Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you are still in shock but clearly you do not want to go. Sorry for your loss.

Yes, I said clearly that I don’t want to be alone. I want to be at home with my children.

OP you need to go but I think there is no immediate rush. You should go sometime this week. Take a friend or relative if you can. Hugs for your loss.

You will need to clear the apt out. Quicker is better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother, who lived in another city, passed away suddenly today. She was found dead, probably a heart attack.

I have no other family in her area, everyone else had moved away.

My first instinct was that I should go there, but I realize I don’t know why I feel that way. She would want to be cremated, and we will arrange a service up there for her friends, but probably not for a few weeks.

Is there a reason I need to go immediately? No pets and she lived in a rented apartment in independent living.

Is her independent living facility capable of connecting you with affordable services?

Funeral homes will upsell cremation services. Be wary and do some price comparison by phone.

Are your mother's valuables secure?

Will you need to have her living space vacated as of 9/30?

Familiarize yourself with what you need to do to have her death officially reported. You will need to turn off all of her Social Security and pension benefits in a timely fashion or you'll have repayment headaches.

Don't publish an obituary until you have everything under control. In fact, you may not need one. Public notices can tip off fraudsters.

Agree with all this. It’s a lot easier to handle the paperwork mess of death if you are there, in person.

You also need to get a copy of the lease and figure out thingsvwith assisted living. Do you get a deposit back, or does she owe?

OP, do you mean "independent living" as a level of care at a CCRC, or do you mean she lived independently with some hired help? If it's the former, they can walk you through everything (including a least expensive place for a cremation), but it sounds like it's the latter. Is there someone here who could come with you, or is there someone from your mother's church who could meet you? It's an exhausting process mentally, and it can help to have someone who makes sure you're eating, resting, etc

It's late and you should sleep.

After my Dad died suddenly from a heart attack, I also thought I could just stay home with my children.

But I got a plane ticket there the next morning and i actually can't imagine not going now.

Seeing his body was essential to me really processing the death. I screamed and cried and felt myself kind of go to the next stage of grief.

We needed to cremate him pretty quickly (according to our religion). I was back and forth at the funeral home many times arranging that. They wanted a family member to light the fire, and then I needed to pick up the ashes, and then pick up the death certificate. I was physically there many times.

I found a binder in his office with all of this accounts, and I needed to go one by one and call all of the financial institution.


You will never regret going. You may very well regret not going, and you may also find it harder to process the loss.

I'm very very sorry. It feels physically painful to deal with this, but it's a rite of passages, just like giving birth. You'll be glad to be fully present for it.