Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. You can't change who he is.

2. You can control who comes into your house and when.

3. So you tell him: "Going forward, we cannot welcome you like we've done in the past. This year you cannot come at all. Next year, we'll re-evaluate."

4. If he asks why, you say: "You've been treating our home like a free vacation and made lots of demands, which are very burdensome for us. We are very stressed right now with work and health issues and cannot deal with someone who takes all the times and doesn't even try to support us."

5. Point is: this is a person who cannot understand subtlety. Someone needs to be crystal clear with him.

Holy Cow

The above may be accurate but is over the top rude. Just say--"Unfortunately we can not accomodate your visit this year--as you know we've had health and employment difficulties. We will reach out to see when we can host you at a better time."

+1

But your husband needs a backbone

+2. Behind every bossy wife is a weak husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FIL is obviously a mooch but OP is incredibly disagreeable as well.

It’s only once or twice a year and she could find a million ways to remove herself from the situations she finds annoying, but instead she’s begging for permission to create unnecessary family drama.

What a nasty troll you are. OP and husband have bent over backwards for this man. They have erred in the opposite direction of what you say - by giving into his every whim. Which was a grave mistake because it helped cement his behavior as an acceptable one. Now it's going to be harder to change.

Every day is a new beginning. OP and her husband can begin asserting themselves today.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. You can't change who he is.

2. You can control who comes into your house and when.

3. So you tell him: "Going forward, we cannot welcome you like we've done in the past. This year you cannot come at all. Next year, we'll re-evaluate."

4. If he asks why, you say: "You've been treating our home like a free vacation and made lots of demands, which are very burdensome for us. We are very stressed right now with work and health issues and cannot deal with someone who takes all the times and doesn't even try to support us."

5. Point is: this is a person who cannot understand subtlety. Someone needs to be crystal clear with him.

Op here. I love this energy.

Let me give you an example of what kind of person he is. Our kids were 8 at the time. They had a long day with their grandfather who pretty much ignores them and expects them to be seen and not heard. To reward their good behavior, my husband suggested an ice cream treat. The only ice cream store nearby was incredibly expensive. We told the kids to get only a single scoop (also it was relatively close to dinner, ruined appetites, sugar, etc). They were really disappointed but ordered their single scoop. As we were digging out our credit card, FIL bellied up to the counter and ordered the super sundae which was an obscene price. To our shock he pointed to me and said, I’m with them and waddled away. He sat there and ate the entire sundae by himself in front of my kids. Never offered anyone a bite. And yes, we ended up paying for him too.

That’s on you, ON YOU!
I would have said, NO HE IS NOT.

+10000 You and your DH failed to stand up for yourselves. What are you teaching your children?

Have DH tell him your family is going away for Thanksgiving, so you won’t be able to host him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. You can't change who he is.

2. You can control who comes into your house and when.

3. So you tell him: "Going forward, we cannot welcome you like we've done in the past. This year you cannot come at all. Next year, we'll re-evaluate."

4. If he asks why, you say: "You've been treating our home like a free vacation and made lots of demands, which are very burdensome for us. We are very stressed right now with work and health issues and cannot deal with someone who takes all the times and doesn't even try to support us."

5. Point is: this is a person who cannot understand subtlety. Someone needs to be crystal clear with him.

Op here. I love this energy.

Let me give you an example of what kind of person he is. Our kids were 8 at the time. They had a long day with their grandfather who pretty much ignores them and expects them to be seen and not heard. To reward their good behavior, my husband suggested an ice cream treat. The only ice cream store nearby was incredibly expensive. We told the kids to get only a single scoop (also it was relatively close to dinner, ruined appetites, sugar, etc). They were really disappointed but ordered their single scoop. As we were digging out our credit card, FIL bellied up to the counter and ordered the super sundae which was an obscene price. To our shock he pointed to me and said, I’m with them and waddled away. He sat there and ate the entire sundae by himself in front of my kids. Never offered anyone a bite. And yes, we ended up paying for him too.

That’s on you, ON YOU!
I would have said, NO HE IS NOT.

