Anonymous
Post 05/17/2025 07:52     Subject: Re:How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
I have on that was born that way, and she's driven about a lot of things. My other DC is much more laid back, although he can be motivated to excel if he really wants something. He needs a concrete goal that means something to him, while she often just wants to excel for the sake of excelling.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2025 07:47     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
Teach them to love learning, make them choose ECs they genuinely like and wish to put the effort into, and provide an understanding of what things cost in this world. I think the rest is up to them.

We try to ground DD in reality, give her freedom as she is ready and is age-appropriate, and facilitate a lot of discussions around values, her choices, colleges etc.

We tell her we give her opportunities but that is it; what she does with them is on her and has consequences. DH and I have degrees and already went through a lot of schooling. She needs to do the same and figure out what she likes and can make a living doing so she can support herself as an adult.

I recently read The Disengaged Teen as well -- and recommend it. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2025 01:20     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
That's not something a parent can enforce or teach. This is more nature than nurturer. You can make them resent you by trying to cultivate it.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2025 01:18     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
I think it’s a combination of nature and nurture. I’m one of three, and we are all like this. Some of it is innate, I’m sure. However some of it was our upbringing. My parents, while good people, did not love unconditionally, and made it clear their love was conditioned on us being high achievers. I don’t think they are even aware they did this. They never said it outright, but it was clear. As a result, we all are on great paths now, but things that for most people would seem like someone has gone above and beyond, I view as someone doing the bare minimum. My standards are incredibly high, and it’s honestly exhausting. I’m a parent now, and I work hard to make sure I don’t pass this mentality on to my kids. In the DC area, it’s kind of going against the grain. However, I’d rather have kids who put more emphasis on themselves and their confidence and what makes them happy.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2025 00:59     Subject: Re:How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want a kid like that. They tend to have higher rates of anxiety, burnout, depression, eating disorders, etc. I'd rather than my "Bs are fine!" kid. They are mentally healthy and can enjoy life.


Sure maga

How will they pay the bills pay check to pay check ?

This is ridiculous to want mediocrity fir your kid
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2025 00:57     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
Anonymous wrote:My husband and I – I think – are okay parents. We try to balance positive reinforcement and encouragement and setting general rules/parameters. Our kids are pretty intelligent and do pretty well in their challenging school. They don’t have the “fire in the belly’ to really kill it with grades, sports, extracurriculars, etc. Many high school students at our school are ‘tryhards’ (as the youth say) and achievers in these areas.

How do these kids become so driven? Intrinsic drive, parent pressure, parents successfully supporting their strengths? I’m sure there are all sorts of reasons – I just feel like there’s something we didn’t do/aren’t doing that would motivate them to push themselves more. I’m not suggesting they must grind themselves to the ground.

What’s the special sauce parents use? If there is any? As my kids age, I have come to realize that I have much less influence than I’d thought.




You put our kid in private school for you not them that is why they are average

As kid who is truly motivated and gifted goes to elite privates not DMV ones

You can not teach rive
You can teach a love of learning as a parent

That means you make an effort to be interested in learning as well.
Some motivated kids get jobs outside of your house during the school year, that changes many kids trajectory ie makes them understand hard work
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2025 00:41     Subject: Re:How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want a kid like that. They tend to have higher rates of anxiety, burnout, depression, eating disorders, etc. I'd rather than my "Bs are fine!" kid. They are mentally healthy and can enjoy life.


I just posted. I was always driven but luckily avoided all of those mental health issues, except for one bout of depression but that was related to infertility issues at the time.

One side of a non-driven kid to watch out for is if they have too much free time they get caught up in social media and video games.


This. I'm concerned about my not so driven but smart, son, specially because he just played games at school instead of doing his best work.

Any tips on how to help a kid in this situation? I feel like backing off isn't working.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2025 23:58     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately i think it’s mostly innate personality.


