Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things)

STOP THIS NONSENSE

Yeah, this right here. Birthday comes. Birthday kid gets presents and a cake. Sibling throws a fit. Sibling gets put in time out or sent to another room or no cake, or whatever you determine is appropriate. If you don't teach them that not everything revolves around them I'm not sure how they will function in the real world. Start now while they're still young ish.

OP, the bolded is exactly what needs to happen. Talk then the new rules ahead of time. Then enforce the new rules, calmly and consistently. No decorated table. We do one gift from each family member to the birthday child.

Anonymous wrote:As a fellow anxious neurodivergent parent I would tell them that if they can’t smile and say thank you and be polite and gracious about it, I’m not going to do it for them anymore because clearly it’s not making them happy. You sound a lot nicer than me though.

Blaming and shaming kids for their differences and difficulties won't get you very far... good luck!

As a fellow anxious neurodivergent parent I would tell them that if they can’t smile and say thank you and be polite and gracious about it, I’m not going to do it for them anymore because clearly it’s not making them happy. You sound a lot nicer than me though.

OP, I'm sorry for all these people shaming you, because a good friend of mine has autistic kids with anxiety and ADHD, and birthdays and Christmases have been a nightmare for them as well. I feel like my friends has done a ton to make them low-key, one present, set expectations, etc., and it's still, at age 14, fraught, although much better than when the kids were younger. And while I don't think you're doing anything "wrong" or "too much," she did find it helpful to take much of the offerings off the table, literally and figuratively. I think the kids were just so anxious that everything tripped their anxiety.

A big win for them was saying that the family Christmas present was going to a low-key resort in Puerto Rico.) Everyone had a good time (they love swimming and running around in bathing suits) and they skirted the whole Christmas morning industrial complex somewhat. So maybe give something like that a try? It kind of sounds like it's going to be miserable no matter what you do, so at least you can set conditions to keep yourself somewhat happy. ?

Good luck. Good news is that your kids are still relatively young, so there's some room for growth.

OP I've never heard of ADHD kids having big problems with birthdays, nor have I ever heard of a kid getting a room decorated and a whole table of presents for their bday. This seems like the cause/correlation issue here.

I’ve posted something along the lines of “can we just cancel Christmas” at least two different years because Christmas is always sort of like this despite our best efforts. We don’t make a huge deal of gifts etc but the entire world seems to and it never lives up to my hyper kids wild expectations. Birthdays tend to be better because we have more control over the messaging but we have had a couple meltdowns too.

Honestly OP, most of the best moments with my family have been normal, good days. I’ve tried to just accept that. Holidays are definitely not the highlight of the year for us and that’s ok. I try to do what I can to make sure I don’t start feeling resentment over that, by including a couple traditional things I like even if they aren’t the kids favorite and by not going too wild.

Good luck

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted up thread but wanted to post again to comment you are NOT a bad mom! You are having a hard time but that's ok! Hang in there.

Sure but she’s not doing her kids any favors. She’s raising kids who expect the world to revolve around them and their “big feelings”. Buckle up buttercup. The real world will be a rude awakening

There was a study a year pr so ago that proved talking about "bad" events leads to worse outcomes.
We went from not caring about children's feelings, at all, to making them think every sadness or disappointment is a traumatic event.
Its as bad...maybe even worse than how we were raising them before.

I blame the Oprah show and Phil Donahue before her.

I am not posting specifics for my kid's privacy, but my ND kid (who is much older than yours!) has historically had huge anxiety around birthdays (whether they are equal, whether they will live up to expectations, etc.) and this has caused stress for our entire family. We're not perfect parents, but I don't think we've done anything "wrong" on birthdays specifically - we do celebrate birthdays but don't at all go overboard, and my NT kids do not have any of these issues. We've tried lots of strategies and nothing has helped even slightly except maturity. For your own sanity, I'd just try to do whatever you think is reasonable and accept that a lot of your kids' reaction is going to be out of your control. But yes, I very much relate.