DH’s family of origin yells - to be angry, to make a point etc. His dad in particular yells and I really don’t like it. DH sometimes yells in anger and has raised his voice with our younger daughter( but not often and typically feels bad. My family origin was very conflict avoidant Generally people didn’t show emotion, but I was a very emotional kid. I have memories of crying and my dad getting in the car and leaving for the day to go play golf. Not ideal and also not what I want.

We’ve been together over 20 years. I feel like most that time we didn’t yell at each other. Literally this week we had a discussion because there have been 3 instances where I was conflict avoidant and he yelled when he found out about the situation. I think, unfortunately, things have been stressful and we’ve fallen on bad / old patterns.

This is the big one. I was being considered for a special project at work. I didn’t think there’d be an opportunity to throw my hat in the ring, but things changed. My husband felt it was risky in the current environment because it’s a little related, tangentially, to something partisan and he thought I could be at risk. This isn’t it, but pretend I had the chance to be a physician’s assistant in a gyn’s office and he’s worried political extremists would target me because they associate gyn’s office with abortion. He acknowledged that his imagined risk was extremely unlikely, but felt it wasn’t worth taking the risk. After months trying to line up an opportunity (let’s say one open to any physician’s assistant position, but don’t know where I’d be working) I was told I was formally in the running the project he thought was risky. I thought it was riskier to my career to withdraw my name - I wasn’t convinced I’d be ordered a project again if I did.

Well, my manager told me st the end of July that I was the front runner. We were on vacation that week and I didn’t want to ruin the vibe. We had one week back and I found out officially that Friday. The next day i left town with my kids to visit my parents. It was then the first week of school and I didn’t want to deal with it and I wanted to just be happy I was picked. Also, I kept assuming he’d ask what I was doing next since my project was coming to an end. I dropped some passive hints but didn’t tell him.

In mid Sept I told him. I didn’t plan well because that I really thought he’d realized. So I basically was like “as you know, I’m about to start working in the gyn’s office..”

He was really mad..:.less about the fact that I made my own choice and more about the fact that I kept it secret. He yelled that I’d “f*ing messed up and had been f*inf dishonest” and he didn’t know what to do with this since we have always been so honest with each other. I said (without yelling) “I acknowledge that I did a bad job and “f’’ed up” but that doesn’t mean you get to sit here and yell at me. We can talk whenever you’re ready, but please stop yelling” and he did. He was still really mad, but he didn’t yell. That was the most forceful yelling I can think of.

Anonymous wrote:He explodes and yells when he doesn’t want to answer a question. About our taxes, about his work, about where his income is going.

He’s supposed to take lexapro each day but either it isn’t happening or he’s taking it so sporadically, it makes his anger outbursts worse.

Ths asd and bipolar II.

Guy here. What isn’t he answering about work? I don’t want to talk about work because i really don’t care about it outside of work. I give work zero emotional equity in my life.

Why isn’t your pay / his pay going into a joint account?

My parents never fought and they had a much more dysfunctional and disconnected marriage than DH and I do, and yes we sometimes yell when we are upset.

I don’t think yelling/not yelling and good/bad marriages are correlated. My parents were completely emotionally checked out of the marriage. They didn’t yell, because they just didn’t care what the other one did, ever.

He explodes and yells when he doesn’t want to answer a question. About our taxes, about his work, about where his income is going.

He’s supposed to take lexapro each day but either it isn’t happening or he’s taking it so sporadically, it makes his anger outbursts worse.

Ths asd and bipolar II.

Anonymous wrote:We've been married 13 years, together 16. We've never yelled or called each other names. We both grew up in households that yelled. Parents that yelled at each other and parents that yelled at us. DH and I both never wanted to be like that and worked hard (before we met) on emotional regulation and communication.

Same here. My parents never name called but there was a lot of yelling and I had and have a lot of trauma from that. Was not going to repeat that in my household.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am going to post a real answer, because no way all these married couples have not yelled at each other. We have been married 26 years, have two kids, and yes we have yelled at each other -- never name calling, never anything cruel or that can't be unsaid, but we have definitely raised our voices and expressed anger or frustration.

I am GenX and find it surprising that so many people are so upset by yelling.

This is exactly me too. Together 25 years, Gen X. We have a really, really loving relationship with great communication. Have always been best friends. Really no conflict. But once a year, maayyybee twice a year, something dumb will come up and the conditions will be just right (or wrong) that we have a 3-4 minute blow up. Never name calling, never anything personal, but we'll definitely have a fight with a few sentences very loudly spoken. Given how many people on this thread claim they 'never yell', I'm guessing they might describe these events are "raising voices", rather than yelling -- because honestly these fights are mundane enough that i can't imagine other marriages don't have events like this pop up every now and then.

