My bff has an 11 yo who is starting to get like this. She is so lonely and frustrated. 95% of the time we make plans she has to cancel. She used to be able to just use a teenager down the block to babysit but now needs to get an experienced sitter who can deal with his meltdowns. Her ds is great to be around (they come over a lot and I have driven him to some things) but then he will erupt on the way home from somewhere and then it makes the outing more trouble than it was worth for her. I think it’s easier to just be home than deal with the transition of something fun to going home.

How can I support her better? I have picked up her younger son to bring him over when the older one is having a meltdown and just try to be sympathetic to what she is going through. We used to walk together when she had a calm moment but she injured her hip and is out of commission on that front for a few months. My brother has special needs so I really do get it. Her husband has not been a source of support for awhile .

I just want to send you some solidarity -- those of us who can relate, get this scenario really well! I do think there are ways to get at some solutions, and at the same time, with ND kids, we always need to shift our expectations to meet where there are and to find what is really the "just right challenge" (learned that concept in a Raising Orchid Kids class -- I think they also run parenting ND teens support groups, which might be helpful for you too?), which is often a much smaller challenge than we imagine. Like, if you have a goal of going out all 4 of you to dinner, start with a short (even as short as 10 min) outing to somewhere that will be enjoyable for all. Then build on that success by trying something slightly longer or slightly more challenging. Also, have them help come up with the plan. And I also learned the hard way that when my ND child (middle schooler) tells me he doesn't want to go somewhere and can articulate why, things always go south when I force him to come, so I've gotten better at honoring what he needs in the moment if we can make it happen. If that's not possible, we try to find things that will feel soothing or comforting while he's in a place or situation that will feel triggering.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry. I get it. Something as simple and fun as going out to eat is a complete joy for a family but seems impossible for yours. That hurts. I agree with another poster that asks if you could change things a bit. Start with a more kid friendly place? Change the time of the day. Perhaps a brunch would be better than a dinner? Allow them to pick out their own clothes.

Do you have children with these challenges? What do you do? We are not looking for sympathy.

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? I think the early teen years are miserable for plenty of families. My kids with ASD were no fun at that age. My neurotypical child was ALSO no fun at that age (I recall 13-15 as the absolute worst of it). I remember when my oldest was around 17, it was suddenly like she woke up and became a reasonable person. My younger kids followed a similar trajectory.

All that said, if my kids want to opt-out of an optional activity (a school play, dinner at a restaurant when it isn't someone's birthday), we leave them home. I don't like being dragged around, either.

As the parent of a 9 yo with relatively high-functioning ASD, this is so depressing. We’ve done SO MANY THERAPIES to try to get his behavior under control. Now you’re taking me it gets worse.

Our NT child is a dream by comparison. I just follow the advice in parenting books and it works. 😔

OP, I am sorry. I get it. Something as simple and fun as going out to eat is a complete joy for a family but seems impossible for yours. That hurts. I agree with another poster that asks if you could change things a bit. Start with a more kid friendly place? Change the time of the day. Perhaps a brunch would be better than a dinner? Allow them to pick out their own clothes.