Anonymous wrote:And yes we have young kids so it's not so simple to just walk away. I would like to know more about what exactly I am dealing with (root of it, extent of it, is it personality disorder etc) before calling it quits.

None of that really matters, it would all be guesses anyway.

The behavior and his character are all you need.

If he wanted to change his behavior and character, HE would do so or HE would seek help.

Your kids need YOU to live in reality, OP, not to cling to his imaginary potential. He is who he is.

What has he been lying about?

OP, you can’t change him, even through a 3rd party.

I’d recommend the NAMI Family to Family course for you to learn about personality disorders.

Focus on a support network for you and the kids, maybe church with a good Sunday school for alternative values.

Therapy often makes the personality disordered better liars. Better to spend the $ and energy on your own co-dependence and ways to build your earning capacity.

Free resources for you: NAMI, Al Anon, Coda, Dr. Ramani vids on YT. When kids are 10 or so, Alateen.

Radical acceptance that this is how he is will help you most.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and son lies as a first reaction. It can be a symptom of adhd.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/

Thank you for this. I suspect this is at least partly the issue. And I also have a son who seems very comfortable lying. It always struck me as odd but now I am wondering about the connection with my husband and whether there is a genetic component. My son is still young (age 5), so I am not going to assume anything but he will tell lies of convenience, to get what he wants, or just seemingly out of boredom. It is multiple times a day, sometimes seemingly constant lies. I know all kids lie to some extent but this seems a bit out of the norm.

Can I ask how you manage to have a husband and a son with this issue? Does medication help?

I've given up on my dh. We basically coexist amicably. I work a lot with my son on scaffolding. I am leaving medication up to him. He is entering high school still getting straight As, but he may need it eventually.

Specifically wrt the lying, I explained to him that it is a symptom of impulsivity and that he needs to take a beat to respond. I also try not to phrase things in a way that causes him to lie and unfortunately I need to be more circumspect with the way I give feedback to both him and my dh. The both have rejection sensitivity dysmorphia.

Thank you for sharing. I assume this means your DH is able to be a contributing member of the family and can be trusted on some level? My fear is we won't even get to that point so you give me some hope. Coexisting amicably sounds nice to me right now.

I looked up rejecting sensitivity dysmorphia and I can definitely see a little of that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and son lies as a first reaction. It can be a symptom of adhd.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/

Thank you for this. I suspect this is at least partly the issue. And I also have a son who seems very comfortable lying. It always struck me as odd but now I am wondering about the connection with my husband and whether there is a genetic component. My son is still young (age 5), so I am not going to assume anything but he will tell lies of convenience, to get what he wants, or just seemingly out of boredom. It is multiple times a day, sometimes seemingly constant lies. I know all kids lie to some extent but this seems a bit out of the norm.

Can I ask how you manage to have a husband and a son with this issue? Does medication help?

I've given up on my dh. We basically coexist amicably. I work a lot with my son on scaffolding. I am leaving medication up to him. He is entering high school still getting straight As, but he may need it eventually.

Specifically wrt the lying, I explained to him that it is a symptom of impulsivity and that he needs to take a beat to respond. I also try not to phrase things in a way that causes him to lie and unfortunately I need to be more circumspect with the way I give feedback to both him and my dh. The both have rejection sensitivity dysmorphia.

Sounds exhausting. Sorry you have to deal with that.

Thank you for saying that. It is, but I would go to the ends of the earth for my son.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and son lies as a first reaction. It can be a symptom of adhd.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/

Thank you for this. I suspect this is at least partly the issue. And I also have a son who seems very comfortable lying. It always struck me as odd but now I am wondering about the connection with my husband and whether there is a genetic component. My son is still young (age 5), so I am not going to assume anything but he will tell lies of convenience, to get what he wants, or just seemingly out of boredom. It is multiple times a day, sometimes seemingly constant lies. I know all kids lie to some extent but this seems a bit out of the norm.

Can I ask how you manage to have a husband and a son with this issue? Does medication help?

