Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

You told them you had dinner plans. I can’t lie, I’d be incredibly hurt if my sibling told me they had to miss my wedding because of a dinner.

Are you saying now that your children are flying in to see you? Was this explained to your BIL?

Alternatively, springing an Australia wedding on siblings with 4 weeks notice is an indication that they don’t actually have to come.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I only mentioned the cathedral because that seemed to signal that they wanted to hold a big, opulent event that would require lots of advance notice and planning. And we would have loved the run-up and the event itself. As it is, it now sounds like their wedding is going to be more low-key.

Thanks to your comments, I'm coming around to the view that he should go solo to his brother's wedding, to avoid any long-term resentment from them. Although I was included on the invitation, I'll still take my lovely children and brother to the restaurant and try to find a window for a repeat when everyone can be there - and be relaxed and happy - even though that's unlikely to be any time this year now.

I've never had an issue with DH's family before, but this has opened my eyes to some dynamics. Not least, the way the celebration plans for his wife (i.e. me) are dismissed. I also wonder whether BIL's fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding were similarly dismissed. I've in the past detected a hint of familial misogyny - not from DH - but the all-male environment when they're together can get a bit much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I only mentioned the cathedral because that seemed to signal that they wanted to hold a big, opulent event that would require lots of advance notice and planning. And we would have loved the run-up and the event itself. As it is, it now sounds like their wedding is going to be more low-key.

Thanks to your comments, I'm coming around to the view that he should go solo to his brother's wedding, to avoid any long-term resentment from them. Although I was included on the invitation, I'll still take my lovely children and brother to the restaurant and try to find a window for a repeat when everyone can be there - and be relaxed and happy - even though that's unlikely to be any time this year now.

I've never had an issue with DH's family before, but this has opened my eyes to some dynamics. Not least, the way the celebration plans for his wife (i.e. me) are dismissed. I also wonder whether BIL's fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding were similarly dismissed. I've in the past detected a hint of familial misogyny - not from DH - but the all-male environment when they're together can get a bit much.

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

You can still have the birthday dinner - just not with your DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t going because you have dinner reservations?

Obviously, you don’t need to go, and you can do what you like, and your BIL shouldn’t pressure you, but your reason seems to be a dinner reservation.

I can see why he is hurt.

He’s hurt because he has a personality disorder and the rest of the family accommodates it. That said, unless OP wants to go to the grave hearing about this, she needs to cancel the dinner and send her DH to Australia.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

You told them you had dinner plans. I can’t lie, I’d be incredibly hurt if my sibling told me they had to miss my wedding because of a dinner.

Are you saying now that your children are flying in to see you? Was this explained to your BIL?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. It helps to get some outside perspective. Just to add some more context: the birthday dinner actually feels like a more important event to me than the party, because I'll have all my children around me - something that happens infrequently because of their busy lives (and they have already booked their flights home). So, to me, it's more than "a dinner reservation".
My husband is the party person and persuaded me that we should host a celebration for our friends. Believe me, I don't usually want a fuss over my birthday, but when plans started rolling I started to really look forward to the events.

I don't want to sway my husband either way - and when he first heard about his brother's wedding he was quick to say that we had plans and, sorry, we couldn't go. But the pressure he's getting from his brothers and father to go is really eating at him. On one hand, if he goes, I'll be resentful that they were so dismissive of the plans we had made. But if he doesn't go, there could be long-held resentment from them. I know I could be the bigger person here and go ahead with the family dinner, without him, but I find the thought of that, and the background to how it comes about, quite upsetting.