Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it feels simpler for the people in it, but it can make life more complicated for everyone else. It's not a do-over.

Not so much a do-over-- we're not having kids or anything-- but definitely a second chance at happiness. Not sure where "everyone else" comes into that.

The other humans in your family! Your children if you have them. Anyone else who has to interact with your new partner. It's not necessarily simpler for them.

Ah. Perhaps you are assuming that that wasn't part of the initial qualifications. But "must get along with my grown children" was absolutely at the top of the list. I know there are people who don't consider this a dealbreaker, but for me, I wouldn't even go on a second date with someone who wasn't good enough to have a pleasant meal with my kids.

And I don't give a tiny rat's ass what anyone else thinks of my second chapter. That's the whole point.

But see, liking or getting along with someone doesn't mean life is simpler with them in it. I like my stepsiblings just fine, for example, but all of our family occasions now need to be planned with them and their spouses and children taken into account. I'm fine with this, but it's not simpler. Not for them either.

And you need to be the one taking everyone into account right? Wrong. Here's the dirty little secret: no one will die if you don't do all the things. Either someone will step up, or they won't, but it doesn't have to be you. Maybe you love it! I did, for years. I felt like the glue; essential. But when the complete lack of respect for me as a person became impossible to ignore, I resigned from the role of planner/ executor/ errand fairy/ trauma dumpster, and no one died.

Now there's someone asking what he can do for me, how he can take care of me, what I need. Not giving me a laundry list of what he needs from me. After years of being the wife/ mother/ daughter/ daughter-in-law, it's downright intoxicating. My kids love seeing it, and I actually think it's been a good object lesson for them. You need to take care of the people who take care of you. You have the right to be taken care of.

But you still want everyone to accommodate your remarriage, right?

How would it need to be accommodated? Do I want a +1 on wedding invites? Yes. (Same as if my first husband were still in the picture.) Might he decide to pass on the wedding? Sure! Do I expect the family reunion to be relocated because my husband doesn't like the beach? Of course not. I do what I want to do and he does what he wants to do and where there is the option and the desire to do it together, that's awesome.

Well, for my own mother, it means that we can only visit her when his children are not visiting, because there isn't room for both families at once. So I have to accommodate that schedule. Just one example. I also have to accommodate that she's going to always want what we do, and the food we eat, and generally everything be to his liking, which is honestly pretty picky and limited. I put up with this because I love my mom, but I do view it as an accommodation.

My plans for my mother's assisted living and eldercare have to be made to keep her and her partner together, so I have to deal with it all in concert with his adult children. And that means reaching agreement on basically everything about it. It's pretty complicated because he is broke and she isn't. I'm sure you'll say you don't expect this and you'd rather just drop dead or something, but the reality is, sometimes seniors are unable to handle these tasks and their children have to step in. I'm not looking to separate from her partner, but it's way more complicated to keep them together.

It’s been great so far. She’s 12 years younger than me. I’m 45. No kids…yet. I’m wealthy but she owns her own business and does very well. We combine finances for housing, food, transportation, travel, etc. , ie the essentials. I have as close to an airtight pre-nup as I could get.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it feels simpler for the people in it, but it can make life more complicated for everyone else. It's not a do-over.

Not so much a do-over-- we're not having kids or anything-- but definitely a second chance at happiness. Not sure where "everyone else" comes into that.

The other humans in your family! Your children if you have them. Anyone else who has to interact with your new partner. It's not necessarily simpler for them.

Ah. Perhaps you are assuming that that wasn't part of the initial qualifications. But "must get along with my grown children" was absolutely at the top of the list. I know there are people who don't consider this a dealbreaker, but for me, I wouldn't even go on a second date with someone who wasn't good enough to have a pleasant meal with my kids.

And I don't give a tiny rat's ass what anyone else thinks of my second chapter. That's the whole point.

But see, liking or getting along with someone doesn't mean life is simpler with them in it. I like my stepsiblings just fine, for example, but all of our family occasions now need to be planned with them and their spouses and children taken into account. I'm fine with this, but it's not simpler. Not for them either.

And you need to be the one taking everyone into account right? Wrong. Here's the dirty little secret: no one will die if you don't do all the things. Either someone will step up, or they won't, but it doesn't have to be you. Maybe you love it! I did, for years. I felt like the glue; essential. But when the complete lack of respect for me as a person became impossible to ignore, I resigned from the role of planner/ executor/ errand fairy/ trauma dumpster, and no one died.

Now there's someone asking what he can do for me, how he can take care of me, what I need. Not giving me a laundry list of what he needs from me. After years of being the wife/ mother/ daughter/ daughter-in-law, it's downright intoxicating. My kids love seeing it, and I actually think it's been a good object lesson for them. You need to take care of the people who take care of you. You have the right to be taken care of.

But you still want everyone to accommodate your remarriage, right?

How would it need to be accommodated? Do I want a +1 on wedding invites? Yes. (Same as if my first husband were still in the picture.) Might he decide to pass on the wedding? Sure! Do I expect the family reunion to be relocated because my husband doesn't like the beach? Of course not. I do what I want to do and he does what he wants to do and where there is the option and the desire to do it together, that's awesome.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it feels simpler for the people in it, but it can make life more complicated for everyone else. It's not a do-over.

