OP are your parents in law planning to contribute financially to this wedding?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate weddings like this. Long divorced parents can't bring their significant others. No kids, no exceptions. Don't bring your same sex partner. Mixed race couple? You can come but we're seating you with some random co-workers and long lost cousins in the hallway.

It's their day and they can invite or exclude whoever they want but many of us enjoy weddings where there's love and generosity of spirit.

Where was the love and generosity of spirit when it came time to traumatize BIL by breaking up his childhood home?

Generosity of spirit in this case is about recognizing that the choices of the parents had an adverse affect on their child, and that the parents can live with the consequences of the choice they made. Now that he’s marrying there’s going to be a lot of situations where they will get to live the consequences of their choices, like getting 1/3 Christmas instead of 1/2, etc.

I guess you think it's better for someone to spend the rest of their life with a spouse who denigrates and dismisses them, cheats on them, hides money, and doesn't bother to spend any quality time with the kids.

THAT is much better than getting a divorce, I suppose. Because hey, guess what?!! You might get to sit next to that same pathetic excuse for a spouse at your kids' weddings some day!

Whee! Sign me up for that choice...

No?

I think — and it’s pretty well documented— that divorce is a major trauma for children. It can be done for all the right reasons and be ultimately the right decision and it will still be traumatic.

So if your child, now an adult, still has issues by the time they’re getting married, the parents who made the choice to divorce get to experience one of the obvious consequences of that choice and have to sit at a table with people they may not have preferred to for an event lasting up to six hours. I’m sorry that seems so unfair to you.

Agree with the others who think you sound like an idiot. Of course divorce is hard and has consequences (my parents divorced, so I’m familiar). Also living with unhappy parents is hard and has consequences. However, it is certainly not an *obvious* consequence that > decade after a divorce one of the kids would grow up and be so extraordinarily rude and disrespectful to his parents. Look at all the posters saying how wrong the BIL was. And if the parents had been terribly abusive to justify this behavior, I’m sure OP would know and would have said so.

Oh yes because of that well documented phenomenon of telling your sister in law about your childhood trauma

Team parents! What a load of nonsense. Both parents should be able to invite whoever they want assuming they are unlikely to make a spectacle of themselves by being grossly inappropriate in their actions. I can one up them…my FIL (of course brought his wife of one year) to our wedding and my MIL brought TWO plus ones because she wasn’t serious with either, but long term friends with both. Guess what? Shortly after she did get serious with one of them and they’ve been together now for about 15 years. DH and I have been married for 18years, together for 22years. His parents divorced (messily) when he was 13yo….and then everyone….grew up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate weddings like this. Long divorced parents can't bring their significant others. No kids, no exceptions. Don't bring your same sex partner. Mixed race couple? You can come but we're seating you with some random co-workers and long lost cousins in the hallway.

It's their day and they can invite or exclude whoever they want but many of us enjoy weddings where there's love and generosity of spirit.

Where was the love and generosity of spirit when it came time to traumatize BIL by breaking up his childhood home?

Generosity of spirit in this case is about recognizing that the choices of the parents had an adverse affect on their child, and that the parents can live with the consequences of the choice they made. Now that he’s marrying there’s going to be a lot of situations where they will get to live the consequences of their choices, like getting 1/3 Christmas instead of 1/2, etc.

I guess you think it's better for someone to spend the rest of their life with a spouse who denigrates and dismisses them, cheats on them, hides money, and doesn't bother to spend any quality time with the kids.

THAT is much better than getting a divorce, I suppose. Because hey, guess what?!! You might get to sit next to that same pathetic excuse for a spouse at your kids' weddings some day!

Whee! Sign me up for that choice...

No?

I think — and it’s pretty well documented— that divorce is a major trauma for children. It can be done for all the right reasons and be ultimately the right decision and it will still be traumatic.

So if your child, now an adult, still has issues by the time they’re getting married, the parents who made the choice to divorce get to experience one of the obvious consequences of that choice and have to sit at a table with people they may not have preferred to for an event lasting up to six hours. I’m sorry that seems so unfair to you.

Agree with the others who think you sound like an idiot. Of course divorce is hard and has consequences (my parents divorced, so I’m familiar). Also living with unhappy parents is hard and has consequences. However, it is certainly not an *obvious* consequence that > decade after a divorce one of the kids would grow up and be so extraordinarily rude and disrespectful to his parents. Look at all the posters saying how wrong the BIL was. And if the parents had been terribly abusive to justify this behavior, I’m sure OP would know and would have said so.

OP: I'd be interested in hearing more about why BIL is on bad terms with the parents and has zero relationship with the step parents. And how old was he when his parents got divorced?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those weird things where, yeah, the BIL should technically give them a plus one, but the parents should also respect their child's wishes so he wouldn't be in this dilemma.

