I think you need to change your finances and fix your marriage. The other lady is a symptom of a failing situation. Of course, tell him to stop talking to her.

OP here. Then I got nervous because he is making an effort and set up a date night and we are doing counseling of sorts and he is talking about trips we have later this year. I wonder if he's buying time so he can figure her out. He just met her a few weeks ago.

I am stressed and not sure what to say. We are making strides in connecting now - physically and emotionally yet I'm just beside myself. I don't want to make it so he sneaks around even more. Or make her such a big deal. I find her very overt and very into showing her body on social media. I did comment that I would never want our daughter acting like that and was going to ask him if she has an only fans and suggest that may be perfect for her lol. Bad idea?

OP, I think you need a bit of a reality check. Poor people get divorced. People get divorced when only one side wants it. DH has one foot out the door, you can't afford to live in this la-la land of "well we can't divorce and I still want to stay married".

If he can seriously commit to working on this marriage, great. But part of that means you'll need to confront him about this. And while this is going on, you still need to be getting your own affairs in order to prepare for a divorce.

He's having an emotional affair that could potentially turn physical if they were in close proximity
You're about to be empty nesters
You said your marriage was already struggling a bit
His business is failing. People who are stressed often make rash and life changing decisions.

The above all point to someone who very easily could walk out of your marriage and file for divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- it's def not platonic
He has lots of female friends and I'm 100% fine w that.

Capture screenshots.

They're deleted now

So he knows you know?

He doesn't know how much I know but knows I'm suspicious and knows I know they talked on the phone

I'm sorry, OP. Who earns more?

Him but business doing very poorly. Zero chance we could afford divorce right now

People divorce even when they're poor, OP. Don't think this protects you. And staying just because you want to keep a certain lifestyle is really sad. He needs to arrive, somehow, at the realization that this emotional affair is not good for him.

Yes how though? I don't care about lifestyle. I want to stay married

Your husband needs to feel the same way too. You should have a serious discussion so you know where things stand. Behaving like an ostrich isn’t going to do you any favors.

This. Your husband needs to be on board with ending that affair. His actions are not all on you to correct.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to say right now - he doesn't know I know as much as I do. He is away now, not with her. (I know for a fact) but I'm sure they're texting nonstop. I'm barely eating.

Rip off the bandaid and have a CTJ conversation when he returns. The longer you let it go the more he’s going to fall for her. Don’t let him gaslight you.

What would I say? I can't give an ultimatum. And how can I force it?

DH here: I’d take a breath before doing anything. This could be a situation of some ambiguity. Most men are unfamiliar with the concept of an “emotional affair” and so he may not see it as the level of betrayal that you do. His reaction might well be, if confronted, “what do you mean affair, we’re not having sex WTF?” And if you accuse him of an affair or betrayal, he’ll probably get defensive and the conversation won’t be very constructive at all. This could be a situation where what started out as something meant to be relatively innocent has evolved to a bad place because people get disinhibited by screens and it is easy to see even sexual texting as “harmless” given the inherent distance.

Recognizing that it might be difficult, perhaps start the conversation in a more neutral place: “You’re texting Larla all the time these days and it’s making me uncomfortable. What is going on?” While ordinarily in the context of a physical affair, confrontation can be a problem because it allows the unfaithful spouse to go to ground and conceal evidence, here it sounds like you’re pretty confident there is nothing like that going on, it’s just the texts and phone calls or whatever; this to me suggests there is less down side in just raising the issue with him and seeing where it leads.

Separate bedrooms until he cuts it off. Individual and couple counseling ASAP. Find ways to hide a little money away. No sex. Be honest about what you know.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- it's def not platonic
He has lots of female friends and I'm 100% fine w that.

Capture screenshots.

They're deleted now

So he knows you know?

He doesn't know how much I know but knows I'm suspicious and knows I know they talked on the phone

I'm sorry, OP. Who earns more?

Him but business doing very poorly. Zero chance we could afford divorce right now

People divorce even when they're poor, OP. Don't think this protects you. And staying just because you want to keep a certain lifestyle is really sad. He needs to arrive, somehow, at the realization that this emotional affair is not good for him.

