Anonymous wrote:My son Had the same issues. He’s really growing out of it now at age 22. What we did was to encourage him but not force it except where it wasn’t something we could do for him. So for example I would ask for things in a restaurant. But if he had a school project and needed to ask for things from the librarian, I would be sure that he knew how to ask for what he needed, but he had to do that himself.

Medication helped. But so did success and maturity. Success breeds more success. Customer facing job had no real impact. He had been working at a deli and then Starbucks since he was 16 with no effect on his social anxiety.

Thanks for responding. What meds helped? Was he able to wean off?

My son Had the same issues. He’s really growing out of it now at age 22. What we did was to encourage him but not force it except where it wasn’t something we could do for him. So for example I would ask for things in a restaurant. But if he had a school project and needed to ask for things from the librarian, I would be sure that he knew how to ask for what he needed, but he had to do that himself.

Medication helped. But so did success and maturity. Success breeds more success. Customer facing job had no real impact. He had been working at a deli and then Starbucks since he was 16 with no effect on his social anxiety.

Therapy will help. Look for CBT. He needs exposure therapy. DD was just like this in middle school. She couldn’t speak up. The therapist gave her small homework assignments to build up the skills though they felt huge to her. I remember one was to go to Starbucks and place her own order. She was motivated because she begged for Starbucks and I always said no. She had other assignments like say good morning to your teacher. Your son is older so it will be tougher to find the thing that motivates him to try but the therapist will know how to approach it.

Our kid, now 17, was exactly like this. What really helped improve the situation was that my kid really likes to shop, so at around age 13, we started handing over the credit card during shopping and making DC go up to the counter and pay for things. Same thing at the ice cream shop. It didn't fix things but helped tremendously. Unfortunately, this is a learned behavior. My spouse is the nicest person and does this with strangers. If spouse waits in line for 45 minutes and has 3 transactions, spouse will get to front of line and see that there are a lot of people waiting and just conduct 1 transaction to not keep others waiting. Then will have to spend more time to come back and finish.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Join gym, muscles often boost young men's confidence.

He does work out a lot, and you’re right, it does boost his confidence. He’s a good looking guy, just comes off as insecure and shy. Which I hate for him bc I was similar and it does hold a person back from trying things.

No worries, some girl boss will snatch him in no time.

I honestly don’t see anything too bad about what you’ve described. Someone has to ask for a check and it’s usually the outgoing person, no biggie.
He also seems considerate towards his roommates. I don’t know what the deal was with the light, maybe he doesn’t want to turn it on but can’t say no to you.
My kid is younger but he’s been on the shy side all his life. And yes I did ask for things for him, until one day he would say - I’ll do it myself, and he did.
I would support him, maybe find a group or a therapist but I wouldn’t push it that much. It’s really on him now, if he is reasonably happy, I’d leave him be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he been medicated for social anxiety? My biggest life regret is that I didn’t do that in my 20s.

This and therapy

I'd say the exact opposite of this.

Anonymous wrote:Has he been medicated for social anxiety? My biggest life regret is that I didn’t do that in my 20s.

This and therapy

Anonymous wrote:Get him a customer facing retail job.

This is a great suggestion. The forced interactions will loosen him up and he will become more social.

OP you need to stop enabling him. If he wants to ask the waiter for something, he needs to either ask himself, or suffer. I know it's uncomfortable for him, but that's how you learn and grow.

Anonymous wrote:This was my kid at 19 too. Customer-facing jobs (restaurant, camp counselor) helped a lot. In the past 2 years, her confidence has increased a lot. She also did some informational interviews with family friends regarding careers and I think it helped with job interview confidence in general.

Op this is great advice. He was a camp counselor one summer and that definitely helped. He has seemed to regress unfortunately (lots of hours at the library at college) so I’ve got to push him to get back out there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d let him suffer. I can’t believe you’re ordering for him in restaurants- my kids were doing that before 5! You’ve caused this. Stop helping him by doing things for him. Encourage him to think out what to say and what will happen if he says it. The rest is up to him.

Always the nasty people come out. You must be so bored.

Where did I say I was doing that? He’d like me to on some level, maybe, but I don’t. But he regresses when he’s stressed and will ask me to ask the waiter for the bill when he wants to leave, as example.

NP. So, don't do it.

Say, "oh, sorry, Larlo, but I'd love another glass of wine/ cup of coffee before we go!"

Op. If you read the chain, that’s what I’m doing. Maybe it wasn’t you, but to the nasty posters above, I’m baffled why people with young kids are posting on this thread for adult children. So weird that this is how people get their jollies

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d let him suffer. I can’t believe you’re ordering for him in restaurants- my kids were doing that before 5! You’ve caused this. Stop helping him by doing things for him. Encourage him to think out what to say and what will happen if he says it. The rest is up to him.

Always the nasty people come out. You must be so bored.

Where did I say I was doing that? He’d like me to on some level, maybe, but I don’t. But he regresses when he’s stressed and will ask me to ask the waiter for the bill when he wants to leave, as example.

NP. So, don't do it.

Say, "oh, sorry, Larlo, but I'd love another glass of wine/ cup of coffee before we go!"

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a social anxiety virtual group session for young adults at the Ross Center for Anxiety- maybe this as an alternative to regular therapy?

This is a good lead, thank you. He might not be eligible bc of where he’s living now- out of the country- but I’ll look into it. I also have to work on getting him to admit there’s a problem.

That’s the thing. In certain ways he’s very adventurous- as ex, he moved to a new country for school and he loves to travel - but then he’ll suddenly be shy about calling his doctor and asking for an appointment.

I think there is a social anxiety virtual group session for young adults at the Ross Center for Anxiety- maybe this as an alternative to regular therapy?