Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too immature to be marrying anyone.

I’m not. I’m realistic. I want to marry a man who is an active husband and father before anything. I ( we) are planning on having 2-4 kids and I do not want to be the sole bearer of raising kids. I will never quit my job and do not want to feel like I’m competing with a high earning partner.

This is what your friends are warning you about. If you make a fraction of what he does, you’re going to pick up the kids every time they’re sick. Unless he’s doing this from home and doesn’t have many meetings or clients.

This is the downside no one really talks about. My dh hit a point in his career where he could move to executive levels and I let him know I wanted no part of that. We knew what the jobs would entail and knew couples living this life. We both scrimped and saved a ridiculous amount as I didn't want him to be too enticed by the salaries. Despite our agreement, he took a job that lead him to a large leadership role that caused him to be at work all the time. He generally worked through Christmas and New Years. It was miserable. I also have a kid with learning disabilities and we had issues with the school. I was a sahm and it was often overwhelming. Our kids are grown now and I still have strong feelings about his choices.

In this world wiser for both genders to have kids with clear understanding that you'll have to be the primary parent no matter you are a single parent, married or divorced. That puts things in perspective that you would rather do it yourself or with a partial parent. Odds of having a true 50-50 partnership are low.

Anonymous wrote:If he is going to flake, it’s better that he is high earner. Low earners flake, too, but you’ll get less.

+1
Op sounds like they will be nitpicking about chores and time regardless of who they marry

Either you love this man and want the relationship to work or you don’t. Ending it with someone you love because his income is too high and your friends don’t like it is beyond stupid.

You could marry a poor man and his income skyrockets over the duration of the marriage and you’d be in the same position.

Agree you aren’t mature enough for marriage given you are asking this.

But if you’re truly wondering if you should call off the wedding over something like this - do it, and free him up to find someone who wouldn’t question everything over some idiot comments.

People in your life are expressing anything other than happiness for you? I really can’t imagine anybody saying this IRL so I have a hunch this is fake, but if you are real - ditch the people who want to bring you down. How very petty. These aren’t friends.

But why the F are you crowd-sourcing this? Do you love your BF? Do you want to marry him? Stop borrowing trouble. I hate to be snarky but this has to be the dumbest question ever!

I would never have said this when I was younger and I broke up with someone like this. For similar reasons: I didn’t want to be Primary, SAHP.
After living through all this my advice would be to marry him, but do NOT sign a prenup.

Step back at work when you have kids. You will probably want to quit working anyway, but there is no way you will know that right now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Are they jealous? DH is a high earner and is an amazing husband and dad. Sounds like despite being a high earner he makes time for you now and is a good bf. DH hasn't changed in the 17 years we've been together. Has always been great.

I don’t think they are jealous. Some of these women are older ladies who tell me how bad it is to be in charge of kids and the house and all the husband does is make a paycheck. They warned me that this will be my life is I choose a man who works too much.

Why is that bad?

Obviously we strangers know if your husband will be a good husband and dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too immature to be marrying anyone.

I’m not. I’m realistic. I want to marry a man who is an active husband and father before anything. I ( we) are planning on having 2-4 kids and I do not want to be the sole bearer of raising kids. I will never quit my job and do not want to feel like I’m competing with a high earning partner.

You don’t know that you’ll never quit, even though you believe it to be true. Wait until you have these 2-4 kids and see how you feel, literacy anything can happen- twins, special needs, your priorities change.

Money makes everything easier. Marry the guy you love and be grateful for the $.

If he is going to flake, it’s better that he is high earner. Low earners flake, too, but you’ll get less.

High earners in general have higher work stress and in my experience an inflated self of self worth. They think because they are important at work they must important everywhere. Of course everyone is different and you know your man best so you can decide if that’s him. But yes in general wealthy people are self absorbed and miserable. Just read this board for 5 minutes and you’ll understand why!

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a very high earner. We barely saw him growing up. Some women want their cake and eat it too. They want the lifestyle and the emotional support. I.am sorry but if you have a partner who is in a particular field and is among the top 0.5% of earners he is going to be absent a lot.

Yep. Prepare to be a single married woman.

Anonymous wrote:It makes no difference, some people just flake out whether they are high earners or not.

Pretty much

It's only a deal breaker if he works a lot and is cheap. 4 kids will be expensive, and due to the age spread, will be extremely time consuming. You'll both have to pay a painful amount of outsourced help to maintain both careers. You should both take a close look at how much all that will cost on top of servicing the mortgage on the home you think you can afford. Is he in for that?