I think baseline decent (or better) parenting plus parents who themselves have good qualities produces the best kids.

Yes. First, I feel incredibly lucky I simply have three heathy kids that are neurologically normal. That alone is like winning the jackpot.

But they are all different from there. Each have their own strengths. All are well mannered with no behavioral issues. Two are extremely academically gifted, the third is more average/above average. But I’m friends with many women I consider excellent parents and have observed over several yrs now. Some of them have very difficult children. I’m convinced it is mostly just how their kids are wired.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I disagree. A lot can be done if you take away the junk “food” products, excess sugar, and screens. DH jokes that I’m an Amish mom, but we saw a huge behavioral shift once we cut these things completely out for awhile.

You can disagree but it’s extremely well researched and established. Read the book.

Does not account for screens and social media. Things have changed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I disagree. A lot can be done if you take away the junk “food” products, excess sugar, and screens. DH jokes that I’m an Amish mom, but we saw a huge behavioral shift once we cut these things completely out for awhile.

This isn’t true for all kids and sometimes can have the opposite effect when they rebel and start having lots of secrecy to hide things from you (trust me, I’m a psychologist and I’ve seen this happen A LOT).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so...how much is family culture, nature vs nurture, community, luck, SES?

All of this stuff matters a lot more when you have kids with challenges.

Intelligent, attractive, hardworking kids who make friends easily do well in a lot of environments.

Kids who struggle really benefit from a structured environment, authoritative and flexible parenting, parents who can afford therapy, a school with a good special education program and extra curricular activities, etc.

This is a really good take. I have kids who have LD/ADHD and social challenges. It sucks. Meanwhile our community is full of parents whose kids won the genetic lottery and they are very self congratulatory. We do the same enrichment, organic diet, good schools, support, play dates, blah blah as all the other parents, but nature can't trump nurture in our case. My kids are good kids, polite, respectfully, funny. So they are "great kids" but probably not how OP meant that term.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

Published in 98? I’d be curious to see what changes in this theory given how much tech we have now.

There are updated versions, but the science doesn’t change.

A fascinating example is first generation immigrant kids who code switch - you can immerse your child in your home culture, but they almost without exception turn out as a reflection of their American peers. They can come home and play the part, but it’s not the key factor in their development.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I know is my kids are better than yours.

And I’ll tell you about it at length.

There very little you can do as parents - it’s their peer group that matters.

Parents can curate their peer group though. We did just that by placing ours at a top school where their peers compete on how many books they've read and not on makeup, boyfriends and Lululemon.

Correct, that’s about all you can do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I disagree. A lot can be done if you take away the junk “food” products, excess sugar, and screens. DH jokes that I’m an Amish mom, but we saw a huge behavioral shift once we cut these things completely out for awhile.

You can disagree but it’s extremely well researched and established. Read the book.

It’s both.

My child is donor conceived and while all I wanted was to be a mom, I did get quite a bit of choice in the other 50% of genetics. I picked someone who was a good balance to my traits and I really see that shine through now in my very well-rounded child.

At the same time, I think the most important decision I made as a parent is the school. My child is growing up with a peer group that is a good influence on them and I have parents by my side who share our values.

But I also think any child has a tipping point. The precocious child can become clever at avoiding parent’s involvement. A gifted child can be twice exceptional and have challenges that come with that. So I really see parenting as just a do your best and hope for the best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I disagree. A lot can be done if you take away the junk “food” products, excess sugar, and screens. DH jokes that I’m an Amish mom, but we saw a huge behavioral shift once we cut these things completely out for awhile.

Ultimately, those decisions will be up to your child, not you.

Parenting only matters if your child missed serious mental illness. I had a normal-path kid until schizophrenia started in early adulthood. You never know when and how your grown kids can struggle.

Anonymous wrote:All I know is my kids are better than yours.

And I’ll tell you about it at length.

There very little you can do as parents - it’s their peer group that matters.

Parents can curate their peer group though. We did just that by placing ours at a top school where their peers compete on how many books they've read and not on makeup, boyfriends and Lululemon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so...how much is family culture, nature vs nurture, community, luck, SES?

What makes your kids great IYO?

Age, gender and birth order of your kids.

2 boys, 26 and 23. If I’m being absolutely honest, it’s genetics. Both DH and I were great kids, and so were our siblings. Our parents were also great kids. This made it easy for us to just do what our own parents did to raise us.

Sure.

Anonymous wrote:If so...how much is family culture, nature vs nurture, community, luck, SES?

What makes your kids great IYO?

Age, gender and birth order of your kids.

2 boys, 26 and 23. If I’m being absolutely honest, it’s genetics. Both DH and I were great kids, and so were our siblings. Our parents were also great kids. This made it easy for us to just do what our own parents did to raise us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I disagree. A lot can be done if you take away the junk “food” products, excess sugar, and screens. DH jokes that I’m an Amish mom, but we saw a huge behavioral shift once we cut these things completely out for awhile.

What if your child loves his video games, internet, Gatorade and sugar snacks and has zero behavioral issues? Does very well in school, with friends, with grown ups, really just a great kid? That describes a large percentage of kids.