Anonymous wrote:I have 2 sons (9 and 11) and I'm starting to really worry that they'll grow up, get married and never want to see me, where I know daughters tend to stay much closer to their moms. Have you all found that your older sons want you in their lives still, and you have good relationships?

OP they are only 9and 11. Right now you are the one with a problem!

How is your husband's relationship with his mother? is that why you are worried about their future?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

This is so sad. Control access? I wouldn’t want to live my life at the mercy of someone else

That’s just the facts. You can bury your head in the sand and never see your kids or grandkids or you can wake up and understand how the world works.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 sons (9 and 11) and I'm starting to really worry that they'll grow up, get married and never want to see me, where I know daughters tend to stay much closer to their moms. Have you all found that your older sons want you in their lives still, and you have good relationships?

My mom treated me poorly so I became much closer to my mil. I tried to stay close but I’m not a priority and how she treats me isn’t ok. You seem to play favorites.

play favorites with who? how are you getting that? little bit of a psycho take based on nothing.

I'm glad someone else also thought this accusation of playing favorites came from way left field.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread makes me wonder if there is any point in having kids - esp if they are men

Well, it’s a bit late for most of us to be making that call.

I have one long-awaited child who is my sun and moon. He’s a boy. I hear people casually saying how boys never talk to their mothers once they are grown, and it cracks my heart open. But even if I knew he’d never contact me again I still wouldn’t want to have not had him, because raising him has been the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.

But I’m going to do my best to make sure that he and any future family actually WANT to spend time with us!

All of this (though I have two kids and one is a girl). I

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's mom is in his life still. She's a good MIL in general, and she respects his and my boundaries. That's key-- I know I can trust her to do that at all times.

Same. We live about an our away from MIL and see her sometimes twice a month but other times it goes on for a few months based on schedules/vacations. He makes a point to have lunch with her once a quarter.

omg that's the most depressing line i've ever read.
You make a person and raise them and then they 'make a point to have lunch with you once a quarter' in similar manner to a financial advisor.

Yeah. Yikes. Like a financial report.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's mom is in his life still. She's a good MIL in general, and she respects his and my boundaries. That's key-- I know I can trust her to do that at all times.

Same. We live about an our away from MIL and see her sometimes twice a month but other times it goes on for a few months based on schedules/vacations. He makes a point to have lunch with her once a quarter.

omg that's the most depressing line i've ever read.
You make a person and raise them and then they 'make a point to have lunch with you once a quarter' in similar manner to a financial advisor.

Mother of a late teenage son — read that the same way. Very obligation-oriented. Made me think that the answer to the question is no, you won’t really see them that much, even with perfect behavior.

Anonymous wrote:We have two sons and completely understand that whomever they marry will likely control access to our sons and grandkids, so we will make it a point to be good in-laws.

Our plan is to move near one when they have kids (and then rent near the other if needed) so we can be helpful. We hope they live somewhere fun/cool/warmish.

This is so sad. Control access? I wouldn’t want to live my life at the mercy of someone else

It’s a choice OP.

You can be living and supportive and pay for their travel to places they can have a true vacation, and you will spend time with them.

Or you can be demanding and entitled and see how often they’re too busy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's mom is in his life still. She's a good MIL in general, and she respects his and my boundaries. That's key-- I know I can trust her to do that at all times.

Same. We live about an our away from MIL and see her sometimes twice a month but other times it goes on for a few months based on schedules/vacations. He makes a point to have lunch with her once a quarter.

omg that's the most depressing line i've ever read.
You make a person and raise them and then they 'make a point to have lunch with you once a quarter' in similar manner to a financial advisor.

He has a one on one with her so they can have individual time once a quarter In addition to us already seeing her twice a month as a family.

Still super depressing. I live across the Atlantic from my parents and I have more 1:1 time with each of them than this. Maybe bc I am a woman?

You travel to see them more than four times a year and without your partner/children?

You will be very unhappy if you worry about possible problems 20 years before they even arrive!

My DAUGHTER lives one state over and we go weeks without talking. And months without visits. She is just very busy.

I am sad that it is not more, but they get to choose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH's mom is in his life still. She's a good MIL in general, and she respects his and my boundaries. That's key-- I know I can trust her to do that at all times.

Same. We live about an our away from MIL and see her sometimes twice a month but other times it goes on for a few months based on schedules/vacations. He makes a point to have lunch with her once a quarter.

Same as above.

My MIL lives a Sea away from us so as a family we see her once or twice per year but my husband talks to her regularly, once per week or more depending what's going on at the time.

They always had a good relationship so it has maintained, we've been married for 20 years.

I have two sons, one in college and he calls me every week (sometimes more) and we chat for a while.

My 16yr. old texts me a few times per day and we always chat at home.

I predict our relationship will be like my hubby's and his mom. Open, loving and non-judgmental.

Anonymous wrote:Think of your own life, OP. How often do you go visit your ILs?

I know growing up, even though my father's parents were closer (~1 hr away) than my mom's parents (~3hrs away), we saw my maternal grandparents more. We spent almost every Christmas and most Thanksgivings with them now that I think back.

From what I've seen with my own family (siblings, cousins, etc) and friends, this saying is true: a daughter is a daughter for life, and a son is son until he takes a wife.

Irrelevant. If it's every Sunday does that set the expectation, if it's every 10 years is that right?

In our extended family - grandparents usually help with grandkids, may live close to or with their adult children (in AC's house or their own house) - so we are used to people being part of the extended family and coming together frequently for holidays, and meals etc. Most of the younger generation is in and out of their parents home. It is like their mother-ship.

Think of your own life, OP. How often do you go visit your ILs?

I know growing up, even though my father's parents were closer (~1 hr away) than my mom's parents (~3hrs away), we saw my maternal grandparents more. We spent almost every Christmas and most Thanksgivings with them now that I think back.

From what I've seen with my own family (siblings, cousins, etc) and friends, this saying is true: a daughter is a daughter for life, and a son is son until he takes a wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread makes me wonder if there is any point in having kids - esp if they are men

Well, it’s a bit late for most of us to be making that call.

I have one long-awaited child who is my sun and moon. He’s a boy. I hear people casually saying how boys never talk to their mothers once they are grown, and it cracks my heart open. But even if I knew he’d never contact me again I still wouldn’t want to have not had him, because raising him has been the most fun I’ve ever had in my life.

But I’m going to do my best to make sure that he and any future family actually WANT to spend time with us!

You definitely have the right approach. I only have girls and both were long awaited and very loved. I will do everything in my power to continue to lead and foster a relationship with them and their families, fully embracing the men they choose to marry. I know I've raised them well and they will make good choices for themselves. In other words I fully trust and respect them. I do expect the same trust in return, which I already see from them.