Anonymous wrote:Our therapist told us that divorce unquestionably better than ugly fights in front of the kids.

I think my peers who have divorced haven’t had bad fights in front of the kids. Their contempt or passive aggression isn’t even in front of the kids. Kids want happy parents, sure. But from the ages of 12-20, did you really GAF what was going on with your parents? No. That wouldn’t be normal. If they aren’t witnessing emotional or physical abuse, they do better living in one home.

Which is worse completely depends on the circumstances. My parents divorced when I was an adult and the past 15 or so years of their marriage were pretty crappy. But I think it was better for all of us that they waited.

By the time I was in high school, they lived largely separate lives and slept in separate bedrooms. But, they rarely fought around us and were civil/ friendly towards one another.

Other than coaching our sports teams, my dad was not an active or involved parent. My mom did all of the other parenting responsibilities and did them well. If my siblings and I suddenly started spending half of our time with just my dad, it wouldn’t have been great for him or us. It also was better financially. My mom was a SAH mom and then went back to school to earn her masters when I was in HS. She then started a successful career and was financially independent by the time they divorced which made the divorce easier. That said, if they had argued often or had a lot of ongoing conflict, I probably would feel differently.

Anonymous wrote:There is a third option, which is to work on your marriage and make it better for the sake of your children. That requires self reflection and for people to Not act like spoiled brats.

Stop: often times think can’t be worked out because it was never good to begin with and it was always a mistake and then kids come along and you keep trying to fix it and it never gets fixed. There are many situations that people wait for almost a decade to finally pull the plug wishing they did it earlier.

I don’t know one person that didn’t divorce after thinking about it for five or more years.

Anonymous wrote:What's worse, a comfortable retirement or living in an alley somewhere?

Have your own retirement. Problem solved. We kept our own: it was a non-issue.

Divorce is best if you can afford it and have no intention of remarrying.

I think a bad marriage is the absolute worst.

What's worse, a comfortable retirement or living in an alley somewhere?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents had a bad marriage, divorced, and are now each in a new bad marriage. I wouldn't say that's a win for them, and it's way worse for me logistically.

Wherever you go, there you are.

imo if you get divorced you shouldn't marry again unless the divorce happened when you were young and you don't have kids.

Agree but tell that to my ex who ran off with his AP who’s biding her time im sure until she can play house with him

Anonymous wrote:My parents had a bad marriage, divorced, and are now each in a new bad marriage. I wouldn't say that's a win for them, and it's way worse for me logistically.

Wherever you go, there you are.

imo if you get divorced you shouldn't marry again unless the divorce happened when you were young and you don't have kids.

Our therapist told us that divorce unquestionably better than ugly fights in front of the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chime in with your thoughts and experience.

Divorced and coparenting with a high income narcissist and abuser is actually worse than being married to the same one.

I hope this PP can come back and say more. I am currently in the very quiet phase of consulting with attorneys who specialize in high income, high conflict divorce, and one of them was very frank in warning me to move as slowly and thoughtfully as possible. The others were full of confidence so now I’m rattled, pumping the brakes and reconsidering everything.

I think crappy marriage is worse. At least if you’re divorced you have a chance at making yourself happy. Life is short. Kids need happy parents.

There is a third option, which is to work on your marriage and make it better for the sake of your children. That requires self reflection and for people to Not act like spoiled brats.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Consider your children first.

Children don’t need to endure a crappy marriage. It’s not good for them either.

But divorce is also harmful. It’s case-by-case. My parents had a low conflict marriage, but it’s not a marriage I would ever want to be a part of. I often thought I’d love to see them each happy alone, but in hindsight I think that would’ve been worse. It would have been 2+ stressful years of them getting over the separation and having to establish everything on their own. It would’ve meant a lot less financial stability, especially for my mother so I think she would have ended up much worse off mentally too. Add to that, that neither of them would be the go to therapy to do a post mortem and work on their relationships with their kids type, and I think the pain of me living in two places and neither of them really being home would’ve been devastatingly awful. Once I wasn’t living with them, the fact that they were together made my life so much easier. There was no good answer, and I’m not sure what I would do, but divorce between the ages of 6 and 18 seems untenable for me unless of course there is abuse.

Well stated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

May depend if you are male or female

Nah, it depends if you're independently wealthy. If so, crappy marriage is far worse. If you're poor, divorced is worse because you halve your resources.

Divorces with “better outcomes” (when children involved) seem to be amongst very wealthy who can have two households and provide children a bed/space to be comfortable. Really wealthy means kids take loads of trips etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Consider your children first.

Children don’t need to endure a crappy marriage. It’s not good for them either.

But divorce is also harmful. It’s case-by-case. My parents had a low conflict marriage, but it’s not a marriage I would ever want to be a part of. I often thought I’d love to see them each happy alone, but in hindsight I think that would’ve been worse. It would have been 2+ stressful years of them getting over the separation and having to establish everything on their own. It would’ve meant a lot less financial stability, especially for my mother so I think she would have ended up much worse off mentally too. Add to that, that neither of them would be the go to therapy to do a post mortem and work on their relationships with their kids type, and I think the pain of me living in two places and neither of them really being home would’ve been devastatingly awful. Once I wasn’t living with them, the fact that they were together made my life so much easier. There was no good answer, and I’m not sure what I would do, but divorce between the ages of 6 and 18 seems untenable for me unless of course there is abuse.