I've given up on my dh. We basically coexist amicably. I work a lot with my son on scaffolding. I am leaving medication up to him. He is entering high school still getting straight As, but he may need it eventually.

Specifically wrt the lying, I explained to him that it is a symptom of impulsivity and that he needs to take a beat to respond. I also try not to phrase things in a way that causes him to lie and unfortunately I need to be more circumspect with the way I give feedback to both him and my dh. The both have rejection sensitivity dysmorphia.

Sounds exhausting. Sorry you have to deal with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and son lies as a first reaction. It can be a symptom of adhd.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/

Thank you for this. I suspect this is at least partly the issue. And I also have a son who seems very comfortable lying. It always struck me as odd but now I am wondering about the connection with my husband and whether there is a genetic component. My son is still young (age 5), so I am not going to assume anything but he will tell lies of convenience, to get what he wants, or just seemingly out of boredom. It is multiple times a day, sometimes seemingly constant lies. I know all kids lie to some extent but this seems a bit out of the norm.

Can I ask how you manage to have a husband and a son with this issue? Does medication help?

I've given up on my dh. We basically coexist amicably. I work a lot with my son on scaffolding. I am leaving medication up to him. He is entering high school still getting straight As, but he may need it eventually.

Specifically wrt the lying, I explained to him that it is a symptom of impulsivity and that he needs to take a beat to respond. I also try not to phrase things in a way that causes him to lie and unfortunately I need to be more circumspect with the way I give feedback to both him and my dh. The both have rejection sensitivity dysmorphia.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. Too much work.

With a coparent like this, there will be plenty of work after divorce too. They have a 5 year old that is also starting to lie.

Divorce. Too much work.

Anonymous wrote:I am not looking for advice on path forward. I already told myself and told him that if he lies again, it's over.

The question is, in the meantime, assuming he is sincere in trying to address his issues, where to turn for help. He has an appt set up with a clinical social worker. Is that an ok starting place? Will that person be able to tell if husband needs someone more specialized?

And yes I will get therapy too, just havent gotten around to that search yet. Does insurance cover anything, or only certain things like addiction therapy?

Is this man incapable of finding his own therapist ? Asking insurance questions ?

Why do you need therapy ? Do you lie too?

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and son lies as a first reaction. It can be a symptom of adhd.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/

Thank you for this. I suspect this is at least partly the issue. And I also have a son who seems very comfortable lying. It always struck me as odd but now I am wondering about the connection with my husband and whether there is a genetic component. My son is still young (age 5), so I am not going to assume anything but he will tell lies of convenience, to get what he wants, or just seemingly out of boredom. It is multiple times a day, sometimes seemingly constant lies. I know all kids lie to some extent but this seems a bit out of the norm.

Can I ask how you manage to have a husband and a son with this issue? Does medication help?

Based on what I observe (and acknowledging I have no mental health background here), I tend to suspect undiagnosed ADHD. He said the more he feels like he needs to get something done, the more unable he is to do it, like some kind of wall goes up around the issue in his mind. And then I guess he compartmentalizes it and lies about it to avoid it and avoid questions.

We are not talking wild lies like he use to be in the backstreet boys or something, so I guess not like the nytimes article, though if someone could gift a link, I would love to read it. His lies are more avoidance lies to cover up laziness (which is where I suspect ADHD), and also exaggerations to make a point or to make something/himself seem more interesting (his words of why he started lying in college).

Both my husband and son lies as a first reaction. It can be a symptom of adhd.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-lying-advice-for-parents/amp/

Anonymous wrote:What type of thing does he lie about? Says he made the kids dentist appointments and called the roofer type lies or “I used to be bffs w bono” and “I won the top sales award for the tristate area?” It makes a big difference as to appropriate treatment (and prognosis.)

(If it’s the latter, have you read the nyt article or from a couple of years ago about the compulsive liar?)

I know the guy from NYTimes article through my spouse’s work. OP, if it’s anything like that, get out while you can.

Likely ASPD ( sociopath)…. Most skilled liars going.

Read up, and if you agree , move on. Good luck

When did therapy the become the answer to all problems?