Anonymous
Post 07/27/2025 01:37     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Honestly, all dementia patients need is to be contained (in a room for example), fed, cleaned. The fact that it costs so much is mind boggling. They don’t need all the fancy activities really. Turn on some music or an audiobook, or tv.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2025 01:04     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:This thread is so dark! We have had a great experience with memory care at a local Sunrise assisted living facility. They are very caring and go out of their way to provide lots of activities, stimulation, exercise, etc. Of course they are locked facilities — that’s necessary when your clients don’t know where they are and try to wander off. This is a way to provide a dignified place for people whose minds are not functioning anymore.


Good sales pitch. You can say it’s good for clients but how is it for the families and patients.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 22:28     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP we had a similar experience with my parents' financial planner. Guy spent 30 minutes telling my mom that memory care was a scam and unreliable but then he didn't even offer an alternate suggestion. Just told her to talk to an elder care attorney to figure out Medicaid eligibility. And I'd bet a million dollars that he gets kick backs from the attorney for references.

They're all a bunch of slime balls who don't understand the reality of elder care. It's all just numbers on a screen. When I previously brought up that my parents don't have enough money to cover extensive memory care or skilled nursing (my grandma's side of the family all had dementia), he brushed it off saying "most people don't live long once they reach that stage." Which may be true, but hoping to die quickly is not what I want them to base their financial decisions on.


It’s not the lawyer’s fault that you asked for advice outside his scope and got referred to a more specialized practitioner. The rules on referral fees typically require them to track actual value added. I know a lot of attorneys and I don’t know anybody who pays just for referral.

I think the marketing term “memory care” is one of the most cynical things ever devised by the caretaking sales industry. Nobody is getting any “care” for their “memory.” They’re getting a more specialized form of custodial care adapted to the unique challenges of persons with dementia. I don’t think the idea of specialized, tailored care is a scam, but I’m not sure that a “memory care” unit is the only place to find it.

If you’re concerned about needing help with care costs, the best person to consult is an experienced attorney affiliated with the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Medicaid rules are complex, subject to change, and present catastrophic traps for the unwary. This is not a place for crowdsourcing, amateur night or non-expert advice.


We didn't ask him for advice outside his scope. It was financial planning - that included planning to pay for incredibly expensive end of life care. We told him how much the memory care homes were charging and asked how it would factor into the planning, and he went off on a rant about how they were all scams and nothing is reliable and basically that my mom was screwed. Ok fine, but my dad was not safe at home and needed to be in memory care whether it was a scam or not.

We ended up working with a different elder care attorney to help us navigate Medicaid, and they never once said memory care was a scam. They just outlined the pros and cons of various options. I would have expected better of OP's attorney since they deal with this situation on a regular basis. They know people don't have good choices when it comes to dementia care, and they shouldn't make things worse than it already is.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 22:13     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, we need euthanasia for people with dementia.

Good lord, PP!


PP isn't wrong. DH and I have discussed this with each other and will share our plans with our children when they're adults. I hope there's a legal option by the time we need it. I would 100% sign something giving POA to my loved ones to make the call if I'm to the point where I'm combative or can't remember my own name.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 21:57     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, we need euthanasia for people with dementia.

Good lord, PP!
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 18:39     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
This thread is so dark! We have had a great experience with memory care at a local Sunrise assisted living facility. They are very caring and go out of their way to provide lots of activities, stimulation, exercise, etc. Of course they are locked facilities — that’s necessary when your clients don’t know where they are and try to wander off. This is a way to provide a dignified place for people whose minds are not functioning anymore.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 17:11     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:PP ^^ I forgot to add that a prison-like environment is exactly what dementia patients need. But you do have to visit a lot because the quality varies a ton.

Home care is not even an option unless you are super rich (or middle class by DCUM standards ).


Even if you are rich, home care may not work for some dementia patients (particularly violent ones) and home care agencies may refuse to care for them.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 17:06     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, we need euthanasia for people with dementia.


People with dementia can’t consent to that.


We need a system where you can authorize medical aid in dying /euthanasia before you become incapacitated. I would 100% sign that form watching my mother and aunt suffer from dementia.

She was a registered nurse and asumir she wanted a DNR. No way would she want to live like this. She had a pet scan and you can clearly see her brain has atrophied.

