Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Housework is foreplay.

LOL !!!

Nearly fell out of my chair due to laughter.

Thank you !

Acts of service is one of the five love languages. Sorry if this is news to you.

And feeling loved doesn’t always mean that someone is up for physical touch.

News to you?

DP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

She is probably cheating on you. She is getting it from another man. No way she is not having any sex at all.

Clearly written by a man. Women can go without sex. I did for more than 10 years in a marriage like OP is describing. Had a couple toys that got me through. Now divorced and very much enjoying it with a new partner.

OP, many people recommend Gottmann marriage therapy workbooks and also the therapists who practice in that manner.

A good easy step would be to order some of those materials and look through them yourself to figure out what you can improve.

I would recommend that you take your wife on a week long vacation without your kids and see if you can get a break from unproductive at-home behaviors and parenting. Try to recapture some of the mood of how things were when you most enjoyed each others' company. My husband is much better company when we travel without kids.

Does your wife understand that you love her and are attracted specifically to her? What proof exists?

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

Your wife is incredibly selfish and a poor communicator. If she decides to stop having sex with you she’s not only making this choice for herself, but also for you. She basically signed you up for a sexless marriage whether you like it or not, and that’s unfair to you.

Bringing up running the house, and chores, is a cop out and a separate issue and it shows a lack of honesty and willingness to work things out. You’ve got to do your part, but every family is different, it can mean doing more housework, being the parent more involved with the kids, or spending time at work to bring in more money.

You should have a conversation with your wife about what your needs and expectations are related to sex, what is acceptable with you and a finding a solution that works, eg having somebody else on the side for sex, while keeping the family together. Also do some introspection to set your red lines. Is a sexless marriage acceptable to you for the sake of the kids and financial benefits of avoiding divorce? Communicate that to your wife and try to understand where she’s coming from and what she wants.

A lot of times women go through menopause and their libido completely tanks, and when the husband is unhappy, they come out with excuses. This won’t be fixed with doing more the dishes, these suggestions are ridiculous. Is she willing to take one for the team once in a while or give you a free pass? It’s a negotiation between the two of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is she on the pill? I was on it for many years and it killed my libido.

I wish more couples understood that, and that doctors told women about this!

No. That's not what this is.

I hate all the gaslighting about the pill.

PP you replied to. ??? This is not gaslighting. It happened to me. I am relating a lived experience. What's wrong with you?

Read the OP. He isn't really a husband or father and has no real relationship with his wife. So she doesn't want to have sex with him. Duh!

That doesn't give you the right to call my experience "gaslighting". You're being extremely rude.

I’m not PP, but I did buy into the gaslighting that the pill kills libido. And maybe it does. But wanna know what really killed my libido? 3 unplanned pregnancies I didn’t want.

OK, you've got to be a troll. You can try different pills. You can try different non-chemical contraceptives. Don't be ridiculous. And if you've been warned against side effects of the pill, what you should do is try for yourself, with that knowledge. The issue is when women take the pill and don't realize that it's that medication that is making them not want intimacy. Hence the value of the warning. The warning doesn't mean "don't even try". It means "be aware of how you're feeling on this medication, and know you can try others".

That’s not at all the dialog around the pill. Very few people are taking about experimenting with different formulations. People just come in all hot saying how “the pill” is terrible. Unsurprising that this is what people hear.

We move in very different circles then, or you're a social media junkie. No one around me talks about the pill. Doctors just hand over one of them without any discussion over side effects. It's the opposite of your experience, and it's equally bad. We need a sane discussion of possible side effects.

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

She is probably cheating on you. She is getting it from another man. No way she is not having any sex at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Housework is foreplay.

LOL !!!

Nearly fell out of my chair due to laughter.

Thank you !

Acts of service is one of the five love languages. Sorry if this is news to you.

Same. Totally laughable. DH thinks he can come home from work whenever he wants, scarf a dinner I made while playing on his phone, ignore the kids because “work email”, do zero chores because “anxiety”, and then he has a right to whine that I won’t let him use my body for pleasure? Oh hell no.

How can men be this obtuse?

So she is useless. Why not just divorce and go find your own? And have her fill her tank at a different gas station?

My libido was killed by carrying my DH’s anxiety and dealing with the children. He’s helpful(ish) around the house and does stuff with the kids, but I’m definitely an afterthought unless he needs to unload angst. I’ve taken antidepressants on and off for years to help deal with the emotional/mental load I’m carrying for the family, but the side effects and cost are prohibitive.

I wish I’d married someone who occasionally lifted me up emotionally, made me laugh and made me feel like things would be okay, but I didn’t. I wish I’d married someone who occasionally notices when I get my haircut or asks me about a doctors appointment, but I didn’t. Now I’m middle aged and going through perimenopause on top of it and all of these things add up.

Leaving isn’t an option so I’m just trying to make it through the day to day. The idea of sex with him is laughable—hard to get excited about being physical when you are sad all the time. We’ve been to therapy with short term positives, but then we revert to the status quo.

Yeah you sound like a real peach. I can see why your wife isn’t interested in sleeping with you. It sounds like you’d be more interested in what your colleagues said or thought than what your wife is going through.

Do you even like your wife? Sounds like you look at her as a sex doll, not even a full human.

You also know she’s unhappy, and dont seem to care? What kind of husband are you? As neglectful as you are as a father?

You will come out ahead financially if you cut back on work and focus on your marriage. Divorce is expensive!

Anonymous wrote:
Is she on the pill? I was on it for many years and it killed my libido.

I wish more couples understood that, and that doctors told women about this!

This was my experience in my 20s as well. My otherwise strong libido was significantly subdued. It also made me gain 10lbs. I got two suspected blood clots, one in my calf and one in my brain. Once I got off the pill, all these side effects went away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is she on the pill? I was on it for many years and it killed my libido.

I wish more couples understood that, and that doctors told women about this!

No. That's not what this is.

I hate all the gaslighting about the pill.

PP you replied to. ??? This is not gaslighting. It happened to me. I am relating a lived experience. What's wrong with you?

Read the OP. He isn't really a husband or father and has no real relationship with his wife. So she doesn't want to have sex with him. Duh!

That doesn't give you the right to call my experience "gaslighting". You're being extremely rude.

I’m not PP, but I did buy into the gaslighting that the pill kills libido. And maybe it does. But wanna know what really killed my libido? 3 unplanned pregnancies I didn’t want.

OK, you've got to be a troll. You can try different pills. You can try different non-chemical contraceptives. Don't be ridiculous. And if you've been warned against side effects of the pill, what you should do is try for yourself, with that knowledge. The issue is when women take the pill and don't realize that it's that medication that is making them not want intimacy. Hence the value of the warning. The warning doesn't mean "don't even try". It means "be aware of how you're feeling on this medication, and know you can try others".

That’s not at all the dialog around the pill. Very few people are taking about experimenting with different formulations. People just come in all hot saying how “the pill” is terrible. Unsurprising that this is what people hear.