Most of the research and professional advice with addictions is you learn to detach with love. Sadly, your compassion and empathy can turn into enabling. Like you already do OP, be reinforcing when the person takes positive steps toward healing, but you absolutely should have boundaries, not only so you don't enable, but so the person doesn't bring you and your family down too.

My mother in are enabler and would be the first to post some of what people put here to try to make those who don't enable feel guilty. The healthiest my sister ever became was when mom was ill and unable to help, my sister hit rock bottom and finally got help. Intensive therapy and medication is amazing for her, but sadly once mom gets back to enabling mode that reinforcement seems to trump getting the right help.

Please remember any sibling with mental illness is not an anolomoy. They simply exhibit the symptoms of the entire family's dysfunction and/or genetic predispition.

Those of you who feel such distain, and nothing like that, should look at themselves more closely.

Be grateful it is your sibling carrying the weight of the family's genetic burden and dysfunction.

Scoff too much and a similar situation may crop up with your children.

It's bad karma to shout about your superiority compared to a sick sibling. They didn't do this on purpose

Please, have some compassion.

I cut them out

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder). She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again. She asked why she's there so often and I told her. Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family. For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year. Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore. Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away. I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us. I even offered to contribute towards a ride share. She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances. What do you propose I do differently?

My husband would have driven her home. Just try to learn how to be more generous with family members who are less fortunate than you. It’s worth it.

DP.

No. The poster offered money for a ride share. Obvs, sibling wanted to make the hosts drive them 80 miles round trip. Why can't sibling take the offered money and use it for a ride share? Instead, they want to be a victim because they are not getting their way.

We have a personality disordered relative. BIL gave her his old car. Soon, she had trashed it. That meant she had no way to get to holiday dinner. She wanted BIL or my spouse to drive her in the snowstorm an hour each way. That is putting my spouse at risk.

You have to say no to these people. They don't care if they hurt you and they do not have compassion for you. They need to get their mental illness sorted. If they don't, that's not my problem.

This relative of ours also stole two items (caught both times). Since I already have two personality disordered people in my family, I did not have room to deal with a third.

Signed,
Someone who has dealt with abuse/screaming/disparagement from two personality disordered relatives

If there’s also a child involved someone should drive them home. And she only offered to pay some of the transportation not all of it. And what do your relatives have to do with anything? They weren’t similar stories. There wasn’t a snow storm, no one is screaming. She asked for a ride home after Thanksgiving. That’s all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder). She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again. She asked why she's there so often and I told her. Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family. For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year. Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore. Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away. I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us. I even offered to contribute towards a ride share. She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances. What do you propose I do differently?

My husband would have driven her home. Just try to learn how to be more generous with family members who are less fortunate than you. It’s worth it.

DP.

No. The poster offered money for a ride share. Obvs, sibling wanted to make the hosts drive them 80 miles round trip. Why can't sibling take the offered money and use it for a ride share? Instead, they want to be a victim because they are not getting their way.

We have a personality disordered relative. BIL gave her his old car. Soon, she had trashed it. That meant she had no way to get to holiday dinner. She wanted BIL or my spouse to drive her in the snowstorm an hour each way. That is putting my spouse at risk.

You have to say no to these people. They don't care if they hurt you and they do not have compassion for you. They need to get their mental illness sorted. If they don't, that's not my problem.

This relative of ours also stole two items (caught both times). Since I already have two personality disordered people in my family, I did not have room to deal with a third.

Signed,
Someone who has dealt with abuse/screaming/disparagement from two personality disordered relatives

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder). She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again. She asked why she's there so often and I told her. Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family. For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year. Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore. Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away. I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us. I even offered to contribute towards a ride share. She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances. What do you propose I do differently?

My husband would have driven her home. Just try to learn how to be more generous with family members who are less fortunate than you. It’s worth it.

I have a brother and sister, both younger and both of whom struggle (and have for decades) with addiction and mental illness. (And we have a lot of those struggles in our family tree across generations.)

In my 50's I finally decided I was done trying to help, believing this rehab stint would be different, believing the outlandish awful tales of hardship (only to discover they weren't true), racing to the hospital for the latest dramatic life threatening rare illness (that turned out to be alcohol withdrawal), fielding requests for money, listening to all the ways in which I was failing them/a terrible person/didn't care/so terribly missed and needed/the only one who could help/the root of all their problems.....

I have been in therapy for 6 years, have gone very low contact with both of them, and have had to block my sister's husband from contacting me after he was vile and threatening for the umpteenth time.