I'm trying to figure out how to do that for myself in case I follow the 3 maternal generations before me and also get dementia.

I just talked to my 85yo mother who is now in mid-level dementia. When she heard my name, she still knew I was her daughter. However she described her vegetable garden to me, and how they have pots and wire around them to keep the animals out. I asked what vegetables she was growing and her sister overheard us and said we aren't growing vegetables this year. She lives close (20 yards) to her sister and thinks her sister is a camp director. She wakes up at night, doesn't recognize her husband and stumbles over in the dark to tell her sister there is a strange man in her bed.

If I get to this point, please allow me to exit legally. The trick is if you want to handle matters, at what point prior to this is the signal that if you don't act now, it will soon be too late?
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 15:11     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, we need euthanasia for people with dementia.


People with dementia can’t consent to that.


We need a system where you can authorize medical aid in dying /euthanasia before you become incapacitated. I would 100% sign that form watching my mother and aunt suffer from dementia.

She was a registered nurse and asumir she wanted a DNR. No way would she want to live like this. She had a pet scan and you can clearly see her brain has atrophied.

Agree with this. If ever I was in memory decline, early on, I’d make arrangements for the pod. Let my family know this is my wish.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 14:32     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, we need euthanasia for people with dementia.


People with dementia can’t consent to that.


We need a system where you can authorize medical aid in dying /euthanasia before you become incapacitated. I would 100% sign that form watching my mother and aunt suffer from dementia.

She was a registered nurse and asumir she wanted a DNR. No way would she want to live like this. She had a pet scan and you can clearly see her brain has atrophied.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 13:12     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, we need euthanasia for people with dementia.


People with dementia can’t consent to that.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 12:12     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Ugh, we need euthanasia for people with dementia.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 12:04     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
Anonymous wrote:OP we had a similar experience with my parents' financial planner. Guy spent 30 minutes telling my mom that memory care was a scam and unreliable but then he didn't even offer an alternate suggestion. Just told her to talk to an elder care attorney to figure out Medicaid eligibility. And I'd bet a million dollars that he gets kick backs from the attorney for references.

They're all a bunch of slime balls who don't understand the reality of elder care. It's all just numbers on a screen. When I previously brought up that my parents don't have enough money to cover extensive memory care or skilled nursing (my grandma's side of the family all had dementia), he brushed it off saying "most people don't live long once they reach that stage." Which may be true, but hoping to die quickly is not what I want them to base their financial decisions on.


It’s not the lawyer’s fault that you asked for advice outside his scope and got referred to a more specialized practitioner. The rules on referral fees typically require them to track actual value added. I know a lot of attorneys and I don’t know anybody who pays just for referral.

I think the marketing term “memory care” is one of the most cynical things ever devised by the caretaking sales industry. Nobody is getting any “care” for their “memory.” They’re getting a more specialized form of custodial care adapted to the unique challenges of persons with dementia. I don’t think the idea of specialized, tailored care is a scam, but I’m not sure that a “memory care” unit is the only place to find it.

If you’re concerned about needing help with care costs, the best person to consult is an experienced attorney affiliated with the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Medicaid rules are complex, subject to change, and present catastrophic traps for the unwary. This is not a place for crowdsourcing, amateur night or non-expert advice.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 09:43     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
PP ^^ I forgot to add that a prison-like environment is exactly what dementia patients need. But you do have to visit a lot because the quality varies a ton.

Home care is not even an option unless you are super rich (or middle class by DCUM standards ).
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2025 09:40     Subject: Elder attorney told family that memory care is a scam
OP we had a similar experience with my parents' financial planner. Guy spent 30 minutes telling my mom that memory care was a scam and unreliable but then he didn't even offer an alternate suggestion. Just told her to talk to an elder care attorney to figure out Medicaid eligibility. And I'd bet a million dollars that he gets kick backs from the attorney for references.

They're all a bunch of slime balls who don't understand the reality of elder care. It's all just numbers on a screen. When I previously brought up that my parents don't have enough money to cover extensive memory care or skilled nursing (my grandma's side of the family all had dementia), he brushed it off saying "most people don't live long once they reach that stage." Which may be true, but hoping to die quickly is not what I want them to base their financial decisions on.