Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a full time nanny but she only works 9-5:30, Monday-Friday while DH and I are working.

We have respite care for 11 hours per week but they only show up about half of the time.

I know it seems like it should be enough and we have more support than other people but I don’t know what to say. We just can’t handle him.

First I am sorry. Second, since you are here asking for advice I’m going to be 100% on a space of my experience: you need to table divorce, separation etc for now. Sorry, but the only thing you and your husband should focus on is your kids. The NT child should probably be having some therapy if the SN child is taking up all of your available resources.

And you need to be looking at all of the treatment options and harnessing all of the resources and spending all of the dollars frankly. Get a psychiatrist if you don’t have one.

When our son was seven he had violent outbursts at school (I’m not comparing but it was bad) and we did DBT, CBT, OT, social skills, and group therapy. He was diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. We got him medicated. I went down to part-time and he eventually went to private school. It was significantly better within six months and he was a different kid within a year. He’s 14 now and thriving.

You need risperdal, abilify, something in that category of medication. Possibly something like Prozac.

He is not mentally in a place where behavioral therapy can help. Your kid needs medication.

Your DS needs medication. What is he on now and what have you tried?

Anonymous wrote:Can you handle your DS if it’s just you and him? IOW your NT child would go with the opposite parent. This is now my friend’s family handled her violent brother (who later was diagnosed with schizophrenia) and it helped protect her.

I know the point of a post was that your child needs to adults to watch him at any given time but is there a way to kind of childproof the house and precook food so that you and your husband can switch off on some nights? I did what you did with a child like that for many years and it just was unsustainable and everybody is broken. You need some breaks OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce but stay in the house. Date others outside of the house.

This. See if his dad will live in the basement and help out when needed. Men seem to like their freedom anyway. You won't find another guy who wants to live in that situation. Sorry.

no. Much better for both parents to have their own houses so there can be respite for the other parent (and more importantly the sibling)

The side by side house or apartment is almost ideal if people can find that. Ik a family that does not have a second place that close but they do share the second place for respite.

My friend who has a child with severe autism and ID and a NT sibling did this in VA. She hired a SN certified Au pair for the SN child and supplemented with the respite care. She had the child go to school and the Au pair work from pick up until 8 for many years. The older child went to school and after care and summer camp sleep away. You need more help OP and you may be able to stagger it after school now? Your husband needs to get a place nearby for respite for your NT kid, and you need respite too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce but stay in the house. Date others outside of the house.

This. See if his dad will live in the basement and help out when needed. Men seem to like their freedom anyway. You won't find another guy who wants to live in that situation. Sorry.

no. Much better for both parents to have their own houses so there can be respite for the other parent (and more importantly the sibling)

Anonymous wrote:Divorce but stay in the house. Date others outside of the house.

This. See if his dad will live in the basement and help out when needed. Men seem to like their freedom anyway. You won't find another guy who wants to live in that situation. Sorry.

I am not sure what your housing situation is but the family know bought a side by side duplex. Each parent officially had a side. They didn’t have an official custody schedule as they both needed to be hands on much of the time due to the needs of their SN child. It also gave their two non SN children a place to go that was quiet and safe. The SN child spent time at dads during the day but always slept on moms side for continuity. They had a futon in the office / den on moms side and dad used that if he was there at night.

It gave them both a break from each other and time away for them and the other kids from the SN child. I am sure it was far from perfect but they did it for a few years.

I also saw a documentary once of a family that had 2 apartments in the same building. A similar set up.

Op, what is the prognosis for your kid? Is he ID? What about wrap around services at school?

BTDT and am now on the other side with a 14 yr old. exDH and I separated when DS was 5 due to his behaviors.

I've learned that my "normal" is 2 deviations from the mean of the curve. When I got to the point of screaming for help, I was now more like 4 deviations from the mean. You are not alone and you are not the first. Here's what worked for us.

