Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 16:48     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those of you going on about Starbucks or even $1000 purses, our problem is much bigger than that. I could bury my head in the sand if it were a couple of thousand dollars of discretionary spending. My spouse is taking out significant debt to finance non-essential things I don't value. My need for financial security directly conflicts with their need to spend (finance) big-ticket items I don't value. They believe things will work out, income will continue to grow, and illiquid investments will pay off. I am holding them back, and they are causing me anxiety.


YOu need marriage therapy STAT. And separate your finances if they don't make changes. And quite frankly, I would consider separating, as I couldn't live with someone who differed so greatly on such a major issue in our lives.

Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 16:47     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A Starbucks drink is profligate? Wow. Gotta tell DH he has to use cheap shampoo not the expensive one.


It is if it's not in your budget to buy daily (or whenever they are buying it)

It all adds up. People like that tend to waste lots and not even realize it.


I never go to Starbucks. Yes, I think buying anything there is a waste of money. Make coffee at home, at the office, or buy it at McDonalds or 7-11. I also buy mostly generic items at the store (not some items like paper towels), and choose where I spend my money. When the kids were little, I'd buy clothes on sale for the next season in what size they'd be then.

Frugal, sure. And while we are probably poor by DCUM standards, we have everything we need and much of what we want. One international family trip per year, visit each kid at their flight-away-from home each semester, and spouse and I also do a US trip just the 2 of us. It works for us

Sounds like us. Starbucks is gross anyway. I make better coffee at home, or if out of the house, there are better places to get a drink.


agreed Starbucks is not good coffee. But it's the mentality of spending $$$ daily for something you can make at home. I live where I can walk to 6+ good coffee shops (not Starbucks) within 2 blocks of my home. Yet I rarely buy coffee out, because I can easily make much better at home (top coffee and top coffee maker) and why would I spend $7+ for a coffee that can be made for $.50 at home and be better?
I know people whose entire family 2 adults and 2-3 kids in MS/HS spend $40+ daily getting Starbucks or the equivalent. That is $1200+ per month. Add in also buying lunch while out and about and you have spent $3K+ per month on something that can be had for $500. Most are unaware of where their money is going



How much a pound is your coffee that costs you 50 cents a cup? Is this a nominal 6 oz cup or the amount you actually drink at a time?
I buy $21 a pound coffee beans, lasts 10 days. I make a big mugful about 14-15 oz a daya day. So technically that's under a dollar a 5-6 oz cup but it's over $2 a day.


My $25 bag of coffee lasts me ~13-14 days. So I guess it's about $2/day. However, that is 3 10 oz cups of coffee, so about $12 at our local coffee shop plus tip of $1-2. So I'm saving$10+ per day and getting much better coffee.
10*30 is $300/month.

I can afford it but think it's silly to spend that daily even if I can afford it. I'd rather spend it on other items. And for most people, multiple "like to haves" of $300/month per person adds up to $2K+ per month for the family. Invest that and a kid is set for college

Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 16:43     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a saver, spouse is an impulse spender. Spouse is also older than me (65 and 60), and retired. Able to retire because I am such a good saver and don't blow money on wants - I'm practical and have always spend on needs. And, we would talk budget each year, talk about savings goals, and luckily we were mostly on the same page. Always maxed 401(k) plans at work made it easier - can't spend the money you don't have. I did all the grocery shopping (meal planning, buying in season and on sale), and we discussed any big spending (usually home improvement or travel). Spouse's impulsive spending was usually not big ticket (we're at the airport, need to buy a large Starbucks drink, or we're on vacation and they feel they will never get to buy a fill-in-the-blank again because we won't be back there, or saw some cool gadget that a friend has and wants one). We both agreed early on that either could spend as they want, and anything over $1,000 we needed to discuss with each other first.

I will be retiring in 1-3 years, my choice to work while spouse retired.


You think a person who occasionally buys a Starbucks on vacation is spender? What's the point of living if you can't enjoy a simple pleasure from time to time without being termed a "spender?" Honestly it sounds like you have an unhealthy savings problem.

