Plan accordingly. Team Wife.

Anonymous wrote:It's not about who you love more. You need to understand that if your mom is unable to live alone, guess what, she's not going to miraculously be independent when living with you. It's not as much about where she lives, but how. Who is going to prepare foods, feed her, take her to bathroom, wash her, do all the other basic things that we, independent adults, do ourselves? Add in medical issues, and someone has to take care of those as well. Would you become a full-time nurse/caretaker to your mother? If yes, you move in with her in her house and have a go. I think most men approach eldercare completely unrealistically.

But that wouldn't be fair to OP's wife either. Presumably, right now there are things that OP does that he wouldn't be able to if he's a full time caretaker to his mother. OP would have to quit his job, so that would be less household income. If they have more than one kid, and they usually need to each drive a kid to various activities in the afternoon/on weekends, now OP won't be able to do his share of the driving, so what happens? Do they hire a driver or tell the kids they can no longer do activities?
Maybe OP is the one in charge of mowing the lawn or cooking dinner each night while the wife has other household chores--if OP is taking care of his mom and can't do that, now the wife will have to do double the amount of chores or they will have to hire help (with the much lower income since OP has quit his job...)
So OP taking on all this additional work on his own isn't even a fair solution.

It's not about who you love more. You need to understand that if your mom is unable to live alone, guess what, she's not going to miraculously be independent when living with you. It's not as much about where she lives, but how. Who is going to prepare foods, feed her, take her to bathroom, wash her, do all the other basic things that we, independent adults, do ourselves? Add in medical issues, and someone has to take care of those as well. Would you become a full-time nurse/caretaker to your mother? If yes, you move in with her in her house and have a go. I think most men approach eldercare completely unrealistically.

She will learn to live with it.

There are real cultural differences at work here too. I come from a working class ethnic family, and my mom’s parents moved in with us and my dad’s widowed father moved in with one of my aunts before they died. It wasn’t great but it was just what was done. My husband’s mc to umc WASP family would never remotely consider this sort of arrangement. If

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

Brunch Granny has entered the chat.

The no vote wins.

You’ll need to come up with another solution, whether an aide or assisted living etc.

My mother was a saint dealing with my father's mother living in her home for 20 years. My grandmother was a very bitter, difficult woman who complained incessantly about everything.

I would never live with my MIL for this reason. Get her the care she needs living nearby.

OP - my DH thinks the same as you. He knows I don’t want her to move in, and that I don’t like his mother. He wouldn’t want my mother to move in and finds her annoying.

But I understand we have to do something. I looked into assisted living and it looks like it’s around 10k a month. I think she should live on her own as long as possible, then we move her to apt near us when we have to, then in with us if necessary with the help of an aide, then a facility. I’m trying to minimize the financial damage - we have kids that those resources should go to.

As much as I resent her for this and more, I realize we have to have some plan. I also refuse to spend the next 10 years walking her to bathroom, giving her baths, ect…

Your wife has said no because she knows the caregiving will fall to her. She's smart to have clear boundaries and say no.

I would not move in my parents or in laws either. Like PPs have said people are living way longer than they have a good quality of life. The situation is unsustainable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife comes first. Find a home or assistance for your mother. Do not move her in!

No truer words. In short, f*^% your mum. (If you want to keep your marriage, that is - and if you are American in birth or mindset. I’m in Indian neighborhood and grandma rules the cake here.)

This is not a superior approach, just a different one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

Trying to get plus points? It's bad not to help her, but they are talking about moving her in. There are so many things to consider including her wishes. Imagine she doesn't want to move in and some stranger here says that she is horrible.

What’s a “plus point?” If you get enough, can you trade them in for a Weeble?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

+1

100% agree. This country has no respect and love for family and elders. Gross.

Making sure your parents are well cared for does not require uprooting your entire home life and moving them in. It truly changes every aspect of your home life. I am not willing to be miserable in our own home or have one of our parents rule our home as mentioned in a prior post. However, we will go to the ends of the earth to make sure our parents have the care they need whether it’s in their home or assisted living.

Every one I know that has had a parent move in has quickly realized it was the wrong decision and in many cases realized they couldn’t adequately meet their parents needs. Housing them with you does not equate to making sure their needs are met.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

+1

100% agree. This country has no respect and love for family and elders. Gross.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

If you never had an in-law move in with you, shut up.
And if you have, don't wish the same on other people!

But I suspect you're Smug Grandma. You have the big house in the country, invite all your kids and grandkids for celebrations, etc. And despite all of that, I highly doubt they'll want to live with you in your old age. But they still love you.

New poster here.
I suspect it's "that's what good people do" poster. Her parents took in elderly family members when she was a teen, because "that's what good people do." Even when another poster said that her elderly family member was mentally and physically abusive, sexually inappropriate with her teenager, and had coprophagia--this poster assured us that her family went through all that too, but still kept the family member in the home because "that's what good people do." Apparently her belief is that "good people" allow their children to be abused.