If you’re not paying and not sleeping w him let him draw out the marriage- who cares? Longer the divorce goes the longer your alimony goes so unless you have religious fears about dating while still legally married I wouldn’t be bothered by his foot dragging- assuming he hasn’t taken or is withholding joint funds from you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in the FO phase. No wonder he’s dragging his feet.

More please. What is the FO phase (I can think of several phrases that might apply) and how can you tell ?

F*ck around (FA) and Find out (FO)!

+1
Consequences of his actions are hitting him in the face now.

Oh wow is this an established cycle?

Kind of. Never to this extreme. But reflecting on the last few decades his MO has always been to do the thing now and worry about how to fix it later and never admit he made a poor choice.

Did you want to reconcile?

No! When he ran away the day he said he wanted a divorce, I realized I felt relief much more than anger or sadness. And then I set to work to understand how I ended up where I did. It's been eye opening.

How have you achieved that understanding? My therapist does say most of the issues are my ex husbands not mine bc his cheating was about him. And even tho I feel like he became a different person I still think I must have missed red flags or not set boundaries or something to wind up in this situation. I would like to have my eyes opened so I don’t do again.

I had a ton of reservations about getting married to him and I was vocal about them and I dragged out our engagement for several years. I didn't go joyfully into marriage. That's not a new revelation - that's a story I told during our entire marriage. "Hah how funny! I didn't want to get married and now we're celebrating our 25th!"

What is new is the realization that I didn't think I deserved better,even if he seemed like a great guy to other people. Our private relationship was very different to the public facing one. The only reason I don't totally regret the marriage is because of the kids. I chose to be with someone who I don't believe is capable of loving anyone else and can never accept responsibility for his role in any relationship dynamic, whether with a spouse or a friend.

We never had a strong emotional bond. I was madly in love when I met him and I questioned myself for the next few decades about why that dissipated so quickly, which I assumed was a me problem. Definitely part of it was. He was eager to get married to me. Cynically I think now he was eager to get married to me and the money that came with me. I started doing intensive therapy in the last year of our marriage because I was so unhappy with myself. It makes perfect sense to me that his reaction was to flee into the arms of someone else when I started getting my self back. His behavior in the ensuing months has been atrocious but I actually feel sorry for him. He is really damaged and the it's so unlikely he'll ever try to fix that. He's a blamer. He blames me for forcing him to have an affair. He has no agency in his life. I got the freedom I had not realized I wanted all along.

But from a legal perspective, I enabled him to become financially successful. I don't share a lot of details here but I'm ok with taking spousal support from him. And I am so relieved not to share a bed with him anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in the FO phase. No wonder he’s dragging his feet.

More please. What is the FO phase (I can think of several phrases that might apply) and how can you tell ?

F*ck around (FA) and Find out (FO)!

+1
Consequences of his actions are hitting him in the face now.

Oh wow is this an established cycle?

Kind of. Never to this extreme. But reflecting on the last few decades his MO has always been to do the thing now and worry about how to fix it later and never admit he made a poor choice.

Did you want to reconcile?

No! When he ran away the day he said he wanted a divorce, I realized I felt relief much more than anger or sadness. And then I set to work to understand how I ended up where I did. It's been eye opening.

How have you achieved that understanding? My therapist does say most of the issues are my ex husbands not mine bc his cheating was about him. And even tho I feel like he became a different person I still think I must have missed red flags or not set boundaries or something to wind up in this situation. I would like to have my eyes opened so I don’t do again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in the FO phase. No wonder he’s dragging his feet.

More please. What is the FO phase (I can think of several phrases that might apply) and how can you tell ?

F*ck around (FA) and Find out (FO)!

+1
Consequences of his actions are hitting him in the face now.

Oh wow is this an established cycle?

Kind of. Never to this extreme. But reflecting on the last few decades his MO has always been to do the thing now and worry about how to fix it later and never admit he made a poor choice.

Did you want to reconcile?

No! When he ran away the day he said he wanted a divorce, I realized I felt relief much more than anger or sadness. And then I set to work to understand how I ended up where I did. It's been eye opening.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in the FO phase. No wonder he’s dragging his feet.

More please. What is the FO phase (I can think of several phrases that might apply) and how can you tell ?

F*ck around (FA) and Find out (FO)!

+1
Consequences of his actions are hitting him in the face now.

Oh wow is this an established cycle?

Kind of. Never to this extreme. But reflecting on the last few decades his MO has always been to do the thing now and worry about how to fix it later and never admit he made a poor choice.

Did you want to reconcile?

Anonymous wrote:Omg - sounds like you can just sit and wait him out and practically ignore him. Be grateful. People with children and custody in the mix go through absolute hell.

Yep. Mine took 27 mos and was pure hell- hundreds of thousands righting over Custody and money- I was a sahm who got my ass back to work and was out earning the “monied spouse” within three years. I got no alimony for a 14 year marriage and hardly any child support because of my newly high income at settlement and I felt incredible pride about that. Good luck op.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in the FO phase. No wonder he’s dragging his feet.

More please. What is the FO phase (I can think of several phrases that might apply) and how can you tell ?

F*ck around (FA) and Find out (FO)!

+1
Consequences of his actions are hitting him in the face now.

Oh wow is this an established cycle?

Kind of. Never to this extreme. But reflecting on the last few decades his MO has always been to do the thing now and worry about how to fix it later and never admit he made a poor choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in the FO phase. No wonder he’s dragging his feet.

More please. What is the FO phase (I can think of several phrases that might apply) and how can you tell ?

F*ck around (FA) and Find out (FO)!

+1
Consequences of his actions are hitting him in the face now.

Oh wow is this an established cycle?

He’s also getting pressured by AP to marry her and be a “family” with her poor kid (who certainly doesn’t deserve this chaos), so he’s also staring down the barrel of that future. Wouldn’t surprise me if he leaves that situation at some point. Men who leapfrog like this to the next woman often make bad decisions (and wreck a bunch of lives in the process).

But yes OP, an attorney laid out the facts for him re: finances and he didn’t like what he heard. Make sure your court costs are included in the settlement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in the FO phase. No wonder he’s dragging his feet.

More please. What is the FO phase (I can think of several phrases that might apply) and how can you tell ?

F*ck around (FA) and Find out (FO)!

+1
Consequences of his actions are hitting him in the face now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in the FO phase. No wonder he’s dragging his feet.

More please. What is the FO phase (I can think of several phrases that might apply) and how can you tell ?

F*ck around (FA) and Find out (FO)!

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is in the FO phase. No wonder he’s dragging his feet.

More please. What is the FO phase (I can think of several phrases that might apply) and how can you tell ?

Anonymous wrote:Did your DH suffer a mental health crisis? He’s certainly acting like it.

I'll never know. What I do know is that I missed/ignored a whole lot of red flags for years because it was convenient for me to do so. He doesn't believe in therapy so it's unlikely he's working through his feelings about literally running away from a long marriage. Maybe he really did find his soul mate and he's living blissfully with her and her kid. Stranger things have happened! I just want an end date to my legal entanglement with him.