--not a spender or saver


IF that Starbucks purchases put you over your vacation budget, then it is an issue.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 16:42     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
What kind of stuff is the spender buying, OP? Why are they indifferent to debt? Have they ever explained their "needs" in that regard?
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 15:48     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those of you going on about Starbucks or even $1000 purses, our problem is much bigger than that. I could bury my head in the sand if it were a couple of thousand dollars of discretionary spending. My spouse is taking out significant debt to finance non-essential things I don't value. My need for financial security directly conflicts with their need to spend (finance) big-ticket items I don't value. They believe things will work out, income will continue to grow, and illiquid investments will pay off. I am holding them back, and they are causing me anxiety.


That sucks, OP. You need to keep finances 100% separate (which could be tough depending on who is the bigger breadwinner). No co-signing. No exceptions. If you can't do that while married... then you're next decision is a tough one. This is bigger than saver vs spender. This is a difference in values and willingness to compromise.


We're already in therapy. We have some degree of separation and shared accounts. We have an irresolvable, zero-sum conflict that has created so much resentment. I've tried and failed to find a middle ground. Staying married means (i) forcing my will on my spouse and living with their resentment over not being able to take out debt and spend freely, or (ii) allowing them to force their will on me, and living with the anxiety I feel every month as our checking account goes to zero. Unfortunately, as the lower-earning and spending spouse, I can't make and save enough separate money to compensate for the debt they can incur. But I do make enough money to support myself if we divorce.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 15:32     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those of you going on about Starbucks or even $1000 purses, our problem is much bigger than that. I could bury my head in the sand if it were a couple of thousand dollars of discretionary spending. My spouse is taking out significant debt to finance non-essential things I don't value. My need for financial security directly conflicts with their need to spend (finance) big-ticket items I don't value. They believe things will work out, income will continue to grow, and illiquid investments will pay off. I am holding them back, and they are causing me anxiety.


That sucks, OP. You need to keep finances 100% separate (which could be tough depending on who is the bigger breadwinner). No co-signing. No exceptions. If you can't do that while married... then you're next decision is a tough one. This is bigger than saver vs spender. This is a difference in values and willingness to compromise.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 15:18     Subject: Re:If you're a saver married to a spender
We each had separate accounts. We had one joint, into which we’d contribute half of each shared of household bill. He paid his car payment alone. If I bought something for myself, it was 100% on me to pay. For trips and big purchases, we paid half. I always had my trips paid off ahead of time with spending money. He would be paying for his half for months. He had a higher salary, too.
When we decided I’d stay home with kids, we determined an amount I’d earn and that was my money. I made or grew a lot of our food, did more chores that we’d outsourced prior, etc so I reduced household costs to make that earned money possible. It worked.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 15:12     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
PP ^^ I shouldn't assume you're DW, but in any case the recommendation stands.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 15:11     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those of you going on about Starbucks or even $1000 purses, our problem is much bigger than that. I could bury my head in the sand if it were a couple of thousand dollars of discretionary spending. My spouse is taking out significant debt to finance non-essential things I don't value. My need for financial security directly conflicts with their need to spend (finance) big-ticket items I don't value. They believe things will work out, income will continue to grow, and illiquid investments will pay off. I am holding them back, and they are causing me anxiety.


In that case, it sounds like you may need therapy OP. Find someone you and DH can both trust. There might be an underlying issue for his overspending. But, this is causing you anxiety, so it seems worth the extra expense to me. Burying your head in the sand isn't the way to cope. GL!
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 13:25     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
OP here. For those of you going on about Starbucks or even $1000 purses, our problem is much bigger than that. I could bury my head in the sand if it were a couple of thousand dollars of discretionary spending. My spouse is taking out significant debt to finance non-essential things I don't value. My need for financial security directly conflicts with their need to spend (finance) big-ticket items I don't value. They believe things will work out, income will continue to grow, and illiquid investments will pay off. I am holding them back, and they are causing me anxiety.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 13:02     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Usually the spender also had other problems. I married one and dated another, but I was able to keep finances separately. Marriage wasn't too long luckily.
One had ADHD, depression, and anxiety, the other one had ASD.


