I disagree with the posters saying MYOB. It is my business if my husband (and I) are involved and giving the IL money as well. Why are you supporting them and how much? If you are supporting them, I would be paying the bills (medical or whatever) to ensure that money isn't just going right to SIL.

Anonymous wrote:If your in-laws own their home and plan to leave their estate to be split evenly between the brother and sister, I would suggest that OP's family only continue to help bail out the I laws if the will is changed to pay OP's family back first before splitting.

Op here - to answer some questions:

- No one in this scenario is “rich” - we are solidly DMV middle class double income with a SN kid. Ie we own an older SFH home in an outer burb and vacation in rehobeth not the Maldives.

- IL gave SIL $400K plus in 2 years
-IL house was valued between $350-400k (not DMV). They took $200k out of the house equity as a lump sum.
-It wasn’t enough. IL then took another $200k from IRAs and other retirement vehicles.
-Still not enough.IL pay a portion of their fixed income to “support the kids”. They are now unable to afford the rising cost of healthcare premiums / “donut hole” which is what DH and I pay monthly now.

There is no inheritance left. Nothing. IL told DH he could have the house in the will but SIL needed to live there until she was secure enough to get her own place (free). DH said no as the financial and tax burden would be net negative.

SIL is 50. Not 25.

I guess I’ll just pretend that none of this happened when I see her and say as little as possible.

I also agree- this is IL fault. Helping your kid/grandkids out is one thing but this is next level enabling.

If ILs were 10 years younger they wouldn’t have done this. But in their 80s with health issues, I guess the ability to say no is much harder.

Is your SIL going through a divorce? My own mother leaned heavily on my grandparents when she did and hadn’t worked professionally in years. I recently had a high school friend experience a similar situation, and her parents drew down so much that they are now living in their Summer cottage year round. If it is a situation like that it might be worthwhile if your DH can offer solid career advice or leads. I do think though it would be better is this came from him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Ignore it very hard. Don't do anything to make it not awkward, though. They should all feel the awkwardness.

I'd ignore it until I couldn't.

My BIL (husband's brother) hasn't worked for almost 25 years. His wife has always worked and is their sole financial provider. I know they get some help from my ILs and likely from her own parents. Even so, my ILs are always trashing her and blame her for their son not working. I finally had enough a few years ago and in the middle of a conversation just said, "I think a 50 year old man is more than capable of getting a job if he wants to, no matter what his wife does or doesn't say."

That pretty much shut them up.

Good for you, pp. My MIL once told her own critical MIL, "Someone has to support us, Liz."

Anonymous wrote:Just ignore and whatever you do, DO NOT LET HER NEAR YOUR POCKETBOOK. Do not bring any cash/credit cards/check books or check your bank accounts while around her. She sounds like she would have no qualms stealing from you.

Huge leap you took there, pp.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Ignore it very hard. Don't do anything to make it not awkward, though. They should all feel the awkwardness.

I'd ignore it until I couldn't.

My BIL (husband's brother) hasn't worked for almost 25 years. His wife has always worked and is their sole financial provider. I know they get some help from my ILs and likely from her own parents. Even so, my ILs are always trashing her and blame her for their son not working. I finally had enough a few years ago and in the middle of a conversation just said, "I think a 50 year old man is more than capable of getting a job if he wants to, no matter what his wife does or doesn't say."

That pretty much shut them up.

Make sure you're checking your credit regularly. This type of person would likely open up credit cards ina relative's name

Just ignore and whatever you do, DO NOT LET HER NEAR YOUR POCKETBOOK. Do not bring any cash/credit cards/check books or check your bank accounts while around her. She sounds like she would have no qualms stealing from you.

Don’t say anything OP. If you say that you’re helping your ILs, she may ask more of them or start asking you to help her. If she directly ask you for some money, you could respond that you are already helping your ILs and can’t help her on top of that.

Anonymous wrote:Why are people telling OP this isn't her concern? Once her DH is using their joint finances to support his parents because they unwisely bailed out his sister, then it most certainly DID become OP's concern. I would be coldly polite to SIL and speak to her as little as possible. Agree with the prior recommendations that the DH pay certain IL bills directly as opposed to just giving cash. And I would make it clear to DH that if sister ever asks for money, the answer is a hard no. Irresponsible relatives will treat you like a slot machine if you ever give $$---even if they know that you will probably say no, the fact that you said yes once means that there is always a chance of hitting that jackpot again. Honestly, her DH ought to insist on being in charge of her IL's finances as a condition of giving them money.

Most have said not to bring it up at the family gathering, not that OP shouldn’t have an opinion or discussions with her husband about the issue.

You say nothing because you will now be the next target and seen as gullible.

Nope, do not give money to the ILs. It'll go straight back to her or already is. Do NOT enable. ILs can declare bankruptcy too.