Anonymous
09/15/2025 08:51
Subject: Default parent vent!
Anonymous wrote:Default parenting never ends, it seems. DH and I have had major career changes in the last year. He was always the main earner, and even though I worked most of the logistics of household and kids fell to me. He resigned this spring, and I took a huge step up in role and responsibility. We're still working on the transition to his being more responsible for the smaller things that he never even knew existed.
This weekend he is on a Scouts camping trip with DS9. He just sent me a text saying that DS did not bring a jacket or anything long-sleeved. He wrote me, "I should have checked." Yes, he should have! Who takes a kid on a weekend camping trip without confirming they have a jacket?! Not to mention that last year on this same camping trip it poured rain, and the jacket DS had was not great...so we bought him a new one that still fits and would be exactly what he needs this weekend.
Honestly, he acknowledged his mistake and admitted that he did the wrong thing. Sure, the best case would have been him checking, but this is second best. I feel like the way a lot of women talk on here, their husbands would have blamed them for not checking/packing the jacket. He made a mistake, let it go. If you harp on this then I think you're being a jerk. I'm a woman, FWIW.
Anonymous
09/15/2025 05:54
Subject: Default parent vent!
OP you have to just let him fail and see what happens. None of these things are that serious.
Anonymous
09/15/2025 05:03
Subject: Default parent vent!
Op you just need to let go. Let him do it his way. None of these things imperil your children. So they don’t have soccer cleats for the first practice, they’ll wear their sneakers. It will all sort out.
This is a family not a business. You don’t get to outsource it AND have it just the way you want. It’ll get done one way or another. The way you are carrying on is really a master class in how to destroy your marriage.
This is a family not a business. You don’t get to outsource it AND have it just the way you want. It’ll get done one way or another. The way you are carrying on is really a master class in how to destroy your marriage.
Anonymous
09/15/2025 00:44
Subject: Default parent vent!
It sounds like you were not the default parent the nanny was and you both are used to having help. You need to work together. He’s trying.
Anonymous
09/15/2025 00:12
Subject: Default parent vent!
Anonymous wrote:OP again. Since the consensus here is that I'm in the wrong, I'm open to advice around what I should be doing differently because I'm at my wit's end.
DH left his job about a year ago, and I've been in my new role for 6 mos. We had a FT nanny until the time DH left his job, and part of why we haven't hired a replacement is that he said he wants to be the person taking care of the kids. But there is not yet a single thing that I feel like I can completely let go of.
For almost 12 years, he went to work and came back as suited his needs, and he never needed to worry about whether kids were fed, picked up, cared for, etc. He informed me of work trips or dinners, and I accommodated. If I had a work trip, I worked with the nanny and other babysitters to ensure coverage around his work schedule.
I'm not even that resentful of it all. He set us up well financially. We could afford FT help, and I've told him why not enjoy this early retirement, even if it's only for a year or two, and let someone else handle things. I've finally had to hire someone PT, because I need someone to help me with my errands and kids now have different pick up times and activities...and DH is kind of complain-y about it.
At the end of the day, stuff just needs to get done. Forms need to be signed, kids need the gear for their activities, parent-teacher conferences need to be scheduled etc. Our kids are more self-sufficient than a lot, but they are still kids and need help and reminders. I'm new in my job, and I work 10-12/hr days.
I have tried to follow all the DCUM advice. I don't comment when we end up eating pizza 3d/week because DH doesn't have a dinner plan (though even DD is now complaining). I handle it and say nothing when I get a phone call from school that DS forgot his lunch and is upset because he can't eat the ham sandwich they are offering him (for religious reasons). I run the laundry when I notice that DH forgot after asking the kids to put it in the washer. I'm doing what I can to ease this transition. But when DH forgets something that we both agree is important and would never compromise for himself (and wilderness safety is something we are 100% aligned around), it just feels like he still hasn't absorbed the responsibility of thinking about anyone's needs but his own.
I think you need to sit down with him and really have a come to Jesus conversation about how you need to have systems of organization to run a household in the same way that you have to have systems of organization to operate in your job.
Anonymous
09/15/2025 00:10
Subject: Default parent vent!
Anonymous wrote:I would never trust my husband to pack for the kids. There are some things that are better left to the person who can do the job.
