Anonymous wrote:Looking back, did you and DH have some issues even before the relocation?

The reason I ask is that I used to practice family law and on more than one occasion I've seen men push a relocation for a work opportunity which was also meant to give him the advantage in a coming custody battle, once the six months establishment of home state jurisdiction over the children under UCCJEA came into play.

You won't be able to relocate from where you are living now for your own work opportunity or to be nearer to extended family and take your children with you without his express permission; he will have the advantage for primary physical custody if you want to move more than an hour away, because where you live now is now is the default home jurisdiction of the children. The burden would be on you to convince the court that taking the kids from their father is justified by whatever work opportunity or family connections that exist in the place you wish to relocate to.

Sorry this is happening to you - a great many men are selfish beasts and it sounds like yours ended up being one.

Anonymous wrote:I would be out of there so fast with $0 and happy to start my life.
Mental health issues are such a drag.
Mine left me in debt. Courts made him pay back some of it for the next 5 years. Took another 10 years to become financially independent and retire.
Why waste your time on 'what can I get from him' when you can do so much better on your own. Time is more important than money. You can make more money. You can't get back more time.

Because there’s a child, and walking away “with $0” isn’t advisable or fair to them.

Anonymous wrote:About his promotion and extended pay grade - I would mention that to your lawyer, that seems sneaky and like it should be taken into consideration when figuring out alimony.

There won’t be alimony. She will be expected to work.

Anonymous wrote:Get a lawyer. Can you say what state you are in? In VA I was advised not to hurry up and get a job bc I was a stay at home mom who allowed my husband to be successful at his job. She said that it is standard that I get about 50% of his pay after taxes. Again this is in VA and I was married over 20 years.
I also had a sneak attack lawyer send me divorce papers. There is no worse feeling in the world. I wish I could hug you; it is so so hard.
Hang in there; if he is mentally unstable you are better off without him. And it sounds like he is either unstable or a complete A-hole.

You got terrible legal advice. Please don’t share it further.

I would be out of there so fast with $0 and happy to start my life.
Mental health issues are such a drag.
Mine left me in debt. Courts made him pay back some of it for the next 5 years. Took another 10 years to become financially independent and retire.
Why waste your time on 'what can I get from him' when you can do so much better on your own. Time is more important than money. You can make more money. You can't get back more time.

Looking back, did you and DH have some issues even before the relocation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout.

Jokes on me. Kid and I were supposed to go on a quick trip next week before school started and DH was going to meet with some workers at the house and watch the dog (dogsitter/ranches all booked because of the holiday week). At the “last minute” early last week, a work trip for this week popped up. Conveniently.

I have been talking to friends all evening sharing the amount of information that is appropriate and one of them might be able to take my kid for a morning if any of the attorneys are in town next week. Pray they’re haven’t already been conflicted out by DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Thank you and I’m sorry. I’m so angry that he would tell me after business hours and when he knows I am caring for our child full-time this week with zero camps or sports practices. I’m furious. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Tell him he needs to take your son for a couple of days next week, since you need to look for and consult an attorney. You’re not obligated to make sure he can work unbothered by parental responsibilities. He did this, and now he can deal with some of the immediate fallout.

I’m sorry, OP. I’d pull out half the amount in any joint accounts and put it in a new separate account just in your name. Screenshot all financials such as 401(k), make sure you change all passwords to everything (even if you think he doesn’t have the password). Get a credit report and then freeze your credit.

Document anything you think is important to document, like your efforts to find a job and his mental health issues.

You need a divorce attorney, and since you’re in a new place (new state?) you might ask a trusted lawyer from your prior location to help you find someone good who is local to you. Find out if you are permitted to change the locks on your home.

At least your husband gave you a heads up today instead of just dumping it on you on Monday. I mean, still a dick move to take this step without more discussion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Opposite of precarious. He has a huge promotion getting press released after Labor Day but already accounted for in his pay grade and title as of last week. Extensive deferred compensation, etc. God help me.

If you have documentation that the promotion is already done, make sure you keep it. He may have filed now so that you don't get alimony based on the promotion. Timing VERY coincidental, if not.

