Tell her the vacation is a chance for you and DH to reconnect and strengthen your marriage, that it’s a chance to spend some last time together before you’re empty nesters, and you and she can do a long weekend together going to X [some place she’s interested in that’s more feasible].

You just have to tell her. What you really want to know is how to tell her without hurting her feelings, and that’s not possible but also not your responsibility. Be kind and be honest. If she pushes back, you can get into how it’s also a factor that she and the kids are on very different wavelengths in terms of activity level and things they want to do, and right now you want to focus on maximizing time with the kids.

If your mom has any friends or similar-aged relatives, suggest a group tour trip for her, one that’s designed for people her age and stage.

Of course she’d prefer to go with you. It’s the most emotionally comfortable for her. But it doesn’t work for you and ultimately, if she’s complaining and dissatisfied, it’s not eat experience for her either.

There's no way to tell her this without actually telling her this. If she throws temper tantrums, she will be upset. Expect it. You can figure out something you ARE willing to do, and offer that instead. But it's ok to plan a trip with your kids without bringing grandma.

Relationships between adults mean they respect each other. They respect each other's preferences. Mommy doesn't control you. Mommy doesn't get to emotionally manipulate you. You afraid to make her mad. Sometimes people are briefly disappointed, if they wish for something. People adjust. The relationship adjusts. You thinking there are magic words or a magic way of saying "no", miss the larger picture.

Of course - you're kind when you tell news that will disappoint. That's being a loving, reasonable , mature adult.

The vacation we took with our teen and my elderly parents that everyone enjoyed was a cruise. We came together for some meals and I was able to visit with them at other times, but my teen was able to go off and do her own thing. Could that be an option?

I think it’s 100% fine to plan a vacation without your mom/ parents (and sounds like you are feeling guilty about it). I don’t think you should feel guilty as long as you are still getting time with them (are they local? If not, do you have a visit planned to see them?).

I wouldn’t make a big pronouncement and I wouldn’t hide it from them (sounds immature). Just plan what works for your family and let it come up naturally in the conversation. If your mom is rude enough to ask why she wasn’t included, just say, “we needed a trip with just our family and this wasn’t a good one to open up more broadly.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a place your nuclear family wants to go that your mom definitely does not? Also, is it only your mom wanting to go on these trips, not your dad? Wasn't sure what the relevance of your opening description of your parents' marriage had to do with the rest of the post?

It shows that OP isn't a very kind person , nor empathetic and is extremly inflexible and judgemental in her thinking

And biased

Cruises and all inclusive resorts or resorts in general are best for multigenerational travel. I am not a fan of cruses in general but have come to realize it's the only way people who are 30s, 70s, children etc can find something to do. Disney if the elderly want to use mobile scooters. There is no other answer that I found that pleases everyone.

“The way one is supposed to love their spouse.”

You mean mutually and behave like a team?

Anonymous wrote:I need help.

I’ve come to the realization that my mother doesn’t love my father, at least not in the way one is supposed to love their spouse. They don’t enjoy each other’s company. They have no shared interests. They just exist in the same house together.
?

lol

What’s so lovable and respectable about your father now or before OP? From your mother’s perspective and your child eyes of course.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a place your nuclear family wants to go that your mom definitely does not? Also, is it only your mom wanting to go on these trips, not your dad? Wasn't sure what the relevance of your opening description of your parents' marriage had to do with the rest of the post?

It shows that OP isn't a very kind person , nor empathetic and is extremly inflexible and judgemental in her thinking

I took those comments to be that she blames her mom for everything and lets her dad off the hook.

Statistically the dad probably did minimal child raising, vacation planning, cooking, and house keeping. And Unf probably continues to do nothing for or in the house.

How old is she?

She should do those old people travel groups?

She sounds bored out of her mind and since you mention nothing about your father he sounds like he has no goals or hobbies either.

Focus on your teens, memorable trips, and help your mom find some things out do the house or maybe a new living community that is social.

It is fine to not include your mom. She can travel if she wants- by herself, with a friend, in a tour group.

Probably the best thing you can do is tell her straight out - your family trips are going to be your nuclear family only. Do not lie and avoid. That gives her false hope. Give her the chance to figure out how to travel without you.

You just dodge and weave here — you don’t make some long term announcement and you don’t tell her that she won’t like the trip or be able to do it. She will just argue with you about that.

You can either not mention the trip or just say that this trip is just for your nuclear family. And then just ignore her complaints and comments.

And is there truly not anywhere within a two hour drive that she would like? Would she like to stay in a fancy hotel and get a pedicure? Would she like a small, cute town with some good shopping? Would she like the greenbrier? Or Williamsburg? It sounds like you could throw in a trip for her and you and maybe the kids that is 1 or 2 nights.

I feel the same about my in-laws. They never helped with my kids and now that they are old and realize they can’t spend all their money want to do these big family trips. But they are rigid and anxious and hard to take in larger doses, plus they have basically very little relationship with my kids. We recently took a cruise with them at their insistence and they were put out that we all didn’t want to meet up for breakfast and lunch and all daytime activities in addition to dinner and after dinner.

Anonymous wrote:Is there a place your nuclear family wants to go that your mom definitely does not? Also, is it only your mom wanting to go on these trips, not your dad? Wasn't sure what the relevance of your opening description of your parents' marriage had to do with the rest of the post?

It shows that OP isn't a very kind person , nor empathetic and is extremly inflexible and judgemental in her thinking