(i will also add that, for the people who said they find mere raised voices stressful - i know people like you, and this may be my absolute least compatible type of person in life -- whether as friend, colleague, classmate or partner. I really dislike how much tiptoeing you have to do, because these folks tend to see even emotionless conversations as aggressive and tear-enducing, which is so much drama for me)

Yeah i am not going to be manipulated by people who yell to get what they want, sorry I frustrate your plans. Because that is what yelling is all about, getting someone to do what you want.

I am careful not to upset DH but he does yell occasionally. It makes me feel awful.

Anonymous wrote:All the time. I find it strange when couples can't work up enough emotion to fight every now and then. It's like you're sleepwalking through life.

Weird way to live.

Anonymous wrote:All the time. I find it strange when couples can't work up enough emotion to fight every now and then. It's like you're sleepwalking through life.

Do you yell at other people? No one ever yells at me and I'd think it bizarre if someone did. I'm definitely not yelling at the person I love most in the world.

No

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am going to post a real answer, because no way all these married couples have not yelled at each other. We have been married 26 years, have two kids, and yes we have yelled at each other -- never name calling, never anything cruel or that can't be unsaid, but we have definitely raised our voices and expressed anger or frustration.

I am GenX and find it surprising that so many people are so upset by yelling.

This is exactly me too. Together 25 years, Gen X. We have a really, really loving relationship with great communication. Have always been best friends. Really no conflict. But once a year, maayyybee twice a year, something dumb will come up and the conditions will be just right (or wrong) that we have a 3-4 minute blow up. Never name calling, never anything personal, but we'll definitely have a fight with a few sentences very loudly spoken. Given how many people on this thread claim they 'never yell', I'm guessing they might describe these events are "raising voices", rather than yelling -- because honestly these fights are mundane enough that i can't imagine other marriages don't have events like this pop up every now and then.

(i will also add that, for the people who said they find mere raised voices stressful - i know people like you, and this may be my absolute least compatible type of person in life -- whether as friend, colleague, classmate or partner. I really dislike how much tiptoeing you have to do, because these folks tend to see even emotionless conversations as aggressive and tear-enducing, which is so much drama for me)

That works out well then for all of us as I have no interest in having friends who yell at me when ever they feel irritated or annoyed or frustrated. My friends and I have a wide range of emotions and we are able to express them without yelling at each other. I like adults who can regulate their emotions. If your way of expressing emotion is to yell at people, I am quite happy for you to stick with other yellers and you can all yell at each other! And if you have a spouse that expresses themselves by yelling at you and you think that’s great, then match made in heaven!

I’m a loud person and yell a lot, but I can’t think of anytime in our 20 year marriage where it has been yelling in anger. But I yell not in anger a lot. I have one friend who when she is over always seems amazed that I raise my voice at all.

Things I yelled at my husband today:
“When you come upstairs bring a Philips head screwdriver”
“Last call for dirty clothes, I’m putting in the last load of the weekend”
“Dinner is ready”

Yes, we do all the time. That’s the only thing that works with my husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife yells, I don't engage with that BS. Rinse and repeat.

the “rinse and repeat” thing needs to stop

She likes to drum every "mistake" (never cheated) I have ever made, point out how far" behind" (mainly we don't have a $5 million house, millions in the bank and a 100 ft yacht), she makes emotional statements not supported by facts. Last week she went after what make, actually said I make the same or less than her. My net pay to date this year is already 3X what her gross for the entire year will be. Argument can never just about whatever the issue of the day is, it is about everything. Never going to make any progress that way. Hence the rinse and repeat.

She acts like yelling and insulting will change things instantaneously.

Anonymous wrote:So I am going to post a real answer, because no way all these married couples have not yelled at each other. We have been married 26 years, have two kids, and yes we have yelled at each other -- never name calling, never anything cruel or that can't be unsaid, but we have definitely raised our voices and expressed anger or frustration.

I am GenX and find it surprising that so many people are so upset by yelling.

This is exactly me too. Together 25 years, Gen X. We have a really, really loving relationship with great communication. Have always been best friends. Really no conflict. But once a year, maayyybee twice a year, something dumb will come up and the conditions will be just right (or wrong) that we have a 3-4 minute blow up. Never name calling, never anything personal, but we'll definitely have a fight with a few sentences very loudly spoken. Given how many people on this thread claim they 'never yell', I'm guessing they might describe these events are "raising voices", rather than yelling -- because honestly these fights are mundane enough that i can't imagine other marriages don't have events like this pop up every now and then.

(i will also add that, for the people who said they find mere raised voices stressful - i know people like you, and this may be my absolute least compatible type of person in life -- whether as friend, colleague, classmate or partner. I really dislike how much tiptoeing you have to do, because these folks tend to see even emotionless conversations as aggressive and tear-enducing, which is so much drama for me)