In most marriages, one person has to pay to get rid of their other from their daily lives. That is the reality of divorce. It often isn't a financially equal marriage and so one is on the line.

If the abuse is bad, why put up with it to save money? If you have been married for 20 years it is family money, not your money anyways and considering it your money is often seen as financial abuse itself.

Leave, get to a safe place. Get your supports and resources in place and you can do the legal part then.

You only have one life. Being safe and away from the abuse should be a much bigger priority for you than it seems it is. Do you have kids?

Anonymous wrote:DH has been awful - terrorizing me for months, lots of emotional and verbal abuse. I have a therapist, and every online source, including Dr Ramani would point to the fact that this marriage is over. Yet I feel horrible ending a marriage of 20 years. I am very conflicted.

If kids are already gone, yes plan your exit over the next 3-6 mos, file and do your plan.

You have no reason to stay married to him. None.

Anonymous wrote:You’re getting lots of hood advice here but you really need to talk to a lawyer about all the financial implications.

I already did. It will cost me.

You’re getting lots of hood advice here but you really need to talk to a lawyer about all the financial implications.

Plan your exit and divorce wisely.

I left after 25+ years when youngest was off to college. Never looked back.

Wo, no way to live.

Seems strange for this to crop up after 20yrs. Cheating? Otherwise may be a mental health issue.

But the longer you stay, the more it will cost you…

Anonymous wrote:idk about where you are, op, but in nyc spousal support tops out at $200k and includes child support for spouse who has kids most of the time (if either) they will impute income income upon the person who was unemployed. so i doubt you will have to pay him that much bc a judge will impute $x income onto him

I don’t think I will have to pay alimony - with his new job he makes almost as much as I do. I would have to buy him out of the house which increased in value a lot and I almost repaid the entire mortgage by now. That will be huge for me.

idk about where you are, op, but in nyc spousal support tops out at $200k and includes child support for spouse who has kids most of the time (if either) they will impute income income upon the person who was unemployed. so i doubt you will have to pay him that much bc a judge will impute $x income onto him

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On your deathbed, will you be able to look back at your life and say you were happy? I read that a lot of people on their deathbeds wished they had allowed themselves to be happy. Only they know why they didn’t let themselves.

I will have to pay him a large amount of money. He was unemployed for most of the marriage.

Pick better next time. In the meantime, cut your losses, negotiate a buy out and leave.

uh - go away? you suck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On your deathbed, will you be able to look back at your life and say you were happy? I read that a lot of people on their deathbeds wished they had allowed themselves to be happy. Only they know why they didn’t let themselves.

I will have to pay him a large amount of money. He was unemployed for most of the marriage.

this feels a little trolly.
that's not how it works in most states. surely you know this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On your deathbed, will you be able to look back at your life and say you were happy? I read that a lot of people on their deathbeds wished they had allowed themselves to be happy. Only they know why they didn’t let themselves.

I will have to pay him a large amount of money. He was unemployed for most of the marriage.

Pick better next time. In the meantime, cut your losses, negotiate a buy out and leave.

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal to feel conflicted with such a long marriage. But if he’s abusing you, the answer is obvious.

This. If you have to ask ....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On your deathbed, will you be able to look back at your life and say you were happy? I read that a lot of people on their deathbeds wished they had allowed themselves to be happy. Only they know why they didn’t let themselves.

I will have to pay him a large amount of money. He was unemployed for most of the marriage.

You have the wrong perspective on this. Every second you stay, you are guaranteed to pay him more because every dollar you earn is 50% his. Every year he is unemployed, he has a stronger argument for more and longer alimony.

Get a lawyer now and spend the money you need to get out of this.