Anonymous
02/22/2025 21:32
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
It works but only when the people involved are wanting to work on things and have the same outcome. If one person wants to do work on things and stay together and the other doesn’t it will not work.
Anonymous
02/22/2025 20:04
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
Same PP as above. I should have spent that time taking a year (12 months) off, getting sleep, and working on myself. It would have been A LOT cheaper. I have no idea about the outcome (that would be stupid to try to predict), but I know I would have handled the break up in a more productive fashion. I need time to do that. Not time with a therapist at 7:30 AM before work.
Anonymous
02/22/2025 20:01
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
Thanks. I'll check the NYTimes Magazine. That was a painful time for me! I wish someone really would have given me a talking to. Now we are friends/friendly, as we raise two kids together. I don't mind taking responsibilities as he goes out with or stays at his girlfriends. He seems happier. I am happy he seems happy.
He is financially responsible about our family, which I am thrilled about. I have two hard- charging female friends, similar to me. Both are engineers. I would tell them to work on themselves first, before communicating with or through a couples therapist. (Neither has asked me for my thoughts yet). Why is that? Because my female friends are about 50 percent of the problem. That's a lot! I like to say I was at least 50 percent of the problem in my marriage-relationship. I got lazy with the relationship maintenance and I became self-centered and resentful. I could not get past "the resent" part. + That is putting a good spin on it!
He is financially responsible about our family, which I am thrilled about. I have two hard- charging female friends, similar to me. Both are engineers. I would tell them to work on themselves first, before communicating with or through a couples therapist. (Neither has asked me for my thoughts yet). Why is that? Because my female friends are about 50 percent of the problem. That's a lot! I like to say I was at least 50 percent of the problem in my marriage-relationship. I got lazy with the relationship maintenance and I became self-centered and resentful. I could not get past "the resent" part. + That is putting a good spin on it!
Anonymous
02/22/2025 19:12
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
If you have a male spouse who needs couples counseling you should read this https://www.nytimes.com/2025/02/04/magazine/therapy-marriage-couples-counseling.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
Anonymous
02/22/2025 17:48
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
We did marriage counseling. We were fighting about a lot and I was unhappy in the marriage. I felt like the focus of counseling was “staying together” to keep the marriage going. It worked for a few years but ultimately we are divorcing. I wish the counselor had more used clarity as an end goal. I’m annoyed I wasted that much time still in the marriage.
Anonymous
02/19/2025 19:36
Subject: Re:Marriage counseling. Does it work?
No.
Anonymous
02/19/2025 18:28
Subject: Re:Marriage counseling. Does it work?
Not for us. We had a female therapist who worked part time. She laughed at my husband's jokes, and said that marriages with wives working full time got into a lot of trouble. When I said that I wasnt' going part time to save my marriage, she asked my husband, around session 6, to take over 50% of things at home. He resisted and so we quit going to therapy.
Fair Play and just dropping the rope on everything I didn't care about (his laundry, buying gifts for him and his family, making things he preferred for dinner) helped a lot more than therapy. Plus, buying myself gifts rather than telling him in detail what I wanted so he could take credit for buying them for me, when I did all the work and paid for half of the gift.
Fair Play and just dropping the rope on everything I didn't care about (his laundry, buying gifts for him and his family, making things he preferred for dinner) helped a lot more than therapy. Plus, buying myself gifts rather than telling him in detail what I wanted so he could take credit for buying them for me, when I did all the work and paid for half of the gift.
Anonymous
02/19/2025 17:15
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
OK, that is an extraordinary story.
I think determination helps. I did not experience determination in my counseling. We squeezed it in between child care, driving to camps, working full time (both of us), each commuting one hour each way to work (both of us), civic and school volunteering.
Maybe if my kids were late teens or we were empty nesters: I could have been that lady
I do okay. I still look good. I date, I’ve mellowed out a good amount!
I think determination helps. I did not experience determination in my counseling. We squeezed it in between child care, driving to camps, working full time (both of us), each commuting one hour each way to work (both of us), civic and school volunteering.
Maybe if my kids were late teens or we were empty nesters: I could have been that lady
I do okay. I still look good. I date, I’ve mellowed out a good amount!
Anonymous
02/19/2025 15:39
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
I know one couple who went to counselling successfully. Wife was frequently (almost constantly) critical and condescending. She thought she was funny or charming but she wasn't, at least much of the time, even though she seemed to love him in her good moments. Husband was somewhat undisciplined but made a good living and was a good dad, and he obviously loved her. Seeing them together was uncomfortable for other people because she was so insulting.
After their kids went to college, he saw an old GF at an event and they had an affair. Realizing that he was a smart and decent looking guy who could be appreciated by someone, he decided to leave the marriage. I wasn't surprised.
But then the wife begged to go to counselling. She said she would change and she really did change. He probably improved too, but her changes were more obvious. They stayed together and both made a huge effort to be nice to one another. They've been together for many years since then.
After their kids went to college, he saw an old GF at an event and they had an affair. Realizing that he was a smart and decent looking guy who could be appreciated by someone, he decided to leave the marriage. I wasn't surprised.
But then the wife begged to go to counselling. She said she would change and she really did change. He probably improved too, but her changes were more obvious. They stayed together and both made a huge effort to be nice to one another. They've been together for many years since then.
