Anonymous wrote:From my perspective it is only ok if you are gay. Hanging out alone with a member of the sex you are attracted to seems to create problems of commission and/or omission, so it is best to avoid those situations. You can still have and maintain those relationships, but without excluding your spouse.

Agree. Unless a rare scenario. Like the friend is gay and you’re straight. Or it’s a very occasional situation, or it’s a purely work driven thing (and those should be very occasional, not regular events). Otherwise, spouse/partners should be invited.

Anonymous wrote:From my perspective it is only ok if you are gay. Hanging out alone with a member of the sex you are attracted to seems to create problems of commission and/or omission, so it is best to avoid those situations. You can still have and maintain those relationships, but without excluding your spouse.

There are four billion women in the world. I'm not attracted to most of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m was very involved in my community and I have a few guys friends from our town council, the Rotary and the school board. They are very nice guys and I’d never drop them because they are males. None of them have ever seen it as anything but a friendship. My husband knows them and it’s never been an issue for him.

Are you going to the movies, for drinks, dinners etc with them ALONE on a regular basis?

Usually just coffee or lunch. And yes, I’m ALONE with them!

From my perspective it is only ok if you are gay. Hanging out alone with a member of the sex you are attracted to seems to create problems of commission and/or omission, so it is best to avoid those situations. You can still have and maintain those relationships, but without excluding your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:I’m was very involved in my community and I have a few guys friends from our town council, the Rotary and the school board. They are very nice guys and I’d never drop them because they are males. None of them have ever seen it as anything but a friendship. My husband knows them and it’s never been an issue for him.

Are you going to the movies, for drinks, dinners etc with them ALONE on a regular basis?

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have close friends of the opposite sex that I hang out with on any sort of regular basis. Nor do any of my close female friends. That would be weird if you’re married, come on.

I have a few guy friends who I text with occasionally - mostly on larger friend text chains and occasionally off the main chain- but I’m not having a lot of one on one time with them.

Keep in mind this is DCUM where affairs are normal.
Most of them are divorced or will be soon

Most of them hate their spouse and purely married for money or to have kids

Most of them think it's weird to have any sort of bond with your spouse other than sex ( rare) and parenting.

Most of them don't know what their spouse wants for a birthday or Christmas.

Are afraid to ask their spouse any questions

Spouses being friends and hanging out is strange to this crowd.

Dating their friends is normal

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the standard is " if you don't trust them why are you in a relationship with them?: which broadly I agree with.

But I still come back to why do you need to go on these one on one hang outs with them? Movies? Dinner? coffee etc?

Why are you okay of giving the appearance of being a couple to outside observers?

Because I am an adult and have friends who are the opposite sex without any weird hangups

.

Why do you need these friends? You couldn’t make same sex friends? I had more same sex friends before I married but these naturally faded after we married. It’s just normal to do be hanging out constantly with an opposite sex person. I’m not ‘not friends’ with these people, but I’m certainly not hanging out with them alone on a regular basis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have close friends of the opposite sex that I hang out with on any sort of regular basis. Nor do any of my close female friends. That would be weird if you’re married, come on.

I have a few guy friends who I text with occasionally - mostly on larger friend text chains and occasionally off the main chain- but I’m not having a lot of one on one time with them.

I think lots of people are telling you it's not weird and their spouses don't find it weird. "Come on" is not a particularly convincing argument.

My friends would find it odd. We all have tons of same sex friendships. We don’t need to hang with married men. Tbh I think people who can’t cultivate friendships with same sex friends likely have other issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have close friends of the opposite sex that I hang out with on any sort of regular basis. Nor do any of my close female friends. That would be weird if you’re married, come on.

I have a few guy friends who I text with occasionally - mostly on larger friend text chains and occasionally off the main chain- but I’m not having a lot of one on one time with them.

I think lots of people are telling you it's not weird and their spouses don't find it weird. "Come on" is not a particularly convincing argument.

Neither is other people saying it's not weird it's an equivalent to a teen saying " but all my friends parents let them"

Lots of people who are married flirt.

Lots of people who are married have work spouses.

Lots of people who are married have affairs.

Lots of people doing it doesn't make it not weird or wrong.

Anonymous wrote:I know the standard is " if you don't trust them why are you in a relationship with them?: which broadly I agree with.

But I still come back to why do you need to go on these one on one hang outs with them? Movies? Dinner? coffee etc?

Why are you okay of giving the appearance of being a couple to outside observers?

Because I am an adult and have friends who are the opposite sex without any weird hangups

I’m was very involved in my community and I have a few guys friends from our town council, the Rotary and the school board. They are very nice guys and I’d never drop them because they are males. None of them have ever seen it as anything but a friendship. My husband knows them and it’s never been an issue for him.

Anonymous wrote:Why put yourself in vulnerable situations? Human feelings are complex and confusing. Do it in groups, not as couples, unless you are dating.

PP exactly. My dh isn’t going to freak if a guy friend from my college friend circle is in town and we meet up for a drink for an hour or two. But maybe once a year at most. I would not ever make this a regular thing. No way. It would be disrespectful to both our partners

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have close friends of the opposite sex that I hang out with on any sort of regular basis. Nor do any of my close female friends. That would be weird if you’re married, come on.

I have a few guy friends who I text with occasionally - mostly on larger friend text chains and occasionally off the main chain- but I’m not having a lot of one on one time with them.

I think lots of people are telling you it's not weird and their spouses don't find it weird. "Come on" is not a particularly convincing argument.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone with many close opposite sex relationships that have never even been borderline a problem in my long marriage, I guess I think: if it’s a problem to a significant other, then it’s a problem. Your standard of “appearance of a couple” is dumb though.

so you'tr cool with other people thinking some other woman is your husband's wife?

Who even cares what random people think of them? Does this mean that you cannot go out with any person of the opposite gender, lest it be misunderstood? Can you go out with your brother? Male cousins? BILs? Father or FIL? I mean, who knows what other people might think, right?

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have close friends of the opposite sex that I hang out with on any sort of regular basis. Nor do any of my close female friends. That would be weird if you’re married, come on.

I have a few guy friends who I text with occasionally - mostly on larger friend text chains and occasionally off the main chain- but I’m not having a lot of one on one time with them.

You shouldn't do things that don't work for you, or make you uncomfortable. So should others. Plenty of people have opposite gendered friends that they are close to. Just because you don't, doesn't make it wrong or weird.