Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can ask anything you feel concerned about, just to be polite and let the host know you and your child’s nervous and no offense. I didn’t let mine do sleep over and glad I made the right decision, since I later heard the host invited a lot of friends/relatives and they all stayed, filled each room floor. It’s just too concerning if you don’t know anything in advance.

Absolutely NO: adult or teen males, and no guns (real or toy ones).

Wait, so do you expect the dads to leave when your kids are over? My kids have friends whose dads are super involved, as is my husband. They will often take the kids to activities and make them breakfast. I can't fathom telling the mom sorry, I need your husband to go stay in a hotel tonight while my kids spend the night.

I don’t think this is a big ask. The dad / adult boy(s) can just stay at a nearby relative or friends house for one night.

Why not?

Yeah presumably a relative or a friend who doesn’t have children, because we couldn’t expect such a home to host an adult male, right?

🫠

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can ask anything you feel concerned about, just to be polite and let the host know you and your child’s nervous and no offense. I didn’t let mine do sleep over and glad I made the right decision, since I later heard the host invited a lot of friends/relatives and they all stayed, filled each room floor. It’s just too concerning if you don’t know anything in advance.

Absolutely NO: adult or teen males, and no guns (real or toy ones).

Wait, so do you expect the dads to leave when your kids are over? My kids have friends whose dads are super involved, as is my husband. They will often take the kids to activities and make them breakfast. I can't fathom telling the mom sorry, I need your husband to go stay in a hotel tonight while my kids spend the night.

I don’t think this is a big ask. The dad / adult boy(s) can just stay at a nearby relative or friends house for one night.

Why not?

You have got to be joking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can ask anything you feel concerned about, just to be polite and let the host know you and your child’s nervous and no offense. I didn’t let mine do sleep over and glad I made the right decision, since I later heard the host invited a lot of friends/relatives and they all stayed, filled each room floor. It’s just too concerning if you don’t know anything in advance.

Absolutely NO: adult or teen males, and no guns (real or toy ones).

Wait, so do you expect the dads to leave when your kids are over? My kids have friends whose dads are super involved, as is my husband. They will often take the kids to activities and make them breakfast. I can't fathom telling the mom sorry, I need your husband to go stay in a hotel tonight while my kids spend the night.

I don’t think this is a big ask. The dad / adult boy(s) can just stay at a nearby relative or friends house for one night.

Why not?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn’t stay there if your house isn’t protected. I would never ask though because if I don’t already know the answer then we aren’t good enough friends for me to trust you with my child so it’s an instant no.

What does this mean?

Only houses with guns.

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn’t stay there if your house isn’t protected. I would never ask though because if I don’t already know the answer then we aren’t good enough friends for me to trust you with my child so it’s an instant no.

What does this mean?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can ask anything you feel concerned about, just to be polite and let the host know you and your child’s nervous and no offense. I didn’t let mine do sleep over and glad I made the right decision, since I later heard the host invited a lot of friends/relatives and they all stayed, filled each room floor. It’s just too concerning if you don’t know anything in advance.

Absolutely NO: adult or teen males, and no guns (real or toy ones).

Wait, so do you expect the dads to leave when your kids are over? My kids have friends whose dads are super involved, as is my husband. They will often take the kids to activities and make them breakfast. I can't fathom telling the mom sorry, I need your husband to go stay in a hotel tonight while my kids spend the night.

I've never asked and I've never been asked. My kids do sleepovers and have since they were young (in the neighborhood at young ages, then at friends' houses in other places) but I always knew the people pretty well.

I always disclose that we have dogs because they're Labradors and they're big and they're very friendly but they can knock you down and I can understand how they may seem scary at almost 100 pounds. I'm also sensitive to allergies because I'm deathly allergic to cats and would want to take a Zyrtec before going to someone's house with cats.

I don't disclose that we have guns. They're not used except at the range, we have no ammunition in the house, and they're kept in a safe that requires my husband's fingerprints that is located behind stuff in the top of a cabinet in the closet that's 9' from the ground (we have 10' ceilings in there and it is in the top row of cabinets). I would answer truthfully if someone asked but no one ever has.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can ask anything you feel concerned about, just to be polite and let the host know you and your child’s nervous and no offense. I didn’t let mine do sleep over and glad I made the right decision, since I later heard the host invited a lot of friends/relatives and they all stayed, filled each room floor. It’s just too concerning if you don’t know anything in advance.

Absolutely NO: adult or teen males, and no guns (real or toy ones).

So what do dads do during the sleepovers? Where do they go?

I remember my dad made himself scarce after dinner and just stayed in his own room since my friends and I would take over the family room. Leaving the house is crazy though.

