Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids? Once I had kids I understood how much parents love their children and it changed my perspective on my parents. I appreciated them more because I knew how they felt about me

Not OP, but for me having kids has really made me wonder how my mother could be so hurtful and cruel without apology or remorse. I cannot imagine hurting them that way. I had such conflicting emotions about exposing them to grandma even if her behavior with them was better, she could not completely hide who she is.

Same here. I think the “when you have kids” things can swing both ways depending on what exactly transpired between mother and daughter. As my child grew I had to grieve all over again for how I was treated. All my life I had sort of wondered if maybe having a child would make me understand my mom better. Instead it just left me aghast at how she could treat me with such disdain. I realize the person she was belittling (me) was so so little. I remember crying in the dark at night at 4,5,6 years old after another contemptuous exchange from her and just could not imagine doing that to my child, leaving her crying to put herself to bed at night.

Are they any better now? Maybe they were just overwhelmed then. Is it a pattern that has followed them into your adulthood or are you just holding your childhood over their head for the rest of their lives?

Haha oh how you have no idea. I’m sure they were overwhelmed.

My mother looked at me with contempt almost every day of my life in the house I grew up in with her. She told me early on she had little hope in me, accused me of deviant sexual behavior when I had uti’s (I remember the first time was when I was 9 and I was uncomfortable. I learned quickly not to ask her for help if I was sick), beat me with household items (until I finally fought back as a teen), and told me I was a worthless human in about 999 different ways and the worst of my siblings. I ramble a bit but there were thousands of completely unacceptable incidents that if anyone saw in public would be appalled but she never showed that side of her outside.

When I became an adult I knew I had to get on my own two feet as soon as possible. For the brief time I lived in her house after college she made it clear that she was disgusted with me and took great pride in her own generosity in allowing an undeserving human live under her roof. I got out of there never asked her for anything again.

So yea, things are better now because I don’t depend on her for anything and haven’t in a couple decades. I forgave her long ago, when I was 23, and had an experience that made me realize I could only fully accept her and my own history with her or else I would be imprisoned by this story and the abuse.

That doesn’t wipe away the fact that physically, emotional and verbal abuse has a lasting neurological and physiological impact though.

I’ve tried to maintain contact with her for the sake of my kids and her, but she’s lashed out at me a few too many times (comments like telling me out of the blue that she could have aborted me, or snarling at me when I open the door). We are nearly no contact with her right now because when she makes comments like this it is just too hurtful. If I say anything to defend myself she will turn the tables and accuse me of abuse. I am pretty sure she has a severe personality disorder.

I am very grateful for her though. In many ways she chiseled me into the person I am. I had to dig deep to heal and know that her pain is greater than mine. For this I feel incredibly sorry for her. Whatever she experienced to have become such a person was undeserved.

My dad also abused me, mostly physically, but he stopped when I was a teen and we actually have a decent relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids? Once I had kids I understood how much parents love their children and it changed my perspective on my parents. I appreciated them more because I knew how they felt about me

Not OP, but for me having kids has really made me wonder how my mother could be so hurtful and cruel without apology or remorse. I cannot imagine hurting them that way. I had such conflicting emotions about exposing them to grandma even if her behavior with them was better, she could not completely hide who she is.

Same here. I think the “when you have kids” things can swing both ways depending on what exactly transpired between mother and daughter. As my child grew I had to grieve all over again for how I was treated. All my life I had sort of wondered if maybe having a child would make me understand my mom better. Instead it just left me aghast at how she could treat me with such disdain. I realize the person she was belittling (me) was so so little. I remember crying in the dark at night at 4,5,6 years old after another contemptuous exchange from her and just could not imagine doing that to my child, leaving her crying to put herself to bed at night.

Are they any better now? Maybe they were just overwhelmed then. Is it a pattern that has followed them into your adulthood or are you just holding your childhood over their head for the rest of their lives?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think for most people, the closeness they feel to their parents is about deep childhood connection. I am essentially estranged from my father, because he is just not interested in me and I got tired of trying to force a relationship. But the last time I saw him I remember holding his hand (he was sick in the hospital at the time) feeling so familiar and safe.

My mom and I are fairly close (they are divorced) and talk a few times a month at least and see each other once or twice a year. When we are together hugging her is so comforting to me and when we talk her voice, the rhythms of her speech and her response to things is all so familiar that it takes me right back to my childhood. I also to this day (39 years old) miss my mom every time I am sick.

So for most people I think the thing that makes the annoyances worth it are that these people feel like home to us. It’s kind of…primal? So they don’t need to be smart or interesting or fascinating.

I wonder if you and your parents just never bonded in that way.

This is spot on for me as well. They are not particularly interesting or nice or smart or anything, but it is the familiarity and shared history that bring us together (my parents are first gen). I assume this is the same with how people usually associate themselves strongly to their culture, traditions, religions, etc.