Anonymous
02/19/2025 07:34
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
Anonymous wrote:I didn't like it but it does help with communicating with spouse. Make sure to ask around for someone good.
This is a good mindset to go into counseling…it’s not meant to be fun.
Anonymous
02/19/2025 07:12
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
Some of y'all think marriage counselor = miracle worker.
The job of a couples counselor is NOT to keep all relationships together at all costs. It's to help the partners work through their issues (individually and together) and understand what they want out of the relationship and what they are able to change to get there. A good therapist CAN teach you how to be a better listener, how to manage conflict in a healthier manner, etc. ... but only if you want to learn.
Sometimes the outcome of couples counseling is that one or both partners realizes they can't get their needs met in that relationship and they decide not to stay together. As the PP above noted, that can save people years of misery. It's not a failure of couples counseling, the therapist, or even the couple. Not every marriage/relationship is right for the people involved. Realizing that is sometimes the healthiest outcome.
That said, I find most couples who are motivated to do the work do stay together and are much happier together after therapy.
The job of a couples counselor is NOT to keep all relationships together at all costs. It's to help the partners work through their issues (individually and together) and understand what they want out of the relationship and what they are able to change to get there. A good therapist CAN teach you how to be a better listener, how to manage conflict in a healthier manner, etc. ... but only if you want to learn.
Sometimes the outcome of couples counseling is that one or both partners realizes they can't get their needs met in that relationship and they decide not to stay together. As the PP above noted, that can save people years of misery. It's not a failure of couples counseling, the therapist, or even the couple. Not every marriage/relationship is right for the people involved. Realizing that is sometimes the healthiest outcome.
That said, I find most couples who are motivated to do the work do stay together and are much happier together after therapy.
Anonymous
02/18/2025 22:11
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:For us, it did not work. My Ex wasn’t committed to it, arrived late for sessions or begged out as too busy. We ended marriage counseling after four months.
Unsurprisingly, we divorced several years later.
Both parties have to be committed to making it marriage counseling work. One person alone cannot save a relationship.
Agree. Same experience. We went to two counselors and my ex wife rejected all advice from both.
I could have been your wife! But we went to three counselors. It was a huge time investment. I always left more frustrated and more under the microscope. I know for a fact one lady is top notch (so yes as “I’m
the problem it’s me).
Wewere both catholic. I was just a terrible listener with few conflict resolution likes in a romantic partnership. Domineering mother. Now I have a lot of regrets and guilt! But, for some (many?): I vote no for couples therapy for reasons I explained. I don’t know … I just think self transformation is on its own timeline.
For my ex, I just think it served as objective validation that things weren’t going well. He exited. I would have loved him forever …and we both would have been miserable.
Anonymous
02/18/2025 22:04
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
Anonymous wrote:For us, it did not work. My Ex wasn’t committed to it, arrived late for sessions or begged out as too busy. We ended marriage counseling after four months.
Unsurprisingly, we divorced several years later.
Both parties have to be committed to making it marriage counseling work. One person alone cannot save a relationship.
Agree. Same experience. We went to two counselors and my ex wife rejected all advice from both.
Anonymous
02/18/2025 22:00
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
Anonymous wrote:Most extremely serious relationship problems cannot be solved simply by talking. Adding a third talker to the equation doesn't address this key issue. Each individual in the relationship must take positive and concrete actions towards improvement.
Agee. Same poster as above. My ex should have also gone to therapy so he could exercise boundaries with me. I needed them. I wasn’t allowing him to be him in his own home
Anonymous
02/18/2025 21:57
Subject: Marriage counseling. Does it work?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Nope. Don’t waste your time or money.
No. Self/solo therapy does work
Who wants to watch their spouse rehash things from their extreme perspective. It’s annoying and perpetuates fights
That is not what a good couples therapist does. A good therapist doesn't just let each person vent, attack, repeat criticism, etc. They would help you process the conflict so that you come away understanding each other's positions better, what triggers you, etc. Then they give you tools (and help you practice them!) to better work through the next conflict that arises.
The PP who stressed the need for specialized couples training was right on -- even great individual therapists can be terrible at working with couples. Ask potential therapists what specific training they have and how many hours their program was (60+ hours of Gottman vs a 1-hr generic continuing ed seminar), what percentage of their caseload is couples (you want someone who is doing this day in and day out, not casually), and how long couples usually stay with them (an average of 6 months is a good sign; much shorter suggests people drop out quickly and over a year suggests the therapist is not super effective - barring extreme cases of course). Don't worry too much about their specific license or even whether they are pre-licensed. You could have a PhD with 20 years of individual experience who is not as effective as a resident/supervisee who has done extensive couples training. The amount/type of training and how many couples they've worked with is your best gauge in my experience.
A good therapist can not make some listen or be receptive. How I know? I WAS the non listener. I would literally ask my ex husband not to bring up stuff and strongarm him into doing what I asked. That was ridiculous.
I wasn’t into listening to anyone. I had to do a lot of work on myself after marriage. I guarantee there are a lot of “mes” out there. No amount of couples therapy would have helped me. I needed to see a therapist on my own. With kids, two full time jobs and a sleep deficit — solo therapy is where I should have invested my limited time
Just one ladies experience.