Quite frankly, if you are uncomfortable with any males being in the house then you probably shouldn’t be sending kids on a sleepover. The reality is women can offend/abuse as well (SA is not as common for women, but it is not non-existent and other forms of abuse are more common).

That all being said, you do you. I have a family member who will not let her kids stay in houses with firearms. I believe that both questions are irrelevant. But everyone is different. It comes down to what you are most comfortable with. On these types of websites, you are normally (not always) going to find the extremes on either end.

Even dads and brothers can be creepy/inappropriate. I used to *hate* that my mom wouldn’t let me have sleepovers but now I totally get it. I don’t allow my kids to have sleepovers either, unless we as a family are staying with another family. Too many unknowns, and of course no one will disclose those things that we worry about.

I always go with the kids for play dates the first few times, or every time. No sleepovers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t consider a sleepover with a family I don’t already know the answers to the questions I would ask.

But the person who is most likely to molest your daughter or son is someone known to them or the family.

The best rule to follow is: no adult males or teen / tween males allowed in the sleepover house overnight. Period.

As if females never abuse anyone. Stupid gender bias leads to ignoring threats from women because the pp has decided men are the only threat.

I don’t ask either. I’d use my judgment for sleepovers but my kid had really only done them with people we know well.
I taught my kid about gun safety at a young age, as far as don’t touch and tell an adult. She knows guns kill people and injure people.
We own a gun, it’s locked in a safe in our bedroom.
Same with personal safety. Change in bathroom with door closed, make sure you’re covered when around others.
Don’t sit on adults Laps or snuggle with adults ( other than parents) etc.
She knows why.
She’s a young teen now but we’ve had this in place since she started pre K.

My oldest is going into hs, and I have always handled like you did — talk to parents and get to know them. For little kids, hanging out for a bit if we haven’t met prior is appropriate. I would always offer that as well. Plus, you might make a friend.

I have had parents of middle schoolers we’ve had over chat before dropping their kids off the first time. I try to at least introduce myself to parents. Especially as they get older though, re getting into trouble, I am more concerned about my comfort level with the kid.

Anyway, you can’t know everything about someone always, but you can learn a lot by getting to know people. You’d be surprised what comes up or what you observe. I had one instance when my kids were little where I saw a lot of red flags. I wouldn’t have been shocked if there was an unsecured gun or other danger. I just stuck around and talked (the mom was nice, just very lax/free range). Then basically made excuses in the future, and it was fine - relationship fizzled out, but it wouldn’t have worked anyway.

Re friend sleepovers, we didn’t allow in elementary school. Molesting or guns weren’t specific concerns, more that a lot can go wrong with so much time unsupervised. We have made some exceptions as the kids have gotten older.

Anonymous wrote:We've recently moved into the world of drop of playdates with families we don't really know - oldest is 5.5, he's been making new friends at camp and was invited over to play last weekend.

How do people handle this generally? It's not guns that worry me as much as creepy/crappy parents, but it's really hard to know/judge. I ended up staying for about 30 mins and chatting until both my kid and I felt comfortable, then I left. I don't think I'm comfortable just dropping my kid off at someone's house who's parent I've never met (we had just exchanged numbers via notes in backpacks from camp) so that felt like a reasonable middle ground. Interested to hear from other folks about how you handle this and how you feel about it.

My other concern is actually unsupervised screens. Like, I do not want my kid alone in a room with his friend and an iPad. Is that something to ask about? Will parents be honest? How best to phrase?

Would love some wisdom from parents of older kids who have been through this.

Anonymous wrote:We've recently moved into the world of drop of playdates with families we don't really know - oldest is 5.5, he's been making new friends at camp and was invited over to play last weekend.

How do people handle this generally? It's not guns that worry me as much as creepy/crappy parents, but it's really hard to know/judge. I ended up staying for about 30 mins and chatting until both my kid and I felt comfortable, then I left. I don't think I'm comfortable just dropping my kid off at someone's house who's parent I've never met (we had just exchanged numbers via notes in backpacks from camp) so that felt like a reasonable middle ground. Interested to hear from other folks about how you handle this and how you feel about it.

My other concern is actually unsupervised screens. Like, I do not want my kid alone in a room with his friend and an iPad. Is that something to ask about? Will parents be honest? How best to phrase?

Would love some wisdom from parents of older kids who have been through this.

You aren't ready for drop off play dates. And that's ok! But don't do it if you feel like you need to micromanage screens. I wouldn't let kids on a playdate have access to screens, but I wouldn't host a child whose parents had a lot of stipulations for how the kids spend their time at my house. It's too stressful. (My daughter has a friend whose mom is really particular about what she eats. It's not an allergy issue -- it's the mom's idea of what's healthy. I felt like I needed to text her to ask permission before every item the child put in her mouth at my house when they were here for a sleepover. It was trying. We haven't invited that child back.)