Anonymous wrote:My husband has said "F u" exactly twice to me in our 13 years of marriage and has never called me names. There are actual decent men out there. It's not worth it to be with someone who is so terrible to you. Your kid will grow up thinking it's ok to call her that or will call you names herself. Counseling for him and you together or that's it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before divorce or therapy, try setting a specific boundary.

"Hey DH. We've discussed many times you not flinging insults, using the middle finger, and threatening divorce when we disagree. I just wanted to let you know that if that happens again, I'm going to leave the room/house/whatever. It means a lot to me not to hear those words. That's just how I am."

See how the boundary is about what you want, not about him? It's clear, it's not an insult, so he should be able to take it well (if he doesn't, that's a big flag).

Then try it several times. If he doesn't let you enforce the boundary - for example if he follows you around the house calling you psycho - that's another really big red flag.

In the meantime, document everything. You have a pretty good case for cruelty in family court, but you need it in court-admissible format. Dates and times with specific but emotion-free descriptions of what happened. What he's doing is straight up verbal and emotional abuse since it's a pattern. If he can't/won't stop when you enforce a boundary, that's a really big flag.

OP: When we had a newborn and were very sleep deprived and stressed, he got into a habit of saying “f*** you” to me when we were fighting. I told him it was a boundary for me, and I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. I told him to never do it again. It happened again. And again. I eventually told him if he said it to me again, I would file for divorce. Of course, it happened again. And again.

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until he does this to your toddler. This is abuse. You are responsible for protecting you kid from witnessing their mother's abuse and experiencing it themselves - is this what you want for yourself and your kid. Fix it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay.
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

That’s. NOT. Love.

I agree with this. My parents marriage wasn't perfect, but my father never once cursed at my mother, or called her any names. He'd slam doors or cabinets, but that's it.

At least not that you saw.

Anonymous wrote:The frequency of his comments, the use of gestures and the lack of remorse all suggest this is unfixable and goes way beyond the stress all new parents face.

I would stop talking to him about your feelings, stop debriefing and stop trying to create intimacy. I would insist on a separation and explain that you plan to eventually divorce. Keep it simple: You can say that as a mother you cannot let a growing child witness this or god forbid be subject to it. He will say you’re exaggerating, you’re selfish, kid will never hear, etc. but do not waver or get sucked into an argument.

After a few months you can consider what it would take to rebuild, but I don’t think he loves you or family life enough to put in the work to fix himself. He will always believe he isn’t crossing the line into misogyny or verbal abuse, but he is. And once he is comfortable seeing himself as the victim, financial or romantic betrayal is around the corner.

Anonymous wrote:Every time my DH and I bicker even the slightest, he resorts to name calling and giving me the middle finger. We will have disagreements about who is dropping the baby at daycare that day, and he’ll end up calling me a psycho and giving me the middle finger.

He is constantly using insults that are specific to women and their mental health: psycho, rage case, hysterical, b*, etc. I have asked him time and time again to stop, especially with the very pointed mental health insults. I struggled with postpartum depression for months after our baby was born, and it is very fresh.

At this point, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being called psycho for expressing any emotional response. I try my hardest to let his insults roll off my back, but maybe that’s why it keeps happening? Maybe I should show him what psycho looks like instead of just crying at the kitchen sink.

WWYD?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay.
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

That’s. NOT. Love.

I agree with this. My parents marriage wasn't perfect, but my father never once cursed at my mother, or called her any names. He'd slam doors or cabinets, but that's it.

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion perhaps, but there is no excuse for name calling and being given the middle finger by your spouse. None. It doesn’t matter what you said first or what you did first. It doesn’t matter if you stood over his bed with a pot lid and wooden spoon to wake him up. It’s still not okay.
He doesn’t love you. That’s not love.

That’s. NOT. Love.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you still married to this freak?

OP: I know marriage is hard, and we have a great deal of stress right now. While I didn’t include it in the post, I know I have my faults too. I know I make snide comments and add fuel to the fire sometimes during a fight too. I’m not trying to project as a poor, abused wife who just quivers in the corner. And we have kids. So, yeah.