Yes how though? I don't care about lifestyle. I want to stay married

NP. You have to ask him to stop, for the sake of your family and the commitment you made together. Perhaps you don't want to set an ultimatum because this may be a one foot out the door situation. But you could just say, I'd like you to pause this contact while we jointly decide how healthy our relationship is and how this will affect our family.

I think a PA is worse, especially with a younger woman. It's hard to compete with because new situations are very hormonal and running on adrenaline. Mature love rarely keeps that quality. The same thing as crushes and EAs. Just worse because the moral code is totally shattered.

I would act sooner rather than later.

His business situation may make this EA a fun escape from real life. That is unfortunate, and that's not where you have an advantage. Don't beg. Call on why you got married in the first place, your family together, and whatever morality you believe him to possess to move this situation to a more equitable and honest place. Tell him you want to stay married but give convincing and loving reasons.

This is a very ordinary situation to find yourself in. Too much despair will prevent you from moving forward. Don't doubt and blame yourself because this exact situation or worse has happened to some of the smartest, prettiest, and richest women on earth. Just start moving forward.

I would also background check the other woman on the Internet to see what she may be hiding. Married? Failing business? Why did she latch onto your husband?

A woman I know's husband met a married AP at church. He was a trade up for AP because the AP's husband couldn't keep a job. Both of them were apparently bored and sad and immature and professionally unsuccessful together. That was enough to burn everything down.

I don't think you need evidence if you know what you saw and are sure. If you're wrong, I don't think your husband will be mad that you're jealous. I think you should talk to your husband ASAP, but not remotely unless his trip is long. That would give him uninterrupted talk time with OW.

You say they met on a trip. What kind of trip, and how did they meet? Were you with him? If not, I would wonder if they've already had sex. Are you just taking his word that it's "merely" emotional, not physical?

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- it's def not platonic
He has lots of female friends and I'm 100% fine w that.

Capture screenshots.

They're deleted now

So he knows you know?

He doesn't know how much I know but knows I'm suspicious and knows I know they talked on the phone

I'm sorry, OP. Who earns more?

Him but business doing very poorly. Zero chance we could afford divorce right now

People divorce even when they're poor, OP. Don't think this protects you. And staying just because you want to keep a certain lifestyle is really sad. He needs to arrive, somehow, at the realization that this emotional affair is not good for him.

Yes how though? I don't care about lifestyle. I want to stay married

Your husband needs to feel the same way too. You should have a serious discussion so you know where things stand. Behaving like an ostrich isn’t going to do you any favors.

We will
Do therapy

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- it's def not platonic
He has lots of female friends and I'm 100% fine w that.

Capture screenshots.

They're deleted now

So he knows you know?

He doesn't know how much I know but knows I'm suspicious and knows I know they talked on the phone

I'm sorry, OP. Who earns more?

Him but business doing very poorly. Zero chance we could afford divorce right now

People divorce even when they're poor, OP. Don't think this protects you. And staying just because you want to keep a certain lifestyle is really sad. He needs to arrive, somehow, at the realization that this emotional affair is not good for him.

Yes how though? I don't care about lifestyle. I want to stay married

Your husband needs to feel the same way too. You should have a serious discussion so you know where things stand. Behaving like an ostrich isn’t going to do you any favors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone at work?

No met on a trip. Doesn't live here but could easily be mobile. No kids, late 30's, very overt

Oh gawd that’s not good.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids, OP?

Yes one starting college and one in college. Will be empty nest

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- it's def not platonic
He has lots of female friends and I'm 100% fine w that.

Capture screenshots.

They're deleted now

So he knows you know?

He doesn't know how much I know but knows I'm suspicious and knows I know they talked on the phone

I'm sorry, OP. Who earns more?

Him but business doing very poorly. Zero chance we could afford divorce right now

People divorce even when they're poor, OP. Don't think this protects you. And staying just because you want to keep a certain lifestyle is really sad. He needs to arrive, somehow, at the realization that this emotional affair is not good for him.

Yes how though? I don't care about lifestyle. I want to stay married

Do you have kids, OP?