Anonymous
Post 01/21/2025 01:40     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have always paid for her healthcare expenses. I have no problems with us helping her financially. But the money she mostly asks is for discretionary expenses not any basic needs or necessities. The issue is she feels that I should have no say in it and that whatever she wants whenever she wants she should be able to get just by calling DH and he should immediately agree. I understand that it was how it was before when my DH was unable to see how that was wrong behavior as a married couple. But now that he realizes his past mistakes and wants to make this right she obviously is having a hard time and as usual using emotional blackmail to guilt trip him back into the old ways. He can see it too and understands what’s going on.


This is great progress in your marriage, OP.
Now you and your DH need to discuss what is affordable and reasonable to give to your MIL.

Yes she is upset that he'll be discussing with you, but don't worry about that. You can't control how she feels about you. You can only control how you respond to her. And it seems you and your DH are doing a great job communicating. So kudos to you. So now figure our the $ per month for discretionary spending that you can afford.

Anonymous
Post 01/21/2025 00:18     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, your husband and his family came to Indian in the 1980s when every Jay, Raj, and Bharat was bringing over their uneducated family members to work in the local Motel 6 or Corner Store. Families like this do such a disservice to the immigrants who came over for a better education or tech jobs in the 60s and 70s, and those coming over now in the 10s and 20s. Tell your MIL to get a job. Walmart can use greeters.


My, my. Aren’t you a MAGA peach. 🍑


You know absolutely nothing about immigration from India, do you?
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2025 21:58     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
I understand all the cultural context, but the OP DOES NOT live in India. She lives here. Which means the son is out of the country and as somebody says, the MIL is SOL (by having no son there). I can imagine when you live there you have no way out, well, the OP and her DH got out. The money here legally belongs to both spouses, and if DIL works, then MIL has no claims to it. The "old customs" may have applied when women were uneducated, didn't work and relied on their husbands, then of course husband decided everything. But we don't live upon those "rules" here. That's the beauty of changing times.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2025 03:43     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:She lost her husband, for whatever reason.

Your DH is the man in her life and he is responsible for her. Same for SIL until she gets married.

That's life.



That's insane. Don't say it's the culture. It's a choice op's dh made.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2025 02:11     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People here repeat cultural context, but how is it in India, does the money belong only to the husband or the family? It shouldn't be difficult to understand anywhere in the world that once the son is married, he has a family and cannot just give out money on his own accord. Especially if it's not about basic necessities, but discretionary expenses. In many cultures, man earns the money and the woman decides how to spend it within a family:)


An Indian woman wouldn't deny her mother-in-law, so the disagreement would never happen.


So what about women's parents? Who gives them money?


It's India - if they didn't have a son they are SOL. Remember that women are property of men in India. Literally there is a ceremony for the bride to say goodbye to her family because she will no longer be a part of their family. She is now owned by her husband's family.

In India the MIL wouldn't even need ti ask for money. They - all 3 or 4 generations - would likely live together under one roof and share expenses.


This is not 1960s India, PP.

This is common even in present day India.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2025 02:10     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:People here repeat cultural context, but how is it in India, does the money belong only to the husband or the family? It shouldn't be difficult to understand anywhere in the world that once the son is married, he has a family and cannot just give out money on his own accord. Especially if it's not about basic necessities, but discretionary expenses. In many cultures, man earns the money and the woman decides how to spend it within a family

Many Indians still live in “joint” families where the parents, sons and their families all live under the same roof. Each of these setups comes up
with their own rules for handling money but the common implication is that the parents will be supported by their sons if they lack their own means. In many instances the sons will also be expected to pay for their sisters’ weddings if the parents are not able to. Works great if theirs is plenty of money to go around, not so great otherwise. Times are changing in India and many educated working women are refusing to live like this.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2025 01:35     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, your husband and his family came to Indian in the 1980s when every Jay, Raj, and Bharat was bringing over their uneducated family members to work in the local Motel 6 or Corner Store. Families like this do such a disservice to the immigrants who came over for a better education or tech jobs in the 60s and 70s, and those coming over now in the 10s and 20s. Tell your MIL to get a job. Walmart can use greeters.