Don't agree. If the adult groom cannot respect other's relationships, including his parents, then there is no reason to celebrate his.

And "technically" it is the epitome of bad etiquette to purposely exclude someone's spouse. The groom needs to be asked if it's OK to purposely exclude HIS wife from all future family events. How will that go over?

That was the point of my post? The BIL should give them a plus one, you kind of can't NOT do that, but at the same time, the parents should be the bigger people and do the right thing. It's his day, and clearly they failed at helping cultivating a relationship between their partners and BIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate weddings like this. Long divorced parents can't bring their significant others. No kids, no exceptions. Don't bring your same sex partner. Mixed race couple? You can come but we're seating you with some random co-workers and long lost cousins in the hallway.

It's their day and they can invite or exclude whoever they want but many of us enjoy weddings where there's love and generosity of spirit.

Where was the love and generosity of spirit when it came time to traumatize BIL by breaking up his childhood home?

Generosity of spirit in this case is about recognizing that the choices of the parents had an adverse affect on their child, and that the parents can live with the consequences of the choice they made. Now that he’s marrying there’s going to be a lot of situations where they will get to live the consequences of their choices, like getting 1/3 Christmas instead of 1/2, etc.

I guess you think it's better for someone to spend the rest of their life with a spouse who denigrates and dismisses them, cheats on them, hides money, and doesn't bother to spend any quality time with the kids.

THAT is much better than getting a divorce, I suppose. Because hey, guess what?!! You might get to sit next to that same pathetic excuse for a spouse at your kids' weddings some day!

Whee! Sign me up for that choice...

No?

I think — and it’s pretty well documented— that divorce is a major trauma for children. It can be done for all the right reasons and be ultimately the right decision and it will still be traumatic.

So if your child, now an adult, still has issues by the time they’re getting married, the parents who made the choice to divorce get to experience one of the obvious consequences of that choice and have to sit at a table with people they may not have preferred to for an event lasting up to six hours. I’m sorry that seems so unfair to you.

Grow up, PP. You sound ridiculous.

+ A Million.

Or should I say millions. Because that's how many people are children of divorce and have had NO "trauma" which lasts them well into adulthood. Not just here in the US but around the world.

I would say that for some people (perhaps PP?) if being the adult child of divorce is still "traumatic" and "unfair" then they have no clue how the vast majority of the world lives. And are missing fundamental human resiliency which most adults have.

No I’m the child of a 50 year marriage that ended in my mother’s death, married to the child of a 50+ year marriage which will likely end in mu FIK’s death.

But since we have doctors in the family who read and discuss long term studies on the impact of divorce on children, i have to tell you the vast majority of humans are not children of divorce and that there is quantitative data about the impacts of those who are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate weddings like this. Long divorced parents can't bring their significant others. No kids, no exceptions. Don't bring your same sex partner. Mixed race couple? You can come but we're seating you with some random co-workers and long lost cousins in the hallway.

It's their day and they can invite or exclude whoever they want but many of us enjoy weddings where there's love and generosity of spirit.

Where was the love and generosity of spirit when it came time to traumatize BIL by breaking up his childhood home?

Generosity of spirit in this case is about recognizing that the choices of the parents had an adverse affect on their child, and that the parents can live with the consequences of the choice they made. Now that he’s marrying there’s going to be a lot of situations where they will get to live the consequences of their choices, like getting 1/3 Christmas instead of 1/2, etc.

I guess you think it's better for someone to spend the rest of their life with a spouse who denigrates and dismisses them, cheats on them, hides money, and doesn't bother to spend any quality time with the kids.

THAT is much better than getting a divorce, I suppose. Because hey, guess what?!! You might get to sit next to that same pathetic excuse for a spouse at your kids' weddings some day!

Whee! Sign me up for that choice...

No?

I think — and it’s pretty well documented— that divorce is a major trauma for children. It can be done for all the right reasons and be ultimately the right decision and it will still be traumatic.

So if your child, now an adult, still has issues by the time they’re getting married, the parents who made the choice to divorce get to experience one of the obvious consequences of that choice and have to sit at a table with people they may not have preferred to for an event lasting up to six hours. I’m sorry that seems so unfair to you.

Grow up, PP. You sound ridiculous.

+ A Million.

Or should I say millions. Because that's how many people are children of divorce and have had NO "trauma" which lasts them well into adulthood. Not just here in the US but around the world.

I would say that for some people (perhaps PP?) if being the adult child of divorce is still "traumatic" and "unfair" then they have no clue how the vast majority of the world lives. And are missing fundamental human resiliency which most adults have.

BIL is so messed up marriage won't last long anyway.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate weddings like this. Long divorced parents can't bring their significant others. No kids, no exceptions. Don't bring your same sex partner. Mixed race couple? You can come but we're seating you with some random co-workers and long lost cousins in the hallway.