I started teaching my children how to pack as soon as they could count. Now my 10-year-old can pretty much pack for anything as long as she knows how many nights we're going to be staying. I usually look over what she's packed but she's pretty competent.. this idea that a grown adult can't do something is ludicrous
Anonymous
09/14/2025 18:54
Subject: Default parent vent!
OP again. Since the consensus here is that I'm in the wrong, I'm open to advice around what I should be doing differently because I'm at my wit's end.
DH left his job about a year ago, and I've been in my new role for 6 mos. We had a FT nanny until the time DH left his job, and part of why we haven't hired a replacement is that he said he wants to be the person taking care of the kids. But there is not yet a single thing that I feel like I can completely let go of.
For almost 12 years, he went to work and came back as suited his needs, and he never needed to worry about whether kids were fed, picked up, cared for, etc. He informed me of work trips or dinners, and I accommodated. If I had a work trip, I worked with the nanny and other babysitters to ensure coverage around his work schedule.
I'm not even that resentful of it all. He set us up well financially. We could afford FT help, and I've told him why not enjoy this early retirement, even if it's only for a year or two, and let someone else handle things. I've finally had to hire someone PT, because I need someone to help me with my errands and kids now have different pick up times and activities...and DH is kind of complain-y about it.
At the end of the day, stuff just needs to get done. Forms need to be signed, kids need the gear for their activities, parent-teacher conferences need to be scheduled etc. Our kids are more self-sufficient than a lot, but they are still kids and need help and reminders. I'm new in my job, and I work 10-12/hr days.
I have tried to follow all the DCUM advice. I don't comment when we end up eating pizza 3d/week because DH doesn't have a dinner plan (though even DD is now complaining). I handle it and say nothing when I get a phone call from school that DS forgot his lunch and is upset because he can't eat the ham sandwich they are offering him (for religious reasons). I run the laundry when I notice that DH forgot after asking the kids to put it in the washer. I'm doing what I can to ease this transition. But when DH forgets something that we both agree is important and would never compromise for himself (and wilderness safety is something we are 100% aligned around), it just feels like he still hasn't absorbed the responsibility of thinking about anyone's needs but his own.
DH left his job about a year ago, and I've been in my new role for 6 mos. We had a FT nanny until the time DH left his job, and part of why we haven't hired a replacement is that he said he wants to be the person taking care of the kids. But there is not yet a single thing that I feel like I can completely let go of.
For almost 12 years, he went to work and came back as suited his needs, and he never needed to worry about whether kids were fed, picked up, cared for, etc. He informed me of work trips or dinners, and I accommodated. If I had a work trip, I worked with the nanny and other babysitters to ensure coverage around his work schedule.
I'm not even that resentful of it all. He set us up well financially. We could afford FT help, and I've told him why not enjoy this early retirement, even if it's only for a year or two, and let someone else handle things. I've finally had to hire someone PT, because I need someone to help me with my errands and kids now have different pick up times and activities...and DH is kind of complain-y about it.
At the end of the day, stuff just needs to get done. Forms need to be signed, kids need the gear for their activities, parent-teacher conferences need to be scheduled etc. Our kids are more self-sufficient than a lot, but they are still kids and need help and reminders. I'm new in my job, and I work 10-12/hr days.
I have tried to follow all the DCUM advice. I don't comment when we end up eating pizza 3d/week because DH doesn't have a dinner plan (though even DD is now complaining). I handle it and say nothing when I get a phone call from school that DS forgot his lunch and is upset because he can't eat the ham sandwich they are offering him (for religious reasons). I run the laundry when I notice that DH forgot after asking the kids to put it in the washer. I'm doing what I can to ease this transition. But when DH forgets something that we both agree is important and would never compromise for himself (and wilderness safety is something we are 100% aligned around), it just feels like he still hasn't absorbed the responsibility of thinking about anyone's needs but his own.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 15:18
Subject: Default parent vent!
Anonymous wrote:I would never trust my husband to pack for the kids. There are some things that are better left to the person who can do the job.
Yikes!
Anonymous
09/14/2025 15:15
Subject: Default parent vent!
Anonymous wrote:He’s your husband. What do you want us to tell you? I divorced an incompetent one. Do that, or take this up with your husband.
This.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 14:11
Subject: Default parent vent!
Anonymous wrote:OP here. These responses are all pretty wild and not at all what I expected. I'm sure I'll get further flamed, but a few things:
- I haven't done anything other than post here. I did not respond to DH's text at all. He called me to check in, because he happened to have phone reception.