My, my. Aren’t you a MAGA peach. 🍑
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2025 01:21     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:People here repeat cultural context, but how is it in India, does the money belong only to the husband or the family? It shouldn't be difficult to understand anywhere in the world that once the son is married, he has a family and cannot just give out money on his own accord. Especially if it's not about basic necessities, but discretionary expenses. In many cultures, man earns the money and the woman decides how to spend it within a family

I think you really need to educate yourself about the rights of women in much of the Arab world, parts of Asia, Africa.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2025 00:07     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People here repeat cultural context, but how is it in India, does the money belong only to the husband or the family? It shouldn't be difficult to understand anywhere in the world that once the son is married, he has a family and cannot just give out money on his own accord. Especially if it's not about basic necessities, but discretionary expenses. In many cultures, man earns the money and the woman decides how to spend it within a family:)


An Indian woman wouldn't deny her mother-in-law, so the disagreement would never happen.


So what about women's parents? Who gives them money?


It's India - if they didn't have a son they are SOL. Remember that women are property of men in India. Literally there is a ceremony for the bride to say goodbye to her family because she will no longer be a part of their family. She is now owned by her husband's family.

In India the MIL wouldn't even need ti ask for money. They - all 3 or 4 generations - would likely live together under one roof and share expenses.


This is not 1960s India, PP.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2025 00:07     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, your husband and his family came to Indian in the 1980s when every Jay, Raj, and Bharat was bringing over their uneducated family members to work in the local Motel 6 or Corner Store. Families like this do such a disservice to the immigrants who came over for a better education or tech jobs in the 60s and 70s, and those coming over now in the 10s and 20s. Tell your MIL to get a job. Walmart can use greeters.


Should have said "came to America", not "came to Indian"
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2025 00:07     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Let me guess, your husband and his family came to Indian in the 1980s when every Jay, Raj, and Bharat was bringing over their uneducated family members to work in the local Motel 6 or Corner Store. Families like this do such a disservice to the immigrants who came over for a better education or tech jobs in the 60s and 70s, and those coming over now in the 10s and 20s. Tell your MIL to get a job. Walmart can use greeters.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2025 23:14     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People here repeat cultural context, but how is it in India, does the money belong only to the husband or the family? It shouldn't be difficult to understand anywhere in the world that once the son is married, he has a family and cannot just give out money on his own accord. Especially if it's not about basic necessities, but discretionary expenses. In many cultures, man earns the money and the woman decides how to spend it within a family:)


An Indian woman wouldn't deny her mother-in-law, so the disagreement would never happen.


So what about women's parents? Who gives them money?


It's India - if they didn't have a son they are SOL. Remember that women are property of men in India. Literally there is a ceremony for the bride to say goodbye to her family because she will no longer be a part of their family. She is now owned by her husband's family.

In India the MIL wouldn't even need ti ask for money. They - all 3 or 4 generations - would likely live together under one roof and share expenses.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2025 23:05     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People here repeat cultural context, but how is it in India, does the money belong only to the husband or the family? It shouldn't be difficult to understand anywhere in the world that once the son is married, he has a family and cannot just give out money on his own accord. Especially if it's not about basic necessities, but discretionary expenses. In many cultures, man earns the money and the woman decides how to spend it within a family:)


An Indian woman wouldn't deny her mother-in-law, so the disagreement would never happen.


So what about women's parents? Who gives them money?
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2025 22:18     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
It doesn't surprise me that she's upset. He's basically told her that every dollar from now on will be subject to two people's consensus agreement rather than just him. So she feels very insecure and threatened. I'm totally on Team OP here, but it's obvious MIL would not be happy about this and would get really anxious. It's terrifying to be an older person dependent on others.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2025 20:47     Subject: MIL claims she has a right on my DH
Anonymous wrote:People here repeat cultural context, but how is it in India, does the money belong only to the husband or the family? It shouldn't be difficult to understand anywhere in the world that once the son is married, he has a family and cannot just give out money on his own accord. Especially if it's not about basic necessities, but discretionary expenses. In many cultures, man earns the money and the woman decides how to spend it within a family:)


An Indian woman wouldn't deny her mother-in-law, so the disagreement would never happen.