Not so much a do-over-- we're not having kids or anything-- but definitely a second chance at happiness. Not sure where "everyone else" comes into that.

The other humans in your family! Your children if you have them. Anyone else who has to interact with your new partner. It's not necessarily simpler for them.

Ah. Perhaps you are assuming that that wasn't part of the initial qualifications. But "must get along with my grown children" was absolutely at the top of the list. I know there are people who don't consider this a dealbreaker, but for me, I wouldn't even go on a second date with someone who wasn't good enough to have a pleasant meal with my kids.

And I don't give a tiny rat's ass what anyone else thinks of my second chapter. That's the whole point.

But see, liking or getting along with someone doesn't mean life is simpler with them in it. I like my stepsiblings just fine, for example, but all of our family occasions now need to be planned with them and their spouses and children taken into account. I'm fine with this, but it's not simpler. Not for them either.

And you need to be the one taking everyone into account right? Wrong. Here's the dirty little secret: no one will die if you don't do all the things. Either someone will step up, or they won't, but it doesn't have to be you. Maybe you love it! I did, for years. I felt like the glue; essential. But when the complete lack of respect for me as a person became impossible to ignore, I resigned from the role of planner/ executor/ errand fairy/ trauma dumpster, and no one died.

Now there's someone asking what he can do for me, how he can take care of me, what I need. Not giving me a laundry list of what he needs from me. After years of being the wife/ mother/ daughter/ daughter-in-law, it's downright intoxicating. My kids love seeing it, and I actually think it's been a good object lesson for them. You need to take care of the people who take care of you. You have the right to be taken care of.

But you still want everyone to accommodate your remarriage, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it feels simpler for the people in it, but it can make life more complicated for everyone else. It's not a do-over.

Not so much a do-over-- we're not having kids or anything-- but definitely a second chance at happiness. Not sure where "everyone else" comes into that.

The other humans in your family! Your children if you have them. Anyone else who has to interact with your new partner. It's not necessarily simpler for them.

Ah. Perhaps you are assuming that that wasn't part of the initial qualifications. But "must get along with my grown children" was absolutely at the top of the list. I know there are people who don't consider this a dealbreaker, but for me, I wouldn't even go on a second date with someone who wasn't good enough to have a pleasant meal with my kids.

And I don't give a tiny rat's ass what anyone else thinks of my second chapter. That's the whole point.

But see, liking or getting along with someone doesn't mean life is simpler with them in it. I like my stepsiblings just fine, for example, but all of our family occasions now need to be planned with them and their spouses and children taken into account. I'm fine with this, but it's not simpler. Not for them either.

And you need to be the one taking everyone into account right? Wrong. Here's the dirty little secret: no one will die if you don't do all the things. Either someone will step up, or they won't, but it doesn't have to be you. Maybe you love it! I did, for years. I felt like the glue; essential. But when the complete lack of respect for me as a person became impossible to ignore, I resigned from the role of planner/ executor/ errand fairy/ trauma dumpster, and no one died.

Now there's someone asking what he can do for me, how he can take care of me, what I need. Not giving me a laundry list of what he needs from me. After years of being the wife/ mother/ daughter/ daughter-in-law, it's downright intoxicating. My kids love seeing it, and I actually think it's been a good object lesson for them. You need to take care of the people who take care of you. You have the right to be taken care of.

Simpler isn't always better.

My parents divorced and both remarried when I was a kid. Life got much more complicated. But I got two great stepparents out of the deal, and two much happier parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it feels simpler for the people in it, but it can make life more complicated for everyone else. It's not a do-over.

Not so much a do-over-- we're not having kids or anything-- but definitely a second chance at happiness. Not sure where "everyone else" comes into that.

The other humans in your family! Your children if you have them. Anyone else who has to interact with your new partner. It's not necessarily simpler for them.

Ah. Perhaps you are assuming that that wasn't part of the initial qualifications. But "must get along with my grown children" was absolutely at the top of the list. I know there are people who don't consider this a dealbreaker, but for me, I wouldn't even go on a second date with someone who wasn't good enough to have a pleasant meal with my kids.

And I don't give a tiny rat's ass what anyone else thinks of my second chapter. That's the whole point.

But see, liking or getting along with someone doesn't mean life is simpler with them in it. I like my stepsiblings just fine, for example, but all of our family occasions now need to be planned with them and their spouses and children taken into account. I'm fine with this, but it's not simpler. Not for them either.

Anonymous wrote:My first marriage was from ages 26-30. I realized during that time that he was not going to be a good match for the life I wanted to have. We had a dog, that we both wanted, and it was such a chore trying to get him to do anything with the dog. He would stay up late and sleep in, he didn't contribute to things around the house, and more. I decided that's not the kind of person I wanted to have kids and share a life with so I told him I wanted a divorce.

Now I've been married for 15 years to someone who is my equal in almost all respects. We both work and do as much childcare, housework, and pet care as the other. I was very careful when dating again to make sure I found someone like that. I would have rather been single forever than been married to someone who felt like a dead weight.

+1
But I didn't marry the first type of guy. I knew what I wanted before my first marriage and found it. There is benefit to marrying later (I was 27) and living together. (We didn't officially live together because our parents were too religious, so we just payed twice as much rent as we should have for 3 years).