Anonymous wrote:What would I do? Contact an attorney and get my finances in order.

Your days are numbered, gurl.

+10000

My husband does this in his notes app too. It’s been a big point of contention for us. His argument is always that he uses it as a type of journaling/venting mechanism and that it is “his right” to be able to do it. I feel, as you do, that it’s unhealthy to keep track of every snide comment or thing your partner said in an argument if you want to grow and move forward (especially when it’s his own angry, distorted version being recorded).

I don’t know if he still does it. It bothered me for a long time as it felt like he was “building a case” against me, if that makes sense. It seemed like he was keeping a divorce journal or something with pages and pages of dates and quotes. I told him how I felt about it several times, and while he did recognize that it’s unhealthy/uncool to do, he still maintains that it’s his right to vent and journal as he sees fit, and if I disagree, I’m controlling and unsupportive of his mental health.

I don’t really care anymore.

Anonymous wrote:I would walk into the room where he is, put the phone in front of him with the list open, and say “I’m not interested in living under a surveillance regime like this, so we either go to counseling or we’re getting divorced. I see that this list is long, so it’s not obvious to me what your preference is. Which do you want?”

"surveillance regime" from the person who was snooping on someone else's phone? Hmm...

Telling on yourself, bruv.

My DH is abusive and I keep a list. He gets angry with me when he does something wrong and the list helps me not feel so crazy after he rages at me.

I have a list because my DH is an a hole and a gaslighter...so it's my reality check

Anonymous wrote:I definitely did this before leaving my ex, and before leaving a job with a toxic boss. The lists helps to not normalize or explain away the dysfunction, and can serve as a confidence booster to someone who is contemplating leaving.

They are especially useful if someone is gaslighting you. Without a record, you feel like you’re crazy.

I definitely did this before leaving my ex, and before leaving a job with a toxic boss. The lists helps to not normalize or explain away the dysfunction, and can serve as a confidence booster to someone who is contemplating leaving.

Did the OP ever specify a gender or are you guys just all guessing that only a man would do this, while simultaneously talking about the times you’ve made lists yourself?

I only do this when I'm considering a breakup and I need to really clarify my reasons to myself. And I definitely do it after a breakup, when I start to miss the person and need to remind myself why I'm better off. My last BF had a crazy amount of red flags, most of which didn't come out for a few months, and it's kind of wild to see them all spelled out.

Anonymous wrote:Take a photo of the list on your phone then delete his note. Hide your photo in an email or something. He’ll be frantic!

Not pp but this sort of gaslighting is EXACTLY why some of us keep lists.

Don't do this. It's abusive.

Anonymous wrote:I needed to get something off my spouse's phone and saw they had open a note with my name. Yes, I read it and not sure if I am happy I did or regret it. It was basically a list of all the things I have done over the years to make them upset or parts of my personality they do not like. Most I knew about as they have come up in arguments and I had my chance to give my perspective on what occurred and/or apologised. But it was shocking to see this list that contained such visceral reactions to situations. Of note, it seems my spouse will give pretty much anyone the benefit of the doubt except it seems me. What would you do?

Sounds like he is worried you are going to try to divorce him and take him to the cleaners, and is building a profile on you for court should you attempt to do that.

Is it at all possible that you have been going through personal struggles lately, or a bad pattern in the marriage of arguments etc?

I kept notes in phone when my DH was struggling with anxiety (diagnosed), he was drinking too much as well and we were having a very rough patch in our marriage. Just things like anger episodes, triggers, causes of arguments etc to try to identify patterns. It was actually really helpful for me, and I was able to gain some insights- both into what seemed to trigger him, different patterns etc and how I was reacting/contributing. What worked and what didn’t. Was he better once he started meds, any changes, etc Things like that. It was helpful. I never showed it to anyone.

But I’m sure if he had found my notes he may have interpreted them the same way you are….

Of course it is possible he is just a jerk and keeping score. Just giving my experience.

Who does this list thing? Must be exhausting. I’d delete the list for fun. I also do little things to show him what gaslighting is. I’m a recycler and planet lover. He uses these stupid plastic toothpicks. I gave him his very own small recycling bin. Like a child’s bin with a fun little opening on top for his stupid picks, plastic crap. He does his own laundry and I find the picks in his pockets or dryer. I collected more than a handful of them and stuffed them in his pillow case. Ouch.

He never exhibited OCD behavior but it’s clear now. Or he’s a spiteful prick. Regardless, he gets what he gives.

I would walk into the room where he is, put the phone in front of him with the list open, and say “I’m not interested in living under a surveillance regime like this, so we either go to counseling or we’re getting divorced. I see that this list is long, so it’s not obvious to me what your preference is. Which do you want?”

What would I do? Contact an attorney and get my finances in order.

Your days are numbered, gurl.