Anonymous wrote:She’s 15 she should’ve been doing this since she was 5. Stop coddling her.

Then what is his excuse? He is a grown ass man probably in his 30s or 40s.

Depression is a mental health issue. Not excusing OP’s husband’s lack of accountability but being clinically depressed is not just being down or blue. It can be paralyzing and while medication can help some, it does not make the depression go away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone is cleaning up after themselves you wouldn’t need anyone to do the dishes everyone would do their own dishes. Make that the rule.

I was the first person to respond. Everyone cleans up after themselves in my house, but there are still pots, serving dishes, etc. someone has to wash those, unload the dishwasher, etc. again, I'm fine with that, but your husband sounds lazy/depressed/adhd. Whenever I point out my dh's deficiencies around stuff like this, he lashes out.

This is OP. He has ADHD and is depressed and is medicated for both. But the messiness/disorganization still persists.

Can you just get rid of him? He's unemployed, disorganized, messy, has ADHD and is depressed. Sounds like a total drag.

Perhaps the next time you are less than perfect, we should have you put down?

I suspect OP married her husband because he has a few other qualities. Your attitude is disgusting.

So much for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

I have a 16 year old son. He cleans up after himself and takes the trash out. I feel like even though that's for the entire family, it's reasonable to have a chore at that age. I would never relegate all of the cleaning to him, however.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone is cleaning up after themselves you wouldn’t need anyone to do the dishes everyone would do their own dishes. Make that the rule.

I was the first person to respond. Everyone cleans up after themselves in my house, but there are still pots, serving dishes, etc. someone has to wash those, unload the dishwasher, etc. again, I'm fine with that, but your husband sounds lazy/depressed/adhd. Whenever I point out my dh's deficiencies around stuff like this, he lashes out.

This is OP. He has ADHD and is depressed and is medicated for both. But the messiness/disorganization still persists.

Can you just get rid of him? He's unemployed, disorganized, messy, has ADHD and is depressed. Sounds like a total drag.

I have a husband with ADHD/ASD and messy, hoarding tendencies.

This is a hill to die on, OP.

A child does NOT clean up after a messy parent. You, as the spouse, since you are OK not divorcing right now, can choose to shoulder some of that burden. But a child should not pay for the ineptitude of a parent.

I would make that clear to him in the harshest of terms. His kids are not his slaves.
In my house, we have had numerous bitter arguments about his habits and the burden it puts on the rest of the household. He lashes out, he gaslights, he has tantrums. I will not budge when it comes to protecting my children.

Anonymous wrote:If everyone is cleaning up after themselves you wouldn’t need anyone to do the dishes everyone would do their own dishes. Make that the rule.

THIS

Anonymous wrote:In our house, we clean up together or split the chores. However, with someone like him, this won’t work. Rotating won’t work either. The only thing that may work is cleaning together, and giving him specific chores you can monitor- you wipe table while I fill dishwasher- if that doesn’t work -You will have to clean up after him. He’s your spouse. Don’t let her do it.

+1 to this. I like getting my kids involved in cleaning with me - and that might mean they clean up after someone who is not themselves. However if we're all contributing it doesn't really matter who's cleaning up who's mess.

But if he's not contributing, that's not something I would put on a teen.

OP, a good book for you and your DH to read is How to Keep House While Drowning. If it’s hard for him to read, listen to it on Audible.

It’s written by a therapist who has ADHD herself and experienced post-partum depression. It will give your DH some help in understanding where he may be stuck. It will help you understand better what he’s barriers he’s facing.

They should clean together.

I appreciate the compassion a PP had for OP’s DH but I think the fact he’s “dealing” with it by trying to pawn it off on your DD is absolutely inexcusable. I would 100 percent draw a red line at that (and I’d be furious).

If you were doing these chores before and now no longer are willing to because he’s home and not working, that’s very understandable but likely stings a little bit. We have a wonderful neighbor who is unemployed and I know he treats applying for work like a job and tries to keep similar boundaries in place both to keep himself moving but also to not go crazy and I have really respected his approach. I would make it clear to your DD this is not her problem to solve, and let her know the two of you will work with a professional on a plan.

Then I’d go back to therapy and calmly explain what happened and how putting this on your daughter is a nonstarter and frame this more as something like “I have always hated this, I am at my breaking point and it seems to me that you have the ability right better now and I really need you to try”. Then support him however you can with EF coaching etc (which might make him more efficient during the day too!)

FWIW our situation is not the same but I have strong feelings because my DD was diagnosed with ADHD and it was during that process we basically all realized my DH very likely has it too. I have done a lot of scaffolding for both of them and lately I’ve seen some real improvements in my husband’s ability to set up systems that make him efficient and effective. We do tons of checklists, alarms on phones, reminders and write absolutely everything down. I think he actually feels a lot happier and calmer now that’s he’s not missing things and feeling like he’s messed up.

He doesn’t mind cleaning as much as your husband but he has very little ability to kind of just keep things clean (which frustrates me because we sometimes work from home on the same days and I do little bits all day but he just generates more dishes most of the time. It has to be CLEAN UP TIME and he usually listens to stand up comedy or something in the background to make it more palatable. Perhaps rather than keeping the kitchen clean you could ask that at x time he goes and cleans up the day? I think the idea of keeping a space clean indefinitely feels impossible to some people.

Anonymous wrote:Just to clarify, he makes food for himself, not the family?

He is home all day and will make himself breakfast, snacks, lunch and tea and all of these plates and pans are in the sink when I get home, kitchen counters are not wiped down and floor full of crumbs. Before he was laid off, he worked from home, so same thing but I kind of “ate” it then because he had a really demanding job.

Anonymous wrote:You aren't wrong. My dad was like this -- believed it was the job if the kids to keep everything clean. He's even "joke" that that was why they'd had kids.

Tell your DH this will ruin his relationship with his daughter. It's fine to expect her to do chores but she isn't his maid.

I agree with this. My dad was the same way and my sister and I haven’t spoken to him in 14 years. My 15 year old cleans up after herself only. We all do. Sometimes she will spray and wipe down the counters or kitchen table for disinfecting purposes as a chore but no visible mess. No one should have to clean up the cooking mess someone else made.

You aren't wrong. My dad was like this -- believed it was the job if the kids to keep everything clean. He's even "joke" that that was why they'd had kids.

Tell your DH this will ruin his relationship with his daughter. It's fine to expect her to do chores but she isn't his maid.

Just to clarify, he makes food for himself, not the family?