I would’ve only had one kid. I grew up the child of divorce and my mom made it perfectly clear to me that “A man is not a plan.” I’m thankful for that lesson because I’ve been a single mom for 20 years. The early years were the hardest when my salary was the lowest. It’s is also difficult now with college costs rising every year. Gotta run to work now but I’ll try or of my advice later.

When people say abusive I have no idea what they are talking about. Verbally abusive twice a month when they are home in between travel? Or you have a black eye from him punching you? Also what are these jobs that pay this much and the person is around enough to be abusive? If your kids are not out of the house I would do what I could to stay bar anyone's safety physically.

Anonymous wrote:I know so many people with 2-3 kids in 1-2 bedroom. Kids love it!

When I was a kid we had 4 kids, 3 adults living in a 3 bedroom, 1 bath house. It was fine. People are spoiled now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Spouse makes $450k, but bc of his abuse I don’t want to rely on him for necessities like a mortgage. I’m sure he’ll be ordered to pay child support.

Can I really not move 30 minutes away? I’d have to to be able to afford something.

Whoa... I don't understand what you're worried about. With that kind of income, you'll have plenty of money coming in from him.

You're being ridiculous.

This dude is going to get hosed. What does the child support calculator say?

Anonymous wrote:You should talk to a divorce attorney about what to expect to receive financially, and then make a plan based on that. Ask for help from relatives for temporary living arrangements or child care during the transition if possible. If there is abuse get out.

+1. My parents stayed together because they couldn't afford to divorce, but there was no abuse. You need to prioritize getting out of an abusive relationship over the material things. You'll have to compromise on housing to get something more affordable. Is the daycare for 2 kids? How much longer? If they are at an expensive center start looking for smaller in-home options.

Anonymous wrote:Your QOL goes down. A lot. And probably permanently. I’m not saying this to discourage you, but it’s just the fact, and not just in this area.

You actually don’t need 3 bedrooms. That’s a level of QOL that not all families enjoy.

That is quite the generalization which is far from always true.

Financial resources go down initially yes.

But in many case QOL goes up.

And many people go on to remarry much more financially successful second spouses after leaving the abusive jerk first spouse.

Anonymous wrote:You should talk to a divorce attorney about what to expect to receive financially, and then make a plan based on that. Ask for help from relatives for temporary living arrangements or child care during the transition if possible. If there is abuse get out.

This, OP!

OP, could you contact a social worker or even go to your local police department and have them point you in the right direction? You need support to make your move.

First, go to counseling and try to turn it around
Presumably, he wasn’t abusive when you were dating and first married. Maybe he can improve, because…
Divorce is the single worst financial decision you can ever make in your life. Net worth is cut in half and expenses are doubled.

You should talk to a divorce attorney about what to expect to receive financially, and then make a plan based on that. Ask for help from relatives for temporary living arrangements or child care during the transition if possible. If there is abuse get out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your QOL goes down. A lot. And probably permanently. I’m not saying this to discourage you, but it’s just the fact, and not just in this area.

You actually don’t need 3 bedrooms. That’s a level of QOL that not all families enjoy.

I think you fail to account for how much one’s mental health and overall well being can return/thrive when free of an abusive or addiction laden marriage.

I’m not failing to account for it, I’m explaining how you afford it. Which is by cutting back on QOL things like the # of bedrooms that feels “necessary.”

But you’re not accounting for the long term financial benefit of health and safety and wellbeing. So when you say ones QOL goes down, “probably permanently” I think you’re being pretty bold. I think staying alive and healthy is a lot better than staying in a 4 br home with an abuser. So I’d weigh that into my decision of what I could afford, were I mathing this for myself.

You’re trying to read in something I’m not saying. I won’t speculate as to why, but it’s very obvious what you’re trying to make me have said is not what I said.

You wrote- plainly that OP would “probably permanently” have a decreased QOL. I think that’s an awful, discouraging message to give any woman in an abusive situation- especially one who is in an “escalating” abuse situation.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Spouse makes $450k, but bc of his abuse I don’t want to rely on him for necessities like a mortgage. I’m sure he’ll be ordered to pay child support.

Can I really not move 30 minutes away? I’d have to to be able to afford something.

Whoa... I don't understand what you're worried about. With that kind of income, you'll have plenty of money coming in from him.

You're being ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:I make $115k. Daycare alone is $4200 a month, our mortgage is $5500 - clearly would have to sell but even a much smaller house/less desirable schools is nearly that amount. With three kids need at least 3 bedrooms. I can’t see how it’s feasible. Abusive relationship, have been sticking it out but it’s getting worse.

That's why we're staying together, but we basically live separate lives. No abuse, though.

Anonymous wrote:I make $115k. Daycare alone is $4200 a month, our mortgage is $5500 - clearly would have to sell but even a much smaller house/less desirable schools is nearly that amount. With three kids need at least 3 bedrooms. I can’t see how it’s feasible. Abusive relationship, have been sticking it out but it’s getting worse.

Please leave him. I say this as an adult child whose mother stayed.

What are the assets you’ll be splitting? What is the equity in your house? These amounts may be needed to supplement your finances until the kids are out of daycare and you find a way to rapidly increase your salary. Saving for retirement or fun activities may not be possible at this time.

If you’re paying $4200 for daycare then the kids are young enough that they can share rooms regardless of gender. You look for a 2 bed or large 1 bed that can fit a bunk bed + a twin. You’re not buying another house at this time on your salary.

You can get an idea of the child support you’ll get from your ex using your state’s child support calculator.

At the end of the day your kids don’t deserve to live in an abusive situation. People raise families of your size on much less in this area. Figure it out quickly and get your kids out of the trauma they are living with.