Unfortunately I can't access anything in his laptop or his employee portal- I only have the overheard conversations and what he told me as the offer was building and he was debating which role to accept. I do have written notes in our shared tax portal from a conversation with our tax guy that show anticipation of certain shorter-term compensation if the offer came through, but I know there is much more significant awards that would happen in years 2-5. I live in a tech-heavy area so the good news is that there are divorce attorneys that specialize in settlements that address this kind of deferred compensation that's common in tech.

Anonymous wrote:OP, after moving for an ex and then ending up in a far away state across the country (literally the farthest point I could possible live) I have been living a nightmare. If I could go back in time I would’ve consulted a lawyer immediately. It could’ve saved me a bunch of moves which have burned me - I thought going back to work, finding my own place that was bigger to fit my kids would help me but they haven’t. If I could back I would stay in the house and not work so I could collect alimony and child support. Please get a lawyer asap.

Wow- this is me 100%. He took everything- I had been out of the workforce for 12 years. With primary custody I recentered my career (sales) and was out earning him, - instead of being fateful to be off the hook for alimony or CS/ he chose to file for 50/50 the second he found out I was out earning him/ so that I’d have to pay him.

I worked my ASS off and thought it would help me. Nah. Sit back/ collect your check and f these pathetic leeches.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Opposite of precarious. He has a huge promotion getting press released after Labor Day but already accounted for in his pay grade and title as of last week. Extensive deferred compensation, etc. God help me.

If you have documentation that the promotion is already done, make sure you keep it. He may have filed now so that you don't get alimony based on the promotion. Timing VERY coincidental, if not.

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a huge gut punch, but practically speaking, your resolution options are the same as they were yesterday. Some people file first to get a court date and encourage a swift settlement, but they still negotiate and/or mediate, and never go to trial.

Even if you are approaching your trial date (which is probably January or February), continuances are common and customary.

Don’t feel pressured to give up something you don’t want to just because the clock is ticking.

Yes you are right. But by going to filing he is putting us straight into discussing things like custody via the court system. I think he is naive about the fire he’s thrown us both into. I certainly am not and can see that this is going to be a very difficult few months. Our child just started a new school, settled into new sports team after tryouts, and has made new friends on the neighborhood.

If DH had paused for 30 seconds and used his brain we could have at least negotiated with mediators toward something that gave our child a full school year without disruption, and it still would have achieved the same end result he desires. I don’t give a crap about me at this point, but to disregard our kid in the process is next level awfulness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Opposite of precarious. He has a huge promotion getting press released after Labor Day but already accounted for in his pay grade and title as of last week. Extensive deferred compensation, etc. God help me.

What state? How long have you been married?

A state where our 12 year marriage will probably get me 3-5 years alimony at less than 50% of his income at most, based on what I’m finding. -OP

I guess I’ll know soon enough.

You are an able bodied adult, get a job. Don't be a deadbeat. Life and kids cost money - he should take on his share of parenting responsibilities and you should take on your share of financial responsibilities. And if either of you shirk major responsibilities of adulthood and parenting - you are both deadbeats. Women are more than capable of working and paying for their own needs and contributing to the needs for their kids. This idea that but I am a woman, so I can't do anything but have a man look after me and the kids needs to disappear.

OP and I completely agree with you.

But zoom out and ignore my sad situation for a bit: when one partner sacrifices career opportunities so another partner can take on a more lucrative but more demanding job with less flexibility, that means their future opportunities are impacted. I think alimony is a practical way of acknowledging that, although it doesn’t fully account for the impact that downshifting to support a partner’s career has on long term career prospects.

And let’s be real, for two partners to have equal high caliber careers, you need local, able-bodied family, or space for an au pair from early on, or partners who are willing to make equal tradeoffs from day to day and week to week. If one person is always on pickup and lunch duty and one person always gets to go in early and stay late, for example, the other one’s career falls behind and eventually is deprioritized.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a job immediately. Given his mental health issues and the upheaval and stress of a divorce, his job may be precarious.
What kind of work were you doing up until the move?

Go back to former state w kids and get a job. He is unstable. Get a very good lawyer, versed in mental disorders, games, and trauma (yours).

OP and as much as I like that fantasy I’m pretty sure that I cannot move during divorce proceedings and that an out of state move would be a major negotiation as part of a custody agreement.