Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're so lucky to have a MIL you despise. Someone women have nothing to post about on DCUM.

I don’t despise her. Just seeking advice on how to interact with someone who is an important part of our lives and also lacks boundaries. I want to live harmoniously with her and also not suffocate while doing so. People have decent tips.

Anonymous wrote:If she cooked the meal and brought it over, I don't think it's too much to expect for her to be invited to stay and eat. I would love it if someone did that for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

OP here - I agree it’s manipulation too but still trying to work to somehow bring some level of harmony since neither of us will be moving away. I know because on one occasion in the past when we were discussing an event that someone else was hosting, I casually mentioned “well maybe x doesn’t want that”, to which she responded “oh don’t worry I know how to get what I want”. She is not oblivious but certainly a little mindless.

Anonymous wrote:So what? let her linger. She is family. You continue doing what you have to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I got some good perspective from these responses and some subtle shifts that I can work on like picking something up.

To clarify, she did say “drop it off”. To give her some props though she did actually communicate with me beforehand which I appreciate and is a result of previous conversations.

Nevermind that she still passively inserts herself so she can get what she actually wants (I would have so much rather just fielded the question “would you like to get dinner”, but so it is what it is. I think she doesn’t ask out of habit but it’s also a way she gets what she wants and doesn’t have to risk a no.)

Husband does largely deal with her. We do see her regularly. Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond though. No exaggeration I mean like she would be at our house or us at hers literally every single day. There’s a story behind that as there usually is… her dh is basically absent despite being married. Lots of enmeshment with sons my dh has had to work through, and continues to.

Anyway, thanks all! Appreciate the thoughts

Why don't you invite her to stay for dinner? You obviously are not clueless about what she wants -- you just don't want to give it to her. "Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond" -- wtf? She's a lonely person who also is your MIL and you cannot figure out how to invite her over so she will be less lonely? You don't understand her connection to you, your DH or your kids? How can anyone be that dense. Are you on the spectrum OP?

I didn’t invite her to stay for dinner for multiple reasons:
- she spent the last 9 days with my family. Sharing every single meal, except yesterday where she shared just lunch.
- I am recovering from something sensitive and did not feel like hosting anyone.
- she came under the pretense of “dropping something off” and I did not have the bandwidth to pivot

Yes I’m entirely clear of her connection to us which is why she shared a vacation with our family for the last 9 days. And why I am asking for tips and advice on how to field this in a mindful way. Jeez

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She your husband’s mother. Show some respect.

Respect is earned. MIL has been extremely rude and disrespectful, so your comment does not apply.

No, you show deference and respect to elders. Bullshit with this idea she has to “earn” OP’s respect. Wow. Were you raised wrong?

PP you replied to. I was raised in very traditional family structures on both my mother and father's side where some elders abused their children. I learned from personal experience, and witnessing other relatives' experiences, that respect is earned.

Showing deference to elders stops when said elder pushes boundaries. I defer to my lovely MIL, FIL and to my father, who all know exactly where they stand. I do not defer to my mother, whose untreated anxiety makes her verbally abusive and hypercontrolling. She was abused herself as a child by members of her family.

Check yourself, PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

Anonymous wrote:She your husband’s mother. Show some respect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I got some good perspective from these responses and some subtle shifts that I can work on like picking something up.

To clarify, she did say “drop it off”. To give her some props though she did actually communicate with me beforehand which I appreciate and is a result of previous conversations.

Nevermind that she still passively inserts herself so she can get what she actually wants (I would have so much rather just fielded the question “would you like to get dinner”, but so it is what it is. I think she doesn’t ask out of habit but it’s also a way she gets what she wants and doesn’t have to risk a no.)

Husband does largely deal with her. We do see her regularly. Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond though. No exaggeration I mean like she would be at our house or us at hers literally every single day. There’s a story behind that as there usually is… her dh is basically absent despite being married. Lots of enmeshment with sons my dh has had to work through, and continues to.

Anyway, thanks all! Appreciate the thoughts

Why don't you invite her to stay for dinner? You obviously are not clueless about what she wants -- you just don't want to give it to her. "Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond" -- wtf? She's a lonely person who also is your MIL and you cannot figure out how to invite her over so she will be less lonely? You don't understand her connection to you, your DH or your kids? How can anyone be that dense. Are you on the spectrum OP?

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I got some good perspective from these responses and some subtle shifts that I can work on like picking something up.

To clarify, she did say “drop it off”. To give her some props though she did actually communicate with me beforehand which I appreciate and is a result of previous conversations.

Nevermind that she still passively inserts herself so she can get what she actually wants (I would have so much rather just fielded the question “would you like to get dinner”, but so it is what it is. I think she doesn’t ask out of habit but it’s also a way she gets what she wants and doesn’t have to risk a no.)

Husband does largely deal with her. We do see her regularly. Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond though. No exaggeration I mean like she would be at our house or us at hers literally every single day. There’s a story behind that as there usually is… her dh is basically absent despite being married. Lots of enmeshment with sons my dh has had to work through, and continues to.

Anyway, thanks all! Appreciate the thoughts