It's their day and they can invite or exclude whoever they want but many of us enjoy weddings where there's love and generosity of spirit.

Where was the love and generosity of spirit when it came time to traumatize BIL by breaking up his childhood home?

Generosity of spirit in this case is about recognizing that the choices of the parents had an adverse affect on their child, and that the parents can live with the consequences of the choice they made. Now that he’s marrying there’s going to be a lot of situations where they will get to live the consequences of their choices, like getting 1/3 Christmas instead of 1/2, etc.

I guess you think it's better for someone to spend the rest of their life with a spouse who denigrates and dismisses them, cheats on them, hides money, and doesn't bother to spend any quality time with the kids.

THAT is much better than getting a divorce, I suppose. Because hey, guess what?!! You might get to sit next to that same pathetic excuse for a spouse at your kids' weddings some day!

Whee! Sign me up for that choice...

No?

I think — and it’s pretty well documented— that divorce is a major trauma for children. It can be done for all the right reasons and be ultimately the right decision and it will still be traumatic.

So if your child, now an adult, still has issues by the time they’re getting married, the parents who made the choice to divorce get to experience one of the obvious consequences of that choice and have to sit at a table with people they may not have preferred to for an event lasting up to six hours. I’m sorry that seems so unfair to you.

Grow up, PP. You sound ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate weddings like this. Long divorced parents can't bring their significant others. No kids, no exceptions. Don't bring your same sex partner. Mixed race couple? You can come but we're seating you with some random co-workers and long lost cousins in the hallway.

It's their day and they can invite or exclude whoever they want but many of us enjoy weddings where there's love and generosity of spirit.

Where was the love and generosity of spirit when it came time to traumatize BIL by breaking up his childhood home?

Generosity of spirit in this case is about recognizing that the choices of the parents had an adverse affect on their child, and that the parents can live with the consequences of the choice they made. Now that he’s marrying there’s going to be a lot of situations where they will get to live the consequences of their choices, like getting 1/3 Christmas instead of 1/2, etc.

I guess you think it's better for someone to spend the rest of their life with a spouse who denigrates and dismisses them, cheats on them, hides money, and doesn't bother to spend any quality time with the kids.

THAT is much better than getting a divorce, I suppose. Because hey, guess what?!! You might get to sit next to that same pathetic excuse for a spouse at your kids' weddings some day!

Whee! Sign me up for that choice...

No?

I think — and it’s pretty well documented— that divorce is a major trauma for children. It can be done for all the right reasons and be ultimately the right decision and it will still be traumatic.

So if your child, now an adult, still has issues by the time they’re getting married, the parents who made the choice to divorce get to experience one of the obvious consequences of that choice and have to sit at a table with people they may not have preferred to for an event lasting up to six hours. I’m sorry that seems so unfair to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate weddings like this. Long divorced parents can't bring their significant others. No kids, no exceptions. Don't bring your same sex partner. Mixed race couple? You can come but we're seating you with some random co-workers and long lost cousins in the hallway.

It's their day and they can invite or exclude whoever they want but many of us enjoy weddings where there's love and generosity of spirit.

Where was the love and generosity of spirit when it came time to traumatize BIL by breaking up his childhood home?

Generosity of spirit in this case is about recognizing that the choices of the parents had an adverse affect on their child, and that the parents can live with the consequences of the choice they made. Now that he’s marrying there’s going to be a lot of situations where they will get to live the consequences of their choices, like getting 1/3 Christmas instead of 1/2, etc.

I guess you think it's better for someone to spend the rest of their life with a spouse who denigrates and dismisses them, cheats on them, hides money, and doesn't bother to spend any quality time with the kids.

THAT is much better than getting a divorce, I suppose. Because hey, guess what?!! You might get to sit next to that same pathetic excuse for a spouse at your kids' weddings some day!

Whee! Sign me up for that choice...

Anonymous wrote:I hate weddings like this. Long divorced parents can't bring their significant others. No kids, no exceptions. Don't bring your same sex partner. Mixed race couple? You can come but we're seating you with some random co-workers and long lost cousins in the hallway.

It's their day and they can invite or exclude whoever they want but many of us enjoy weddings where there's love and generosity of spirit.

Where was the love and generosity of spirit when it came time to traumatize BIL by breaking up his childhood home?

Generosity of spirit in this case is about recognizing that the choices of the parents had an adverse affect on their child, and that the parents can live with the consequences of the choice they made. Now that he’s marrying there’s going to be a lot of situations where they will get to live the consequences of their choices, like getting 1/3 Christmas instead of 1/2, etc.

I hate weddings like this. Long divorced parents can't bring their significant others. No kids, no exceptions. Don't bring your same sex partner. Mixed race couple? You can come but we're seating you with some random co-workers and long lost cousins in the hallway.

It's their day and they can invite or exclude whoever they want but many of us enjoy weddings where there's love and generosity of spirit.