She’s gaslighting and playing little old victim who never gets invited over (despite being invited and declining) to get attention, sympathy and most importantly compliance with her upcoming demand. She wants you to apologize and gush over her while she invites herself over for a performative holiday visit. She wants to be entertained, get holiday photos, and be fawned over. She may have main character syndrome.

This is not sustainable. As the kids get older, they will NOT want to celebrate their birthdays with granny being center stage. They’ll have sports or a test to study or they’ll want to do things as friends. They will have zero interest in celebrating St Patrick’s day, Valentines Day and the other minor holidays.

What do you do..

1. Don’t enable the manipulative gaslighting. When she fusses about how she’s never invited, be direct and clear listing all the recent times she has declined or bailed.
2. Do not change your plans for whatever holiday or event for her. If it works to invite her, let her come if it doesn’t then don’t.

I think people are being unreasonably harsh. Imagine you have a friend who isn’t there for anything other than fun. Is that truly a friend? It sounds self-serving, and that’s not what friend OR family are. Why does this grandma get a pass, “because she raised her kids already”? This gives her the privilege of not showing up and then expecting to be catered to on her terms? I understand OPs frustration.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are angry that she isn’t more involved, and you see that as her not really caring about you or your kids. You resent that she engages with you and your kids 100% on her terms, and you feel you are expected to be grateful for her crumbs and expected to cater to what she wants.

OP here. This is exactly how I feel. She can’t be bothered unless it’s a calendar holiday—and all of them: she suddenly HAS to come trick or treating, or HAS to be there with all things green for St. Patrick’s Day, and of course the big holidays and birthdays. But a random dinner invite? She can’t be bothered. You’re spot on that it’s only on her terms, and it seems she only wants it when she can somehow be the center of attention. It is hurtful and I do resent being expected to ask how high when she says “jump”.

Drop the rope. Do not invite her to random events. Start planning how you WANT to include her in holidays and then hold your boundary. If you don't want her to ToT, tell her no. If you don't mind if she comes, great.

You are entitled to your resentment. BUT. If you want a relationship with your mother (and her with your kids) you need to first manage your expectations, and then figure out your boundaries, and then enforce those boundaries even if she throws a fit. If you think she'd be receptive to your feedback about this dynamic, you could try talking to her (when you are feeling calm about it all) but most older people are NOT receptive I've found.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t deny your kid a visit from his grandma on his birthday op. Be the adult. I get what you are saying but you need to let her attend if she wants to. She’s destroying the relationship on her own don’t help her.

This. If she treats your kids nicely and the worst she does is bail on you, then I would grit and let it go. But if she insults you or your family then yeah you can work on bigger boundaries

“Sorry mom, we won’t be around. Let’s catch up later on.”

You don’t have to cave to every demand. If she wants to start ww3 that’s her choice. You can play innocent here - “you’ve cancelled the last 3 visits, we can’t continue to plan things that you bail on.” Maybe she will make more of an effort.

Don’t deny your kid a visit from his grandma on his birthday op. Be the adult. I get what you are saying but you need to let her attend if she wants to. She’s destroying the relationship on her own don’t help her.

Growing up, after a series of similar, my mother’s last straw was the time her father came into town and didn’t visit her, not even for a coffee. She excommunicated him and at the time, I thought it was way harsh. But now I deal with something similar with my ILs and I get it. I don’t think it’s something you can understand until you’re dealing with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really get the issue here tbh.

+1 Just invite her to birthdays and holidays. Problem solved.

This. What’s the issue, OP?

The problem here is your expectations. She's 20 minutes away, you expect to see her casually every few weeks or month or so. But she has shown you time and time again: That's not who she is. She's a four-times-a-year-on-special-occasions grandma. She's not going to change. Stop expecting her to be someone else. Stop inviting her to routine activities or casual dinners, make plans with her around special occasions and enjoy her company then.

First of all, why do you continue to invite her to things? The next holiday is Thanksgiving so I suggest you wait until then. Once she doesn’t hear from you, she might pick up the phone wondering where you have been. I guess she never invites you and your family to her place?

Also, please explain who she is playing the victim to. I am imaging she walks in the door and says to your kids, “I haven’t seen you in ages and I miss you”. Or, is she complaining to other relatives?

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread is crazy. I feel like if this was a man we were talking about, you’d all be calling him a dead beat and agreeing that he doesn’t just get to show up for the fun things. DCUM never ceases to amaze me!

By "a man" do you mean a father? Or a grandfather? Because we're talking about a grandparent here, not a parent -- which is the OP.

I think this thread is crazy. I feel like if this was a man we were talking about, you’d all be calling him a dead beat and agreeing that he doesn’t just get to show up for the fun things. DCUM never ceases to amaze me!

The grandkids probably don't care about random days.
She's not as into you and your little family as you want her to be.
Face that. Let go of trying to change the terms of the parental relationship.
Invite her for birthdays and holidays.
If she initiates complaints say hey want to come over this weekend? Ok, well another time let us know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are angry that she isn’t more involved, and you see that as her not really caring about you or your kids. You resent that she engages with you and your kids 100% on her terms, and you feel you are expected to be grateful for her crumbs and expected to cater to what she wants.

OP here. This is exactly how I feel. She can’t be bothered unless it’s a calendar holiday—and all of them: she suddenly HAS to come trick or treating, or HAS to be there with all things green for St. Patrick’s Day, and of course the big holidays and birthdays. But a random dinner invite? She can’t be bothered. You’re spot on that it’s only on her terms, and it seems she only wants it when she can somehow be the center of attention. It is hurtful and I do resent being expected to ask how high when she says “jump”.

OP it sounds as if your mom is more adept at being a narcissist than you are but that's only because she's had more time to practice. From the sound of things though I take it you have been working very hard to catch up. Just keep at it I'm sure you'll get there.

+1
OP has to learn how to be a narcissist somewhere. Usually narcissistic mothers produce at least 1 narcissistic daughter, and maybe a couple other broken but not narcissistic children. OP is the narcissist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her behavior is telling you what she's willing to participate in. You're not getting the message that she doesn't want to do the mundane stuff. Why do you keep hoping she will?

I understand what you’re saying. But then why does she play the victim card and act like we have been avoiding her? I guess that’s the part I can’t wrap my head around. If she knows she only wants the fun of holidays, why act like you’ve been wronged the rest of the year?

Literally just respond with the list of invites she declined. Then say 'it sounds like you only want to do the fun stuff with us, but we are in the boring thick of raising small children and it's not always a party'