Anonymous wrote:I think when he announces "I'd like steak for dinner tonight!" DH can say "Oh, we can't afford steak - we're having sandwiches tonight."

FIL: I want to go to Ruth's Chris for dinner tomorrow.
DH: Dad, we're on a budget and not going to restaurants these days. We might order in a pizza for the family on Saturday night and make a salad to go with it though.

FIL: Take me to Whole Foods to get some food.
DH: Dad, I can take you, but here's the $50 in cash we can afford to spend there for you.

This will really drive home that you're not spending much money on him and he's not controlling who does what.

When he rambles on and on about his dating just interrupt when he breaks for a breath and say "Jim that's nice, but before Miles and Jonah go to bed I'd like to hear about their day at school. Jonah, how did your math test go?"

This is excellent. Stop letting him hold your kids hostage!

Anonymous wrote:FIL is obviously a mooch but OP is incredibly disagreeable as well.

It’s only once or twice a year and she could find a million ways to remove herself from the situations she finds annoying, but instead she’s begging for permission to create unnecessary family drama.

What a nasty troll you are. OP and husband have bent over backwards for this man. They have erred in the opposite direction of what you say - by giving into his every whim. Which was a grave mistake because it helped cement his behavior as an acceptable one. Now it's going to be harder to change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. You can't change who he is.

2. You can control who comes into your house and when.

3. So you tell him: "Going forward, we cannot welcome you like we've done in the past. This year you cannot come at all. Next year, we'll re-evaluate."

4. If he asks why, you say: "You've been treating our home like a free vacation and made lots of demands, which are very burdensome for us. We are very stressed right now with work and health issues and cannot deal with someone who takes all the times and doesn't even try to support us."

5. Point is: this is a person who cannot understand subtlety. Someone needs to be crystal clear with him.

Holy Cow

The above may be accurate but is over the top rude. Just say--"Unfortunately we can not accomodate your visit this year--as you know we've had health and employment difficulties. We will reach out to see when we can host you at a better time."

+1

But your husband needs a backbone

Stop asking for his support. You will never get it. He can’t give it.

Stop tolerating the boorish behavior! You and your husband are frozen like deer in the headlights because you don’t want to be rude. Look there is nothing that an unfiltered selfish boomer loves more than younger relatives who won’t stop them because they are afraid of being rude. Gracious manners do not work around people like this.

Call and tell him that you are not hosting him for Thanksgiving. If you are too chicken to stand your ground, tell him you are traveling.

When you do host him, do not take him to any restaurants! Be clear up front that you are budgeting so there will be no restaurant trips. If you do take out, do not ask what he wants. You know from over the years what he will and will not eat. Just order it, take it out of the containers and put it into serving dishes as if you made it. Don’t let him shop at Whole Foods on your dime. You can ask in advance what he might like being clear that you will not be taking him. You can decide what you want from the list.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a joke. Right?

I don't understand people. He's treating you like this because you let him. And your husband is a total loser doormat.

You really need to crowdsource this on DCUM?

Thanks for your kind words. My father in law is still single, you seem to be his type!

Op

Girl. You’re his type. You’re a doormat, a whiny doormat.

He does stuff like this because he gets positive reinforcement.

You should tell him that you can’t host him this Thanksgiving. Period. Done.

No going out to eat during this visit. Pull out the crockpot and throw the chicken in. Keep every meal very boring and simple. If your kids are young, help them bake a brownie mix. Once he leaves, treat the family to a nice dinner.

FIL is obviously a mooch but OP is incredibly disagreeable as well.

It’s only once or twice a year and she could find a million ways to remove herself from the situations she finds annoying, but instead she’s begging for permission to create unnecessary family drama.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is the problem here.

x 1000

your husband needs to handle this.

You have a husband problem, not an FIL problem. You shouldn't say a word (and therefore you won't become the difficult one in the eyes of FIL).

Your husband should tell him your family cannot afford to go to whatever restaurant; your husband should tell him your family cannot afford Whole Foods; etc.