Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have kids who are probably only a few years younger than the OP. I will give her the same advice that I give my kids.

I do not believe in getting very close to relatives. They are my relatives, not the friends that I have made through my own choice. Secondly, you don't "win friends and influence people" where relatives are concerned. You cannot change their habits, political views, socialization, dysfunction, striver-ness, education, life experience, health, addictions. It is what it is. You have to be present for "occasions" and you have to "help" them if you have the capacity to. They are a diverse cross-section of society. From the richest to the poorest. Enlightened to Delulu. Make America Great Again - to - Make America Gay Again.

I will fulfil all my social obligations by showing up for everything that I am invited to. I will attend birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, funerals, baptisms. I see relatives as a collective. I don't try and have individual relationships with them. So, I will invite, give similar gifts, greet - everyone.

When I got married, I realized that some relatives close to my MIL were very conniving and my MIL was easily influenced by them because she was really naive and easily flattered. So, I basically would get very busy when they came around. I knew that they were extremely dangerous people and so, I kept my mouth shut and busied myself in making delicious treats for them. My MIL would be very pleased with me because she thought I was showing respect to everyone by being the doting doormat daughter-in-law. On the other hand, I was playing the game of "how to be safe from poisonous snakes". The busier I got stuffing food in their mouths, the less I had to interact with them.

The same for a particularly vile sister-in-law. As soon as she stepped in the house, I would swoop in to play with her kids and keep them entertained. They were happy with it and I was safe from joining in. In my culture, I could not leave guests and go and take a walk myself. I had to be around to socialize with them. My "go to" option was always be the auntie who likes kids. I used to have all kinds of games and toys, crafts for kids...and it gave me an easy out. I don't dislike kids, but I was taught by my mom to not get involved in family politics and not to be available to gossip. By being the chef and childcare person for a short while, I could keep myself protected for very little effort. I was the only one who did not get involved in family politics and was a neutral person. Also, the women liked me because I lessened their work burden.

I have passed this on to both my kids. You don't pick relatives, like you can pick friends. There are always some dysfunctional and toxic relatives who like to create discord, and most of the time you do not have the option to cut them off because other relatives are linked to them. So, when you meet such people, minimize any conversation and interaction by being extremely busy and helpful doing small chores for the host.

When my kids first go to any family gathering, they first have to quickly go around greeting everyone individually. Every relative gets a "hello uncle/aunt so and so", a quick hug, a quick peck on the cheek..and then they move to the next relative. Then they will offer to replenish drinks, get plates of food for people, ask if people if they need something - and then make themselves scarce after that. Otherwise they will start getting questions and comments about their appearance, romantic life, grades, career plan...etc, etc. If they don't want that to happen, they better keep it moving.

The impression my kids leave behind is of nephew/niece who are respectful, helpful, polite and not argumentative about anything. When toxic people ask them to join in for any "Hey what do you think about...something controversial" They excuse themselves for the moment by saying they will finish some small chore or help with childcare, and then circle back. Then my kids become scarce. They do a craft with the kids, make them watch a cartoon, clear the table, refill the drinks, make tea for everyone, take out the trash, pass on the snacks...and then excuse themself and go on to enjoy the rest of the day.

Long story short - OP has to be very warm, solicitous and polite to the future SIL. She can include her in any large family get-together she is hosting. Keep the chit-chat neutral. Other than that? Nothing else is required.

We are in the presence of genius.

Anonymous wrote:BIL (DH’s brother) is getting married. I have never hung out with BIL alone. I see him over the holidays and family gatherings. My friends seemed surprised that I haven’t been hanging out with my future SIL.

Am I supposed to be making more effort?

Do I have to take her out alone to try to get to know her better?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have kids who are probably only a few years younger than the OP. I will give her the same advice that I give my kids.

I do not believe in getting very close to relatives. They are my relatives, not the friends that I have made through my own choice. Secondly, you don't "win friends and influence people" where relatives are concerned. You cannot change their habits, political views, socialization, dysfunction, striver-ness, education, life experience, health, addictions. It is what it is. You have to be present for "occasions" and you have to "help" them if you have the capacity to. They are a diverse cross-section of society. From the richest to the poorest. Enlightened to Delulu. Make America Great Again - to - Make America Gay Again.

I will fulfil all my social obligations by showing up for everything that I am invited to. I will attend birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, funerals, baptisms. I see relatives as a collective. I don't try and have individual relationships with them. So, I will invite, give similar gifts, greet - everyone.

When I got married, I realized that some relatives close to my MIL were very conniving and my MIL was easily influenced by them because she was really naive and easily flattered. So, I basically would get very busy when they came around. I knew that they were extremely dangerous people and so, I kept my mouth shut and busied myself in making delicious treats for them. My MIL would be very pleased with me because she thought I was showing respect to everyone by being the doting doormat daughter-in-law. On the other hand, I was playing the game of "how to be safe from poisonous snakes". The busier I got stuffing food in their mouths, the less I had to interact with them.