Sadly, this also means that my kids are not in touch with their cousin. That is very difficult. But they are also not exposed to the craziness, the scariness, the anger, the nonfunctionality, and on and on... I can draw and maintain boundaries for them much more easily than for myself.

I am so much calmer and healthier without the roller coaster of my siblings' struggles. I am a better wife and mother, and my whole life is improved when I can manage not to engage. None of my efforts to help, over decades, actually made a difference anyway, so at least now I'm in better shape for those for whom I really can be useful.

It is so incredibly hard. Not a day goes by that I don't feel conflicted, worry about them, wish things were different, etc. But I do finally see that unless and until they really want things to change I'm powerless to help.

And I hold out hope that they will find their way out of the fog - that one of the rehabs will click, that something will turn around, and that one day I can rebuild a healthy adult relationship with them. I won't give that hope up as long as they're alive.

Without question, the help of an excellent therapist has been transformative for me, but also - finding a way to connect with others who know these challenges is invaluable. Friends who have experienced this and have needed to set boundaries will understand how hard that it. Organizations like Al-Anon or ACOA are wonderful resources also.

So maybe you can find a resource or two to help you manage this OP. There are no magic answers. What is best for you? What is best for your kids? Honest answers to those questions may give you a place to start.

Trust your gut, even if it's unpleasant or others make you feel guilty.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What good is having family if you reject/ abandon family members when they are flawed?

Some flaws are manageable and some aren’t. I would love to have a functional sibling. Unfortunately, her issues have included staying with a partner who is sexually attracted to children, which precludes me bringing my children to spend time with them. She’s also drained our parents dry of their assets and has no driver’s license, so I’m the one who provides assistance to them as they age, despite also working full-time, parenting three kids, etc., which further reduces any free time I might have. If you think I’m a bad person for prioritizing my own health and my immediate family’s health over that of my sibling, that’s your choice. You don’t have to live my life.

For poster above and others that have cut off, at what age did you tell your kids “why” they don’t see aunt/uncle and if then applies, cousins? Or have you? How honest were you and at what ages? If only tell little ones we don’t see uncle Larlo or aunt Larla because of the choices they have made without saying more, know risk is kids get message mixed up and worry they will be dropped too if mess up so do you just put it all out there early knowing kids can handle more than think and more protected if tell them more v sheltering them from what going on with family members?

I think our oldest was maybe 10 when we first started discussing her aunt's issues (addiction, personality disorder). She'd ask why her cousin was staying with her grandmother again, I explained her aunt was in the hospital again. She asked why she's there so often and I told her. Our younger two kids are less interested, but when the time comes, we'll offer age-appropriate explanations.

Also, I haven't cut her off, I just limit contact to what is tolerable for me and safe for my family. For example, she and her daughter were invited to Thanksgiving at our home last year, as they are every year. Our immediate family handles almost everything; my parents often come and will pick up something on the way to bring, but don't cook much anymore. Knowing this, my sister asked if I "wanted" to give them a ride home at the end of the day, when they live 40 miles away. I said, no, that would be too much for our family, but you and Larla are still welcome to join us. I even offered to contribute towards a ride share. She got huffy and said they would stay where they were welcome, i.e., where they live.

That's one of many similar instances. What do you propose I do differently?

My sister had severe schizophrenia and was in and out of hospitals when she was younger. None of us have cut her from our lives. She suffered silently for a long time before she could bring herself to discuss her symptoms. The toughest were hearing voices, visual hallucinations and acute anxiety.

She was a talented artist (painter). One day we went to the Guggenheim Museum. She asked to leave after ten minutes. She told us later that voices were screaming at her to get out of the museum. She said she would see what she called 3D babies in her living room and when she took a walk red doors would melt.

We went on vacations together. She married and had three children. She had ups and downs but wasn’t a violent or destructive person.

When you feel like it’s just too much for you to bear, just think of the person with the horrible disease that’s still not understood and maybe find some compassion in you.

Anonymous wrote:If your siblings have these kinds of issues, and lots of dysfunction (rehab, divorce, custody issues with kids, serious mental health diagnoses, etc.) how do you handle your relationship with them?

I love my siblings. I only want good things for them. I wish things were better. But they are adults and I can't fix their problems for them. I increasingly want to protect my peace, and my kids' peace. Is that selfish?

I just found out one of my siblings re-entered rehab this week. We were supposed to visit next month. My mom is still saying "please come!" but I've been through this before and I know they will want to have a bunch of family meetings where many people are angry to be participating, my mom cries and feels guilty, my dad gets angry, and nothing is really resolved or addressed. I can't do it. This was supposed to be a family vacation where my kids got to spend time with cousins, we did some fun summer activities and made some family memories. That's it.