I am in my 40s. My family does not feel like home to me. It feels like stress which I’ve cast out through years of therapy!

One narcissist and codependent and invasive, and one self-centered, distant, standoffish.

Used to prefer one, now prefer other.

Anonymous wrote:Biology is just a crazy crazy thing when you have the urge to reproduce and fiercely protect your kids, but you’re supposed to cheerfully accept that they will grow up and “can’t stand you” except in limited doses.

Some of these anecdotes I can fully see why you don’t want a relationship with your parents. The OP, I’m having a hard time not seeing as a bit of a narcissist themselves. Maybe lithe apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

I am too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids? Once I had kids I understood how much parents love their children and it changed my perspective on my parents. I appreciated them more because I knew how they felt about me

Not OP, but for me having kids has really made me wonder how my mother could be so hurtful and cruel without apology or remorse. I cannot imagine hurting them that way. I had such conflicting emotions about exposing them to grandma even if her behavior with them was better, she could not completely hide who she is.

Same here. I think the “when you have kids” things can swing both ways depending on what exactly transpired between mother and daughter. As my child grew I had to grieve all over again for how I was treated. All my life I had sort of wondered if maybe having a child would make me understand my mom better. Instead it just left me aghast at how she could treat me with such disdain. I realize the person she was belittling (me) was so so little. I remember crying in the dark at night at 4,5,6 years old after another contemptuous exchange from her and just could not imagine doing that to my child, leaving her crying to put herself to bed at night.

This!

I don’t like my parents. They’re not immigrants but controlling and judgmental. They have always gaslighted and favored my brother despite his being a jerk and low achieving. At this point I’ve estranged myself from them, I was being the dutiful daughter for decades until my mom started spiraling and attacking me due to her own neuroses. I still struggle with not having close relationship but it’s more about grieving the idea rather than ever having the relationship, because we never did. I have extended family I am close to, I have my own kids now and am creating a sanctuary and chosen family instead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids? Once I had kids I understood how much parents love their children and it changed my perspective on my parents. I appreciated them more because I knew how they felt about me

Not OP, but for me having kids has really made me wonder how my mother could be so hurtful and cruel without apology or remorse. I cannot imagine hurting them that way. I had such conflicting emotions about exposing them to grandma even if her behavior with them was better, she could not completely hide who she is.

Same here. I think the “when you have kids” things can swing both ways depending on what exactly transpired between mother and daughter. As my child grew I had to grieve all over again for how I was treated. All my life I had sort of wondered if maybe having a child would make me understand my mom better. Instead it just left me aghast at how she could treat me with such disdain. I realize the person she was belittling (me) was so so little. I remember crying in the dark at night at 4,5,6 years old after another contemptuous exchange from her and just could not imagine doing that to my child, leaving her crying to put herself to bed at night.

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids? Once I had kids I understood how much parents love their children and it changed my perspective on my parents. I appreciated them more because I knew how they felt about me

Not OP, but for me having kids has really made me wonder how my mother could be so hurtful and cruel without apology or remorse. I cannot imagine hurting them that way. I had such conflicting emotions about exposing them to grandma even if her behavior with them was better, she could not completely hide who she is.

Biology is just a crazy crazy thing when you have the urge to reproduce and fiercely protect your kids, but you’re supposed to cheerfully accept that they will grow up and “can’t stand you” except in limited doses.

Some of these anecdotes I can fully see why you don’t want a relationship with your parents. The OP, I’m having a hard time not seeing as a bit of a narcissist themselves. Maybe lithe apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

My mom is a harder case. She has some great qualities, but is really volatile and can be very mean. I've realized as an adult that she has never had a friendship last for more than 2-3 years. She eventually turns on the person and is awful to them, often making up stuff that isn't true and manufacturing drama. I distanced myself from her when I was a teen because she wasn't kind to me (putting it nicely), but tried to build a more healthy relationship with her as an adult. We do okay for a bit (a few years at a time), but then it implodes and she attacks me again. I haven't had a relationship with her for about 2 years since she last exploded at me and I don't know what to do. I don't trust her to be kind or fair to me, and she's now spent two years telling the family what an awful person I am and vilifying me. So we're pretty stuck. I'd have a relationship with her if I could have firm boundaries, but I don't know how to get there. Any information she learns about me right now basically becomes family gossip about how I'm an awful person and parent, so I do my best to share as little as possible with her.

Don't get me wrong, both my parents have good aspects. They just also have major character flaws too, especially that they don't really consider me to be a full person with feelings. I'm the family punching bag and they think I deserve it.

I could have written this. I am done being hurt by her. She is a narcissist and is now character assassinating me to my sister, who sees right through it but it apparenlty not brave enough to do anything about it.