- DS was involved and packed his own stuff. I think it's reasonable to check to make sure that a 9 y.o. has packed correctly before leaving on a trip.
- We're in the process of transitioning default parenting to DH. I work FT at a very demanding job now, and DH consults ~10hr/week. When I handled all the household and kid stuff, I also worked FT.
- The reason this is so concerning to me is that it's a camping trip, and it is a big deal to forget an essential item (which warm clothing counts as). DH knows this. He wants to start taking our older kid backcountry skiing this winter, which has the added complexity of managing avalanche safety. I trust DH to be able to teach our kids what they need to know when they our out on the mountain, but right now I don't feel like I can trust him to ensure they set out with the right gear...which means either this is going to be on me or I'm going to be the bad guy who has to say no.
- I'm home this weekend with DD who has her first GS meeting of the year. They need a bunch of forms, and I even reminded DH to fill them out before he left. Of course, he didn't.
You should have double checked. I would have done the same day Walmart delivery to get my kid clothes.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 14:09
Subject: Default parent vent!
Anonymous wrote:I would never trust my husband to pack for the kids. There are some things that are better left to the person who can do the job.
You have made his weaponized incompetence dreams come true. Gotta wonder what the kids think?
Anonymous
09/14/2025 13:28
Subject: Default parent vent!
This is not a big deal. A jacket for overnight camping in the mid-Atlantic in mid-Sept is a nice-to-have, not essential.
It’s a learning opportunity for ALL of you.
And there actually are alternatives to you having to do it all or say no. Jeez. If you are working such a big important job, you should be able to figure this out.
Unless, of course, you just want to have a reason to vent.
It’s a learning opportunity for ALL of you.
And there actually are alternatives to you having to do it all or say no. Jeez. If you are working such a big important job, you should be able to figure this out.
Unless, of course, you just want to have a reason to vent.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 13:24
Subject: Re:Default parent vent!
I am also the default parent. We are also in a transition since DH was laid off and I took on longer hours/more responsibility to fill the gaps. Has it been perfect, no. Was I always perfect as a default parent, no. I have lists and systems and calendars etc. and I consider myself pretty organized and systematic, but I've forgotten to pack essentials before because as I'm sure you know, the mental load as default parent is intense. My brain can only hold so much. Unless you feel like your husband is a horrible, incompetent husband who is truly putting your children in danger...he'll be fine without a coat, husband gave him his own long sleeved shirt, right? Likely a lesson learned from that mistake for both your child and husband. Just cut him some slack, and when he feels your frustration, hopefully he can cut you some slack too, transitions are hard. Maybe consider a little scaffolding to make the transition go smoother...did you make a list for DS when he packed? Did you tell DH to make a list? Did you tell him to check DS's bag? If yes and he didn't, that's on them and having no jacket seems like a logical consequence. Trust me when I say that I understand how hard this transition can be but if it's going to work, you have to work as a team. Hopefully the next big thing will go smoother.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 13:18
Subject: Default parent vent!
“Next time make a list and check it off.” That’s all there is to be said.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 12:59
Subject: Default parent vent!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. These responses are all pretty wild and not at all what I expected. I'm sure I'll get further flamed, but a few things:
- I haven't done anything other than post here. I did not respond to DH's text at all. He called me to check in, because he happened to have phone reception.
- DS was involved and packed his own stuff. I think it's reasonable to check to make sure that a 9 y.o. has packed correctly before leaving on a trip.
- We're in the process of transitioning default parenting to DH. I work FT at a very demanding job now, and DH consults ~10hr/week. When I handled all the household and kid stuff, I also worked FT.
- The reason this is so concerning to me is that it's a camping trip, and it is a big deal to forget an essential item (which warm clothing counts as). DH knows this. He wants to start taking our older kid backcountry skiing this winter, which has the added complexity of managing avalanche safety. I trust DH to be able to teach our kids what they need to know when they our out on the mountain, but right now I don't feel like I can trust him to ensure they set out with the right gear...which means either this is going to be on me or I'm going to be the bad guy who has to say no.
- I'm home this weekend with DD who has her first GS meeting of the year. They need a bunch of forms, and I even reminded DH to fill them out before he left. Of course, he didn't.
Of course.
“Why isn’t he perfect yet?? I was when I started!!”
Yeah, the more OP posts the more of a nightmare she sounds like. She has control issues and overreacts.