Do I cancel? Am I ever going to have a normal relationship with them? Or is it just always going to be like this?

Would love to hear how others who have these family dynamics deal with it.

Cancel. This is not a vacation; it is yet another rally-round-the-sibling confab. You deserve better, including a real vacation.

I have been there.

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Anonymous wrote:I am that sibling. I have mental illness. I am held at a distance, made fun of, and dismissed or challenged when I say anything factual. I love my niece and nephew, but should probably try to love them less so it doesn't hurt so much that I am kept from them. We live 20 minutes away from each other and I've seen them twice this year.

What is your role in this estrangement? Why did your siblings decide to keep their distance?

Well, I have always been the Problem in my immediate family and nobody cared about my mental illness beyond whether or not I was well behaved, so that's how my brother views me. That's how he talked about me to the girlfriend who became his wife, and she's very much a "Stand By My Man" kind of woman, plus I'm poor and she's very rich so she thinks I'm classless and tacky. Oh plus I'm fat and have horrible skin and hair so she views me as ugly and messy. One time we went for a walk through a city and then sat to eat pizza outside, and my frizzy hair was frizzing as it does and messy, and my brother was all "Are you okay, you seem to not be taking care of yourself?" because the wind and sweating made my hair look extra awful. One time when my niece was an infant and I was over visiting she asked my brother if he smelled something. They made a big production of agreeing they smelled something awful, checked her diaper and determined it wasn't her and then stood silently staring at me. My brother has taught his kids to make fun of how I sneeze (it's a totally normal sneeze). I could go on and on.

What is your actual mental illness?

I have untreated ADHD and wasn't told until I was graduating from HS that I was diagnosed as depressed (also untreated). THen at 19 I found out I have a bunch of severe learning disabilities. As if that's not enough, I wouldn't be surprised if I was on the autism spectrum (probably what used to be called Aspergers). So in sum, I have a bunch of things, none of which are treated at all.

Maybe you can find other kids to enjoy and help. I would try to have fun with your niece and nephew when you can but find a way to fill the void that you feel is left without being around them.

Thanks for the idea - I'm not really interested in babysitting or anything for kids I'm not related to. I DO try to have fun with my niece and nephew - much easier with my nephew.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am that sibling. I have mental illness. I am held at a distance, made fun of, and dismissed or challenged when I say anything factual. I love my niece and nephew, but should probably try to love them less so it doesn't hurt so much that I am kept from them. We live 20 minutes away from each other and I've seen them twice this year.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. This is NOT meant to be dismissive but could it be your mental illness that leads you to believe others are laughing at you? I ask because my sister is bipolar and she is convinced of the same. Our family loves her and we feel deep pain that she struggle and we would never laugh or make fun of her. I’m so sorry to you and I hope you get the love and healing you deserve.

Nope, I'm not paranoid. They just both have a mean streak. It makes me sad they're teaching their 10 yr old to be the same way.

Anonymous wrote:I am that sibling. I have mental illness. I am held at a distance, made fun of, and dismissed or challenged when I say anything factual. I love my niece and nephew, but should probably try to love them less so it doesn't hurt so much that I am kept from them. We live 20 minutes away from each other and I've seen them twice this year.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. This is NOT meant to be dismissive but could it be your mental illness that leads you to believe others are laughing at you? I ask because my sister is bipolar and she is convinced of the same. Our family loves her and we feel deep pain that she struggle and we would never laugh or make fun of her. I’m so sorry to you and I hope you get the love and healing you deserve.

OP, my sibling just entered rebab for the fourth time after an arrest. I tried very hard for several years to try to help him, to the detriment of my own well-being which took a toll on my spouse and child. He shows no real desire to change so why should I try harder than he is? If I see him take moves that show he is serious about changing his life, I will support him, within reason. But I doubt that will happen. For now, I see him about twice a year when he's at my parents' house and maybe talk to him once a year. Although I almost don't even want to be around him that much because he's always sneaking to get booze and then reeking of it and neglecting his kids, whom my husband and I step in to watch. I think you're completely justified to not go see him.

Also, if you see them just a couple of times a year you could make a point to prepare for those times for your own sanity. If you see them less than five times a year maybe just put those dates on the calendar and spend a week preparing for them so that you can maximize your time with your niece and nephew. I wouldn't spend much time with the adults who don't treat you well. They are probably happy to treat you like a babysitter.