Our kids have very kindly told us that we're great parents and that they have a lot of friends whose parents stink in comparison. They could be blowing smoke but I prefer to believe them LOL We are FAR from perfect but we apologize when we've screwed up and we listen to them when they disagree with us.

Criticize me often.

Appreciate me rarely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

The resources are not just having the vegetables. Having the energy to put that meal together is also a resource. If you don’t have the energy, scrambled eggs is the best you can do.

Scrambled eggs isn’t the best you can do— scrambled eggs is what you chose. Maybe you chose to use that energy to read books to your kid and maybe you chose to use it sitting in front of the television but own your choices. Even if you were tired you were capable of cooking a vegetable.

There is nothing wrong with scrambled eggs once in a while. Focusing on every meal being perfect, at the expense of time with your child or your own well-being, does not make you a good parent. What a weird flex.

This is a typical DCUM competitive answer. Always be better than.

There are some offenses that adult kids can't get over, but I think most of the baggage really comes from how parents continue treating the kids as adults. If the parents are loving and supportive of their adult children, there's no reason to cut them off. The stuff from childhood will fade and heal. But if the parent continues to be manipulative, abusive, play favorites, be controlling or otherwise cause drama, it's hard to let the childhood stuff go.

My mom thinks I'm hung up on stuff from when I was a kid, but it's really about how critical she is of me as an adult. I walk away from every interaction feeling judged and criticized. I don't need that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

+1

My youngest daughter is very bright and accomplished. She is 33. She is unhappy and blames her mother. Her mother isn’t as “bad”as my daughter thinks, but my wife made the mistake of significantly favoring the older sister. My mother who spent her adult life as an addict informed my wife of the perils of favoritism as she was wracked by guilt, but my wife dismissed this input as coming from a fat, dumb and lazy addict. I am an identical twin and was grossly disfavored, beaten and abused by my father. I know how badly that treatment stings. I told my daughter I left home at 18 with no support from anyone to attend great schools and make a life. No way my parents were ever going to support me in any way and I learned to respect the guy in the mirror as a 15 year old. Not easy for a beaten kid with his head always down. Sure, I reached adulthood a bit early. I tell my daughter she should now have her own emotional orbit not dependent on her parents. It is not getting through, and she is far more than the typical unhappy. She is very bright and likely was the best student in the state (perfect PSAT and SAT scores and a phenom in the Ivy League), but that really works against her because she has been advised her entire life that she can “fix” anything. I am at fault here to some degree. I have always been super encouraging and supportive of her, (both my kids actually) but I have flaws and made mistakes. She is undeservedly positive about me and really doesn’t accept the notion I too am flawed. The constant focus is on punishing her mother. I was a national class athlete - something my wife despises and derides me about and doesn’t permit me to talk about without blowing up at me (not realizing that athletics permitted to gain an education and the very nice life we lead) but I worked through difficulties with a positive approach. All my trophies and awards and photos have been thrown away. I can’t imagine, however, any kind of success for me without athletics. My daughter connects with that and is the only one in the family to appreciate my somewhat miraculous efforts but in the end she is an adult and should be independent minded. She is an exec at one of the toniest banks in Europe and never wants to come back to the US because of her feelings for her mother. I can’t fix any of this and it makes me sad. I come from nothing but poverty and desperation and just didn’t imagine things would turn out this way. I am lucky given my circumstances but it is my greatest disappointment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

But doing something that someone doesn’t like or would have done differently is not necessarily a mistake or something I need to be accountable for. This is a lot like people judging previous historical generations… you can’t put yourself in their shoes because you already know the outcome.

Anonymous wrote:I think the only response to adult children criticizing the way you raised them is to listen. Any sort of defensiveness just shuts down the communication. And if they are bringing this up to you, they are looking for your help in repairing something you might have messed up.

We all make mistakes. But refusing to take responsibility for those mistakes continues the damage. Listening and les ring can repair the damage. So which one do you want?

This. Even when mine were just tweens I listened to criticisms and acknowledged things where I agree I made mistakes or accepted they saw things through a tween lens and might understand in time. I listened and didn't get defensive. When I catch myself making a big mistake, I take responsibility.