Oh come on, you could just as easily say the saver has other problems like OCD, depression, anxiety, and ASD.


But the "savers problems" are not preventing them from paying the bills or retiring by 65.

Also, plenty of savers do not have any issues, they are just responsible adults. However most over spenders do have other underlying issues that are driving the spending.



Not in DCUM world, the savers tend to be overly controlling and think that someone making 500k is an irresponsible spender if they buy Starbucks at the airport.


if that same "saver" is complaining they cannot afford to pay for their kid's college, then yes they were Not fully responsible. But no, most savers are not the issues.



I'm pp. This is crazy. The choice isn't an occasional Starbucks and paying for college. Also, it is controlling to say it's fine if spouse a coffee at McDonalds or 7/11, but not Starbucks. The extra $2 isn't a make or break. Especially since she said it wasn't a habit.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 12:58     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
I’m the spender. We have an equal discretionary budget each month. No comments as long as I stay within the budget.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 12:56     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A Starbucks drink is profligate? Wow. Gotta tell DH he has to use cheap shampoo not the expensive one.


It is if it's not in your budget to buy daily (or whenever they are buying it)

It all adds up. People like that tend to waste lots and not even realize it.


I never go to Starbucks. Yes, I think buying anything there is a waste of money. Make coffee at home, at the office, or buy it at McDonalds or 7-11. I also buy mostly generic items at the store (not some items like paper towels), and choose where I spend my money. When the kids were little, I'd buy clothes on sale for the next season in what size they'd be then.

Frugal, sure. And while we are probably poor by DCUM standards, we have everything we need and much of what we want. One international family trip per year, visit each kid at their flight-away-from home each semester, and spouse and I also do a US trip just the 2 of us. It works for us

Sounds like us. Starbucks is gross anyway. I make better coffee at home, or if out of the house, there are better places to get a drink.


agreed Starbucks is not good coffee. But it's the mentality of spending $$$ daily for something you can make at home. I live where I can walk to 6+ good coffee shops (not Starbucks) within 2 blocks of my home. Yet I rarely buy coffee out, because I can easily make much better at home (top coffee and top coffee maker) and why would I spend $7+ for a coffee that can be made for $.50 at home and be better?
I know people whose entire family 2 adults and 2-3 kids in MS/HS spend $40+ daily getting Starbucks or the equivalent. That is $1200+ per month. Add in also buying lunch while out and about and you have spent $3K+ per month on something that can be had for $500. Most are unaware of where their money is going



How much a pound is your coffee that costs you 50 cents a cup? Is this a nominal 6 oz cup or the amount you actually drink at a time?
I buy $21 a pound coffee beans, lasts 10 days. I make a big mugful about 14-15 oz a daya day. So technically that's under a dollar a 5-6 oz cup but it's over $2 a day.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 12:55     Subject: If you're a saver married to a spender
Anonymous wrote:I'm a saver, spouse is an impulse spender. Spouse is also older than me (65 and 60), and retired. Able to retire because I am such a good saver and don't blow money on wants - I'm practical and have always spend on needs. And, we would talk budget each year, talk about savings goals, and luckily we were mostly on the same page. Always maxed 401(k) plans at work made it easier - can't spend the money you don't have. I did all the grocery shopping (meal planning, buying in season and on sale), and we discussed any big spending (usually home improvement or travel). Spouse's impulsive spending was usually not big ticket (we're at the airport, need to buy a large Starbucks drink, or we're on vacation and they feel they will never get to buy a fill-in-the-blank again because we won't be back there, or saw some cool gadget that a friend has and wants one). We both agreed early on that either could spend as they want, and anything over $1,000 we needed to discuss with each other first.

I will be retiring in 1-3 years, my choice to work while spouse retired.


You think a person who occasionally buys a Starbucks on vacation is spender? What's the point of living if you can't enjoy a simple pleasure from time to time without being termed a "spender?" Honestly it sounds like you have an unhealthy savings problem.

--not a spender or saver
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2025 12:48     Subject: Re:If you're a saver married to a spender
Use YNAB to reach both goals