The same for a particularly vile sister-in-law. As soon as she stepped in the house, I would swoop in to play with her kids and keep them entertained. They were happy with it and I was safe from joining in. In my culture, I could not leave guests and go and take a walk myself. I had to be around to socialize with them. My "go to" option was always be the auntie who likes kids. I used to have all kinds of games and toys, crafts for kids...and it gave me an easy out. I don't dislike kids, but I was taught by my mom to not get involved in family politics and not to be available to gossip. By being the chef and childcare person for a short while, I could keep myself protected for very little effort. I was the only one who did not get involved in family politics and was a neutral person. Also, the women liked me because I lessened their work burden.

I have passed this on to both my kids. You don't pick relatives, like you can pick friends. There are always some dysfunctional and toxic relatives who like to create discord, and most of the time you do not have the option to cut them off because other relatives are linked to them. So, when you meet such people, minimize any conversation and interaction by being extremely busy and helpful doing small chores for the host.

When my kids first go to any family gathering, they first have to quickly go around greeting everyone individually. Every relative gets a "hello uncle/aunt so and so", a quick hug, a quick peck on the cheek..and then they move to the next relative. Then they will offer to replenish drinks, get plates of food for people, ask if people if they need something - and then make themselves scarce after that. Otherwise they will start getting questions and comments about their appearance, romantic life, grades, career plan...etc, etc. If they don't want that to happen, they better keep it moving.

The impression my kids leave behind is of nephew/niece who are respectful, helpful, polite and not argumentative about anything. When toxic people ask them to join in for any "Hey what do you think about...something controversial" They excuse themselves for the moment by saying they will finish some small chore or help with childcare, and then circle back. Then my kids become scarce. They do a craft with the kids, make them watch a cartoon, clear the table, refill the drinks, make tea for everyone, take out the trash, pass on the snacks...and then excuse themself and go on to enjoy the rest of the day.

Long story short - OP has to be very warm, solicitous and polite to the future SIL. She can include her in any large family get-together she is hosting. Keep the chit-chat neutral. Other than that? Nothing else is required.

We are in the presence of genius.

Anonymous wrote:I have kids who are probably only a few years younger than the OP. I will give her the same advice that I give my kids.

I do not believe in getting very close to relatives. They are my relatives, not the friends that I have made through my own choice. Secondly, you don't "win friends and influence people" where relatives are concerned. You cannot change their habits, political views, socialization, dysfunction, striver-ness, education, life experience, health, addictions. It is what it is. You have to be present for "occasions" and you have to "help" them if you have the capacity to. They are a diverse cross-section of society. From the richest to the poorest. Enlightened to Delulu. Make America Great Again - to - Make America Gay Again.

I will fulfil all my social obligations by showing up for everything that I am invited to. I will attend birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, funerals, baptisms. I see relatives as a collective. I don't try and have individual relationships with them. So, I will invite, give similar gifts, greet - everyone.

When I got married, I realized that some relatives close to my MIL were very conniving and my MIL was easily influenced by them because she was really naive and easily flattered. So, I basically would get very busy when they came around. I knew that they were extremely dangerous people and so, I kept my mouth shut and busied myself in making delicious treats for them. My MIL would be very pleased with me because she thought I was showing respect to everyone by being the doting doormat daughter-in-law. On the other hand, I was playing the game of "how to be safe from poisonous snakes". The busier I got stuffing food in their mouths, the less I had to interact with them.

The same for a particularly vile sister-in-law. As soon as she stepped in the house, I would swoop in to play with her kids and keep them entertained. They were happy with it and I was safe from joining in. In my culture, I could not leave guests and go and take a walk myself. I had to be around to socialize with them. My "go to" option was always be the auntie who likes kids. I used to have all kinds of games and toys, crafts for kids...and it gave me an easy out. I don't dislike kids, but I was taught by my mom to not get involved in family politics and not to be available to gossip. By being the chef and childcare person for a short while, I could keep myself protected for very little effort. I was the only one who did not get involved in family politics and was a neutral person. Also, the women liked me because I lessened their work burden.

I have passed this on to both my kids. You don't pick relatives, like you can pick friends. There are always some dysfunctional and toxic relatives who like to create discord, and most of the time you do not have the option to cut them off because other relatives are linked to them. So, when you meet such people, minimize any conversation and interaction by being extremely busy and helpful doing small chores for the host.

When my kids first go to any family gathering, they first have to quickly go around greeting everyone individually. Every relative gets a "hello uncle/aunt so and so", a quick hug, a quick peck on the cheek..and then they move to the next relative. Then they will offer to replenish drinks, get plates of food for people, ask if people if they need something - and then make themselves scarce after that. Otherwise they will start getting questions and comments about their appearance, romantic life, grades, career plan...etc, etc. If they don't want that to happen, they better keep it moving.

The impression my kids leave behind is of nephew/niece who are respectful, helpful, polite and not argumentative about anything. When toxic people ask them to join in for any "Hey what do you think about...something controversial" They excuse themselves for the moment by saying they will finish some small chore or help with childcare, and then circle back. Then my kids become scarce. They do a craft with the kids, make them watch a cartoon, clear the table, refill the drinks, make tea for everyone, take out the trash, pass on the snacks...and then excuse themself and go on to enjoy the rest of the day.

Long story short - OP has to be very warm, solicitous and polite to the future SIL. She can include her in any large family get-together she is hosting. Keep the chit-chat neutral. Other than that? Nothing else is required.