Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

All kids serve the parent's purpose. Get over yourself.

What a sh$&@y comment. Do you know scoop era was? It was human trafficking. Have some sympathy.

After reading each PP, my advice is to mite or even block them from your social media accounts.

I have a relative who is incredibly narcissistic, delusional and writes long glowing posts about each DC who are now young adults. Way too much personal information shared. Started with a blog documenting everyday life with young children (and way too many photos and details) and just kept going.

Anonymous wrote:Addressing societal views on adoption- some reading. It’s time to understand and relinquish long held views. If you are finding that you are becoming angry at these statements, it only proves the long held narrative regarding adopted children.


https://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoption-truth/cultural-views-on-adoption/qa

https://redthreadbroken.com/2019/05/01/on-gratitude-and-adoption/

https://adoption.com/avoiding-the-savior-complex-in-adoption/

First of all, your first link is broken. I appreciated your other links for a nuanced perspective.

Let me give you another one: I have a close family member who had two children taken from her because she was basically homeless and unable to raise them. She will feel the loss of those children for the rest of her life, and those children will also likely feel a sense of loss. So, the situation is tragic. She was also taken from her birth family who were drug addicts and in and out of jail. She is severely mentally ill and in and out of jail.

There is no magic situation that would have made those childrens' lives free of tragedy. She now lives in a storage shed with no running water and three dogs. Would they have been better off moving every few months, with large chunks of their childhood spent with drug addicted family members? I really don't think so.

Sometimes people don't want to or can't parent. In those situations (which we hope will be rare as they are inherently tragic) it's best if those kids are adopted early and often. Recovering from severe neglect and overcoming family tendencies towards drug addiction / alcohol addiction / mental illness is very difficult and often impossible. I've seen that in children adopted from international impoverished and addicted situations in my own family. These children sometimes are never able to support themselves. They need a lot of help.

To be clear, I do not think the above family member who is putting their child's issues on blast is doing the right thing. But, it's possible that their situation i more difficult than casual observers can understand. Compassion is a virtue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

All kids serve the parent's purpose. Get over yourself.

WTF? You're telling us who you are. Clearly.

Are you a parent?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. That way you won't get sucked in when kid develops issues like ODD.

What’s ODD?

Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

I can almost guarantee your sibling would be just as annoying social media user with a bio child, btw.

Most parents lose their identity to their kids, martyr themselves, and most parents make mistakes. The biggest thing you can do is be there for the kid when they hit their teens and things get rocky. Just ignore their social media posts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

All kids serve the parent's purpose. Get over yourself.

WTF? You're telling us who you are. Clearly.

Addressing societal views on adoption- some reading. It’s time to understand and relinquish long held views. If you are finding that you are becoming angry at these statements, it only proves the long held narrative regarding adopted children.


https://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/adoption-truth/cultural-views-on-adoption/qa

https://redthreadbroken.com/2019/05/01/on-gratitude-and-adoption/

https://adoption.com/avoiding-the-savior-complex-in-adoption/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

All kids serve the parent's purpose. Get over yourself.

Not when they are removed from their mother, actually. Then they serve society's purpose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

I did not realize the savior narrative. That is screwed up. Hopefully it does not represent the majority of adoptive parents.

It's actually less about the individual parent unit and more about society's perception. All adopted children are seen as being "saved" and all adoptive parents as saviors, when, in fact, children are actually fulfilling the needs of the adoptive parents. In this case, the OP writes about her sister, and it appears that the sister needs to have a martyr situation present, but it isn't because she saved a child with needs, it's a trauma from her fertility journey- which is emotionally and physically intense. She may not be a narcissist, but it’s, in effect, a whole dynamic going on that this child is fulfilling.

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

All kids serve the parent's purpose. Get over yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

I did not realize the savior narrative. That is screwed up. Hopefully it does not represent the majority of adoptive parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This post is wrong on many levels.

It's always the adoptive parent who has the most trouble with all this.
Maybe this can help you understand a little better:
https://howtobeadopted.com/blog/2021/finding-my-way-out-of-the-adoption-fog-guest-post-by-gilli-bruce

Living in Adoption’s Emotional Aftermath
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2023/04/10/living-in-adoptions-emotional-aftermath

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’ve been through years of infertility and now have to transition into this new life. I have a ton of empathy for them. It sounds like you are coming from a place of judgment. Therefore, I wouldn’t say anything because it’s not coming from the right place.

Years of infertility doesn’t mean one can disregard basic parenting advice coming from professionals.

Signed, adoptee

Unfortunately people disregard basic parenting advice pretty much constantly. The point is OP is not the best person equipped to help these parents do better.