It’s innate but I also think it’s finding something the child loves and is naturally good at it or interested in.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2025 23:41     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
I think it's largely intrinsic. But combine that with some kind of challenging life circumstances, when kids understand early that their destiny is entirely in their own hands, that's when you really see the drive.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2025 23:22     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately i think it’s mostly innate personality.


I was an intense try-hard all throughout school until I got into an elite college. I was motivated because in spite of appearances to the contrary, my home life and family were messed up. I was desperate for external validation and later, for the grades and results that would get me out of my family to anywhere else. In 7th grade back in the 90s I was already planning my HS activities and class schedule to have the strongest possible college application and checking out admissions guides from the library. This was not really a thing back then so I did it all in secret.

My DD has zero fire and is intense only about the things she cares about and is totally indifferent to grades even though she is smart. Frankly it’s a relief even though it’s unfamiliar to me. It gives me the sense that she feels safe and secure and doesn’t need external validation.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2025 22:01     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
Anonymous wrote:My husband and I – I think – are okay parents. We try to balance positive reinforcement and encouragement and setting general rules/parameters. Our kids are pretty intelligent and do pretty well in their challenging school. They don’t have the “fire in the belly’ to really kill it with grades, sports, extracurriculars, etc. Many high school students at our school are ‘tryhards’ (as the youth say) and achievers in these areas.

How do these kids become so driven? Intrinsic drive, parent pressure, parents successfully supporting their strengths? I’m sure there are all sorts of reasons – I just feel like there’s something we didn’t do/aren’t doing that would motivate them to push themselves more. I’m not suggesting they must grind themselves to the ground.

What’s the special sauce parents use? If there is any? As my kids age, I have come to realize that I have much less influence than I’d thought.



Your kids are their own people with ideas on how they want to live their lives.

Anonymous
Post 05/16/2025 21:58     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I HIGHLY recommend the book “ the Self Driven Child” by Dr . Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson, both of whom happen to be in the DMV area.

https://a.co/d/9gTFCzr

The main premise of the book is that you should let your child make their own decisions ( within reason) and not to micromanage your child.


You know I parent a lot like that book recommends, and I have one kid who is very easy going but hard working, and one who is incredibly self driven. And I kinda thought it was a product of my parenting choices.

My younger sibling raises their kids in a much more intense, parent driven fashion. Some might say "micromanaging", but I'll use more neutral words. Their kids? One is very easy going and hard working, and one is the only kid I know as self driven as my youngest.

So, now? I'd say I have no idea if the concepts in the book make a difference.


I also agree I’m not sure if it’s because of the book, but I followed it and have 3 self-driven children including 2 boys. If nothing else, I can say it didn’t hurt. There are specific points in time where I remember my telling my kids they can go farther if they want to. I remember the looks of things clicking and desires forming. It was all very novel.

They have big dreams and work hard for them. However, they are also ok with setbacks. For example, one son has his heart set on CalTech, but I think he’ll be just fine if he doesn’t get in.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2025 21:11     Subject: Re:How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want a kid like that. They tend to have higher rates of anxiety, burnout, depression, eating disorders, etc. I'd rather than my "Bs are fine!" kid. They are mentally healthy and can enjoy life.


I just posted. I was always driven but luckily avoided all of those mental health issues, except for one bout of depression but that was related to infertility issues at the time.

One side of a non-driven kid to watch out for is if they have too much free time they get caught up in social media and video games.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2025 21:07     Subject: How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
For me it was intrinsic. My parents supported me in that they provided me a stable and loving household, and as I got into HS they paid for enrichment. Beyond that they did not push me academically.

I am the same with my kids. I don’t push, though I do observe them more than my parents did, so I can provide supports if needed.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2025 21:01     Subject: Re:How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?
I wouldn't want a kid like that. They tend to have higher rates of anxiety, burnout, depression, eating disorders, etc. I'd rather than my "Bs are fine!" kid. They are mentally healthy and can enjoy life.