1. It's time for a serious evaluation. Shepherd Pratt is amazing and takes kids as young as 5. Between 6-8, my kid did 3 stays there. They're not going to magically fix the issue, but they will be able to do 24x7 observation and adjust medications. That's going to be a significant part of the battle at the moment.

2. PCIT--you and DH, even if he becomes exDH need to be on the same page. Responses from both of you need to be consistent. My ex and I had and still have a great relationship, we would go to therapy and then out to dinner to talk about what we learned, how we would implement it, and just have some adult time. You need a great sitter for this and it sounds like you have that.

3. Strong IEP--Sheppard Pratt can help you get started on this as well. Think of it like this...when you have a bad day at work, you carry your bad attitude home. Over the years, you've learned to manage your emotions and separate them. Your 6 yr old cannot. He needs to be in a supportive school environment. A place like the Lourie School is fantastic.

4. Make friends with the other parents at your new school. You're all in this together. You have the same challenges and can be each others support. It's great to be able to text a friend and say I can't believe he did this and know that you're not being judged.

5. Find a great community therapist and psychiatrist. Your run of the mill person isn't going to be able to handle your kid. You want someone that has done a residency/training in either a child psych hospital or the juvenile system. They've seen it all and aren't scared by your kids behaviors.

6. Find a time that you can talk with your kid. When my kid was little, he used to ask to go on car rides at night. He would sit in the back and the dark gave him cover to share his feelings. He also used to crawl into my bed and we would have what amounted to pillow talk. But it was the safety and darkness that allowed him to open up.

7. Make a safety plan. You need to do this with your child and his therapist. In my case, I had a deadbolt installed on my bedroom door and I put a mini fridge and snacks in my room. DD and I could escape there if necessary.

8. If you need to place sharp objects out of reach, do so.

9. Figure out a summer plan as soon as you can.

10. I believe you mentioned another child. If you didn't, ignore this point. But just in case, don't forget you have other children. My daughter ultimately went to boarding school in order to give her a normal teenage experience.

I know I didn't give you specific advice around divorce. You're going to have the same issues whether you divorce or not. For me, ex DH finally stepped up and started helping once we separated and there was no one else available.

You do have the capacity to do this. I know if feels like you can't, but you can. There are support groups out there like DMDD (search on FB) that have people experiencing the same issues as you every day.

Divorce did make things easier because we no longer had to try and pretend to focus on our relationship. At the end of the day, when I was beaten down and had no more left to give and all I wanted was a bath and bed, no one was asking me for sex.

Good luck. There were times I felt nothing but despair. But my kids and I made it through. My marriage however did not.

Anonymous wrote:This sounds so hard, OP. You’re clearly a good person and a good mom.

This. And you deserve some peace and happiness. Yes, divorce. Hire a new nanny that is just special needs oriented and put the older child in public and after care and tons of sports with car pools. Send him to YMCA camp. Make sure he is super busy as cheaply as you can. If the cost of housing is an issue be prepared to nest. Your child is young and you are going to be beyond burned out soon. Force your husband to step up by divorcing him. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds miserable and unbearable and you need change. Have you tried a serious behavioral medicine?

What is your financial situation? Can you host a SN au pair? How old is the NT kid? Maybe you could stay married until they go to college and then you’d have 1:1 coverage for the SN child.

Anonymous wrote:You need to try a big gun behavior medicine like risperodone. Get a physiatrist involved and try some sedating meds. You need to get your son under as much control as you can. He should likely be receiving intensive behavioral therapy but I know that’s so hard to get if no ASD.

Then yes, divorce. You would likely each be far happier only doing this half of the time. Where are you? Some states you can get in home respite care. My friend does in VA. You need to reach out to a lawyer and get all your options on the table.

+1.

Can you handle your DS if it’s just you and him? IOW your NT child would go with the opposite parent. This is now my friend’s family handled her violent brother (who later was diagnosed with schizophrenia) and it helped protect her.