Anonymous
05/19/2025 18:32
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
This is such a childish approach. Life doesn't work this way. Sometime one gets more and one less. It all depends. People who bean count are the worst.
Sometimes is one thing. Routinely only seeing one side of the family is another. Equal should be the goal.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 18:29
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
[img]Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.
I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.
You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.
No you are modeling that relationships are two way streets. I don’t expect my kids to drop everything, give up family vacations and pamper me. If I give nothing I shouldn’t expect people to jump for me. Good grief!
Your kids don’t know the details of how you and your spouse split logistics. What they see is that the dad’s family isn’t included and the mom’s is.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 17:57
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.
I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.
You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.
Such a dumb post and you post this drivel again and again. This isn't how people work. You would be such an awful boy mom.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 17:43
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
This is such a childish approach. Life doesn't work this way. Sometime one gets more and one less. It all depends. People who bean count are the worst.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 15:51
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.
I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.
You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.
No you are modeling that relationships are two way streets. I don’t expect my kids to drop everything, give up family vacations and pamper me. If I give nothing I shouldn’t expect people to jump for me. Good grief!
Anonymous
05/19/2025 15:24
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.
I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.
You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.
Nope. I'm modeling that people who want to spend time with you and who think you're important, will spend time with you. People who straight up ignore you and then ask when you're visiting obviously don't value you. I would hate to think I'm raising doormats.
I absolutely would help my son and would visit him as much as I visit my daughters. When they have crises/hospitalizations/new babies, I will offer support and assistance.
DH has even said that he'd do anything for my parents because they let us travel 2 weeks a year as a couple while they watch our kids. It's priceless and he knows that.
A grandparent’s relationship shouldn’t be dependent on whether they help you get your kid free vacation.
NP. Correct, it should not be. However, a grandparent’s relationship should be entirely dependent on the amount of effort that the grandparent and their own adult child put into it.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 14:51
Subject: Re:Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his parents every Sunday. I stand right in front of him while he’s on the phone and mouth “visit this summer.” Or I stand over him while he writes the text.
I decided that I felt my obligation to my ILs was that I made sure they saw the kids 2x per year. Both DH and ILs are passive about planning (which drives me batty), but I know it’s important to them to see each other. So I just hound my husband and try not to resent anyone. Any additional visits, presents, communication, etc. is on him.
Oh hell no. Become a nagging B to my husband because he doesn't want to see his own parents?! FFS Let it go, let it go... This is harming your own marriage which comes before any other relationships.
Wives should not nag their husbands. And if they need to, it better be worth their while over things that matter.
What? He wants to see them and is vocally appreciative of what I literally call my “biannual nag.” If he didn’t/wasn’t, I wouldn’t. We get cornered with other plans (like with OP) and end up with a logistically terrible weekend if I’m not proactive about it. My only problem is once I’ve identified dates, he spaces on asking if I don’t badger. In the grand scheme of things, I’m ok with being a nag twice a year in support of something I really value: my kids’ relationship with their grandparents. Still annoying though!
Anonymous
05/19/2025 12:41
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.
I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.
You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.
Nope. She’s modeling that relationships are a two way street and you get what you put in. She’s also modeling that it’s important to value family for family’s sake by dividing holidays.
This is amazing parenting! Great job to the first poster.
The PP is modeling how to have no boundaries and to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Terrible parenting. I hope you don’t have daughters.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 12:37
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
I think you're right to let it lie. It's not your family to manage. I've taken the same approach with my in-laws (let DH decide when and how much we see them). The reality is that we see my family a lot more, and my kids have a closer relationship with their grandparents and cousins on my side of the family, because we're a close family. Everyone makes an effort to spend time together.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 12:32
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.
I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.
You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.
Nope. I'm modeling that people who want to spend time with you and who think you're important, will spend time with you. People who straight up ignore you and then ask when you're visiting obviously don't value you. I would hate to think I'm raising doormats.
