She has dementia. Of course it’s real and she cannot do it. What do you think dementia is?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It a really awful to accuse me of being careless and doing stuff wrong, or being impatient. The opposite is true. I am her caregiver 9 mi this per year as she refuses outside help. If anything, I do too much for her. My sister does nothing and that’s ok - it’s her decision. I don’t want to be taken advantage of - I have more than enough on my plate with full time work, a chronic health condition, and absentee husband with no income and kids of my own. For my mom to expect me to be her servant - that’s just a bit much.

Tell your mom that given her level of need you must now insist on outside care. You are concerned because if something were to happen to you it's clear that she couldn't care for herself, and it's important that you have that care worked out so someone could step up in an emergency. Or, just that you need it now because your own health is suffering.

I mean, it doesn't matter if she's faking or not. She is requiring too much of you. Cut back your time with her and offer to have outside help come in your place.

This. Can she afford it? OP The advice in this is so on target. My situation was different because in addition to the neediness there was emotional abuse, but it's amazing what taking myself out of the equation did. Mom's skills were so much higher without me enabling. I am the one where it was just age related decline and mental health. Also, she became more social and had to exercise her social skills instead of just trying to manipulate, guilt trip and insult me into doing things. So many things she found too much, she got done because she didn't want to be too demanding of a stranger. You can love someone with long arms. You want to make sure she has decent care, but that doesn't have to be care from you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom has dementia and cannot do anything by herself when she’s with me. Can’t even put a slice of cheese in her bread or make tea by herself. When she’s alone or with my sister she does these things independently. Is she faking it so that I serve her? I know she will need 24 hr care, but not yet?

Does it break your back to do things for her? Are you there every day. If not, who cares. Just do it.

Yes you rude person, I am there every day for 8-9 months per year.

Ignore the mean posters. If you want help, there is a lot of knowledge here. But you have to give us some more facts- what are the resources, what kind of dementia, who has POA etc? It’s clear you are maxed out and the pressures you have are too much.

She refuses everything, outside help, POA, and thinks she is very capable of doing everything and that I am not doing things to help her anyway. This is just so wrong, as she can’t or acts like she can’t do anything by herself. So I have to do it. The alternative is letting her be by herself which will have really bad consequences. Unfortunately, for about 3-4 months per year she does have to be by herself in her apartment. I dread these times and am scared when it happens - moldy food in the fridge, doesn’t notice when heat isn’t on or when AC needs to be on, etc. But when she acts like she can’t make tea or put cheese on her bread, I know it’s untrue. Because she does eat when I am not around. I do what I can and while it may not be perfect, I cannot let her act so helpless yet, because she will lose these abilities faster when I do them for her. Vascular dementia.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom has dementia and cannot do anything by herself when she’s with me. Can’t even put a slice of cheese in her bread or make tea by herself. When she’s alone or with my sister she does these things independently. Is she faking it so that I serve her? I know she will need 24 hr care, but not yet?

Does it break your back to do things for her? Are you there every day. If not, who cares. Just do it.

Yes you rude person, I am there every day for 8-9 months per year.

Ignore the mean posters. If you want help, there is a lot of knowledge here. But you have to give us some more facts- what are the resources, what kind of dementia, who has POA etc? It’s clear you are maxed out and the pressures you have are too much.