My own mother cannot accept any feedback at all and has even demanded praise before. I wrote some generic nice things ina birthday card a few years ago and she yelled at me for not giving detailed praise. I survived dealing with her throughout life by going along to get along and only occasionally rebelling, but in middle age I just have too much going on so I distanced more and had to outsource a lot with her so protect my sanity. She wonders why she has so many estrangements and distanced relationships both in her family and among friendships and former friendships. It's pretty clear. Any time a friend criticizes her even gently, she goes off the rails.

Anonymous wrote:I think the only response to adult children criticizing the way you raised them is to listen. Any sort of defensiveness just shuts down the communication. And if they are bringing this up to you, they are looking for your help in repairing something you might have messed up.

We all make mistakes. But refusing to take responsibility for those mistakes continues the damage. Listening and les ring can repair the damage. So which one do you want?

This! My parents basically ignored us and let us fend for ourselves. I moved away the first chance I got. I’m a different kind of parent (I listen and apologize when I’m wrong). My sister is just like my parents and I feel so sorry for her kids.

LOL one still does every once in awhile and I answer like the previous poster.

"I did he best I could with the Knowledge and resources I had".

Sometimes I even add I am sorry and i would have changed somethings.

My other kids always say they were lucky to have us as parents.

We did not ever ground always punishment to fit the crime LOL And we were very lucky our kids were relatively easy. Everyones house is different I would never judge someone else and what goes on for them.

Asian adult child of very narcissistic Asian parents. I cannot even criticize their parenting because any critique earlier on (and I made may attempts) resulted in my father blowing up/getting angry, and my mother calling me ungrateful. Now they are in their 80s and will never change, so I just do duty visits now and then. I think people are very lucky who have children who will open up and talk about issues - because it could lead to a closer, honest relationship.

Some kids have oppositional defiance disorder and they hold parental response to manage things as the problem as they see all interactions differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

The resources are not just having the vegetables. Having the energy to put that meal together is also a resource. If you don’t have the energy, scrambled eggs is the best you can do.

Scrambled eggs isn’t the best you can do— scrambled eggs is what you chose. Maybe you chose to use that energy to read books to your kid and maybe you chose to use it sitting in front of the television but own your choices. Even if you were tired you were capable of cooking a vegetable.

There is nothing wrong with scrambled eggs once in a while. Focusing on every meal being perfect, at the expense of time with your child or your own well-being, does not make you a good parent. What a weird flex.

I didn’t say there’s something “wrong” I said they’re not “doing my best”. Admitting that sometimes we DIDN’T do our best is being honest, claiming that we always did and expecting our kids to buy it once they’re adults is lying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just say I did the best i could with the knowledge and resources that i had. And secretly think: just wait until YOU become a parent!

I’m a parent now and that answer is garbage.

We all sometimes don’t do our best. Sometimes I make scrambled eggs and toast instead of vegetables— I have the resources and I did something else. We hope that we are able to do our best when it really matters but we don’t actually know, and so we need to be ready to take responsibility and not make weak excuses.

Claiming you always did your best is just a lie.

The resources are not just having the vegetables. Having the energy to put that meal together is also a resource. If you don’t have the energy, scrambled eggs is the best you can do.

Scrambled eggs isn’t the best you can do— scrambled eggs is what you chose. Maybe you chose to use that energy to read books to your kid and maybe you chose to use it sitting in front of the television but own your choices. Even if you were tired you were capable of cooking a vegetable.

There is nothing wrong with scrambled eggs once in a while. Focusing on every meal being perfect, at the expense of time with your child or your own well-being, does not make you a good parent. What a weird flex.

Anonymous wrote:My parents were wonderful parents in many respects when I was a child but there were things I wish they did different that I do differently with my own kids. I might talk about it with my husband, but not with anyone else. I feel no need to discuss this with my parents because what would be the point?

Oddly after I became an adult my parents became extremely cruel, which I and everyone around me has been shocked by. I have not discussed this with them specifically, I have simply distanced myself.

I am thankful for their parenting when I was a child. I do not appreciate how they now interact with me as an adult but I also no longer need a parent in that same way anymore so in my perspective it’s really no longer a parenting situation.

What do you wish they did differently? I'm sorry they turned mean.