I absolutely would help my son and would visit him as much as I visit my daughters. When they have crises/hospitalizations/new babies, I will offer support and assistance.
DH has even said that he'd do anything for my parents because they let us travel 2 weeks a year as a couple while they watch our kids. It's priceless and he knows that.
A grandparent’s relationship shouldn’t be dependent on whether they help you get your kid free vacation.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 12:30
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.
I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.
You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.
Nope. I'm modeling that people who want to spend time with you and who think you're important, will spend time with you. People who straight up ignore you and then ask when you're visiting obviously don't value you. I would hate to think I'm raising doormats.
I absolutely would help my son and would visit him as much as I visit my daughters. When they have crises/hospitalizations/new babies, I will offer support and assistance.
DH has even said that he'd do anything for my parents because they let us travel 2 weeks a year as a couple while they watch our kids. It's priceless and he knows that.
There’s no evidence in OP’s post or that person’s that the in laws ignore or don’t value them or their kids though. Thats what you are suggesting but it’s not what they did.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 11:51
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.
I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.
You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.
Nope. I'm modeling that people who want to spend time with you and who think you're important, will spend time with you. People who straight up ignore you and then ask when you're visiting obviously don't value you. I would hate to think I'm raising doormats.
I absolutely would help my son and would visit him as much as I visit my daughters. When they have crises/hospitalizations/new babies, I will offer support and assistance.
DH has even said that he'd do anything for my parents because they let us travel 2 weeks a year as a couple while they watch our kids. It's priceless and he knows that.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 11:46
Subject: Re:Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his parents every Sunday. I stand right in front of him while he’s on the phone and mouth “visit this summer.” Or I stand over him while he writes the text.
I decided that I felt my obligation to my ILs was that I made sure they saw the kids 2x per year. Both DH and ILs are passive about planning (which drives me batty), but I know it’s important to them to see each other. So I just hound my husband and try not to resent anyone. Any additional visits, presents, communication, etc. is on him.
Oh hell no. Become a nagging B to my husband because he doesn't want to see his own parents?! FFS Let it go, let it go... This is harming your own marriage which comes before any other relationships.
Wives should not nag their husbands. And if they need to, it better be worth their while over things that matter.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 11:46
Subject: Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them equal time. The when and what don't need to be decided. The equal time, though, needs to happen.
Totally disagree about equal time. My parents swoop in all the time to help dh and I, watch the kids for 2 weeks so dh and I can travel, and take us all on an international vacation yearly. The other side just asks when we're visiting (and it's a lot of work for us to visit them, but I do it). I'm willing to plan anything for my parents. I don't have the bandwidth to plan anything for inlaws, so I let dh take the lead on that. He plans nothing. I'm sure my inlaws will want a week that my kids are really looking forward to at a special summer camp. They never pick a week that would help us.
I do believe in equal holidays though. I rotate holidays between our sides of the family.
You’re modeling for your kids that the dad’s side of the family is less important than the mom’s. Hope you don’t have sons.
Anonymous
05/19/2025 11:45
Subject: Re:Summer/holiday plans w in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his parents every Sunday. I stand right in front of him while he’s on the phone and mouth “visit this summer.” Or I stand over him while he writes the text.
I decided that I felt my obligation to my ILs was that I made sure they saw the kids 2x per year. Both DH and ILs are passive about planning (which drives me batty), but I know it’s important to them to see each other. So I just hound my husband and try not to resent anyone. Any additional visits, presents, communication, etc. is on him.
Why do you do this with the in-laws? If they really wanted to see your kids they would make an effort. Not that they dislike your kids, but sounds like they’re pretty neutral. You are doing this for your own satisfaction. The in-laws don’t care either way I probably do see it as somewhat of a hassle.
Many of us have in laws that are too old or infirm to travel so we are the ones who have to make the effort. That’s the reality of having kids later in life aka older grandparents.