I dated a guy who took care of his father when he had cancer. He was very resentful of the mother for not helping. He thinks of his mother as very selfish. His dad who died of cancer also was not good to the mom and definitely verbally abusive, not sure about physical.

I think he just had a bad relationship with both parents. Most of his resentment for his mom was her complete lack of help.

If he gets dementia how is he going to dispute custody? You’ll just stop sending your dd to him, end of story. You can even more, how is he going to file a motion if he has dementia? No responsibilty. Smart of you to be getting out now. Not your problem unless you want to be his DPOA and make sure DD gets his money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your DD is going to end up taking care of him, maybe while she is quite young. It will likely be very hard. Your role is to assist and support her. I suggest saving money to prepare.

Sincerely, someone who became her father's next of kin, POA, and only surviving relative on her 18th birthday.

This is Op and this is the exact scenario that woke me up from a dead sleep. I don’t want to share a household or life with him but to put this on my DD would be absolutely awful.

NP - who is he depending on now to make any life or death medical decisions after you divorce and while your child is minor? Does he have any cousins that he is close to? One of my relatives stepped in to help their cousin who was an only child, didn’t have children and parents had passed away.

In the end it’s not your circus and not your monkeys so you have no responsibility beyond your daughter. As other people mentioned, your daughter’s safety and making sure she knows how to set boundaries are your responsibilities.

Do females on the paternal side get early onset also?
DD needs to think about long term care insurance if so.

This will not be your problem. You have zero duty to take care of him if he gets ill. The burden may fall on your daughter if she is an adult and there are no other family members, so at that point you may decide whether you want to help your daughter out in some way. But solely where you are concerned, you have neither a moral duty nor a legal duty once you are divorced.

You're not obligated once your DD's safety is no longer in question. But you do have a duty to your DD if you think he is unsafe to drive with her in the car or any other clear safety issues. The options for this are not great, legally and practically, I'm sorry to say.

It may be very hard for her as a young adult unless she is willing to estrange. And that is just a different kind of hard.

Not your concern. At all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised your father has lived so many years with early dementia (15+?); they usually don’t live as long, especially when symptoms arise that early.

No, you have no obligation to your ex, legally or morally. And you have no evidence that his behavior is related to dementia. Your only focus should be on your DD, snd his impact on her but you do not have to be his caregiver. His old is your DD? Old enough to have a cell phone and call you if things get dicey?

My mother had early onset dementia in her mid 50s and lived 15 years. The absence of other age-related health issues led to longer life span and other issues - in dementia unit, she was much more active and hard to handle for staff.
The problem I see here is lack of medical diagnosis for dementia. It’s hard to get that, until late stage.
Consult an elder care lawyer for advice.

My FIL has been going for 20+ years and has only recently developed physical complications. It was quite scary when his body was robust but his memory was gone. He would escape and walk for hours. Once he went 15 miles in the winter before the police finally found him, and was totally unaffected by it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t take on a problem that doesn’t exist. Your DH may or may not develop dementia one day. He may or may not have another girlfriend or even wife by then. You don’t need to waste your headspace worrying about something that’s not a problem right now. Focus on your divorce and your new future.

This.

OP and I hope that’s true. Unfortunately every single person on his paternal side has gone through this- not just his dad’s dad’s side of the family but both his paternal grandparents’ lines. His childhood was spent surrounded by relatively young relatives with dementia, which I think had a bigger impact on him that anyone will ever understand.

When we were younger he was open about it and we got big life insurance policies and were frugal about money just in case. Then he became quite cavalier. At various points both I and his doctor asked him to seek genetic testing or enroll in regular monitoring and clinical studies at the major teaching hospital we live near, and he refused.

Anonymous wrote:Abusive XH.

I stayed involved more than I was comfortable in order to try to protect my then-youngest. Two suicide attempts and then he drank himself to death.

It was awful and thankless.

OP and DH isn’t much of a drinker but has used threats of suicide to manipulate conversations. In the back of my head I’ve always wondered how serious he is about them. At one point I told him I would have to call 988 or 911 if he said it again. I’m sorry you went through this. It had definitely influenced how long I’ve stayed.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t take on a problem that doesn’t exist. Your DH may or may not develop dementia one day. He may or may not have another girlfriend or even wife by then. You don’t need to waste your headspace worrying about something that’s not a problem right now. Focus on your divorce and your new future.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't men tend to find a replacement wife/girlfriend very quickly? This will be her problem.

If they don’t have kids, they don’t stick around.

Wife #2 left in less than a year when his family cut him off financially. She also tried to get me to testify about the abuse I suffered that she claimed he bragged to her about.

Unfortunately, I am in kind of a similar situation as OP - abuse, driven perhaps by underlying undiagnosed/untreated illness. He definitely found other women quickly. He re-married, and I was hopeful for my kid’s sake, that his wife would take care of him. Unfortunately, without kids, it was quite easy for her to end the marriage. And, he spent a lot of money that he really couldn’t afford trying to keep her happy.

Within 6 months of the demise of his second marriage, he had already found a girlfriend he introduced to the kids. Maybe she’ll take care of him?

OP, I think the best that you can do is model for your daughter how to draw boundaries and politely saying no to him. I also had to explain to my kids that, even though they are in their twenties, they do not have the life experience to help him. They don’t know enough about people, relationships, health issues, legal issues, etc. The best thing they can do is empathize with a problem he expresses, and then re-direct him to his friend and sibling network for support as well as social/government support networks. And, maybe get her some individual therapy to understand abuse, what is appropriate for her as a child of divorce, and how to draw healthy boundaries.