, but rather signed up with a daycare.

A friend made a comment that it wasn't fair that I'd be watching one baby for free while the other set of parents pays thousands a month. They can probably afford it more than my daughter and her husband can, and they haven't said anything to me, but now I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for trouble and ideas of favoritism. Is there any way to make this fair? Should I even try?

Yes. Resentment. Not just money but time and relationships.

Son: “can you watch little Johnny on Monday - school is closed.”
Mom: “no, I’m watching other grandchild.”

Repeat.

Other grandchild with surely know you’re closer to the one you watch all the time and feel badly at every family gathering.

I think there will be resentment. Absolutely. You will be closer with one child too and not the other. You spend so much time with X but not Y.

I would not do this, plus this is a lot of work for you. Full-time care is not joke. Maybe offer until Christmas or some such end date and other arrangement need to be made.

You’re doing a wonderful thing for your daughter. You should have a conversation with your son to make sure he’s not upset. But it seems crazy to me not to do a good thing for one kid because you couldn’t do the exact same thing for another kid.

It’s usually the wife who decides and who knows if your DIL even wants you to watch the baby. Besides she has her own parents.

OP do you and you daughter understand how much work this will be for you? And if you’re also providing vacations and weekends for your son, you are going to work yourself ragged. I don’t see how it’s sustainable for you.

Don’t underestimate how burned out you might become watching a kid full time. If you want to even it out a bit, offer full time for six months, and then 2 days a week or something. Your son may or may not become resentful, but once you realize how exhausting babies and toddlers can be, and how little free time you have, you very well might become resentful. I spent a lot of time with my grandma when I was little—but also had a babysitter I went to as well. It was better for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:I love kids - have 3 and I would NEVER dream of being a full time caregiver to a baby or toddler. Absolutely not. Part time? Sure or for a few hours a day. E.g. kid goes to Montessori from 9 to 2 and I help in the AM and PM.

I think you'll be way in over your head and have no idea. You can't just not provide daycare when they rely on you.

That said, I would tell the other adult child that they can go on vacation and leave the kids with you. That would be fair ish trade.

These are you kids and its crazy you cannot raise them without a lot of help.

You should offer both. Of course, you favor your daughter and it will continue as you will not have the same bond with the other grandchild.

Anonymous wrote:We are the son and DIL in this scenario and while we don’t begrudge DH’s sister/BIL receiving more assistance (nor would I ever want my MIL to provide full time care) it does have a lot of secondary effects that have fostered resentment and led to our distancing ourselves.

For example, when we’ve asked MIL/FIL to visit for a child’s special event or to help out during a couple of genuine family emergencies we’ve been told they can’t because of their childcare responsibilities to the other grand children. Also, when we do get together for extended family gatherings our kids feel left out because of all of the constant stories and references to things that grandma/cousins have been doing together that they weren’t a part of.

This is going to be the issue.